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Re: Please share..
Dec 27, 2007
My mom is tall (5'10"), "big boned", and prone to low self-esteem and depression. After my parents' divorce my mom plunged into a deep, dark depression. She comforted herself with binge eating (no purging), and grew obese. She cried and over-ate and complained that nobody liked her because she was fat.

Apparently I internalized this. I (subconsciously?) grew to associate weight with discrimination, failure and depression.

When not binging my mom was dieting. I learned a lot of diet tricks from her example and kept myself moderately thin growing up.

In 2005 my own depression took a turn for the worse. My meds were changed and one of the new prescriptions causes decreased appetite. My weight began dropping steadily, and ED moved into my head. (I've heard that some people develop EDs after losing a large amount of weight.)

So here I am. Underweight, plagued with [I][U][B] intense[/B][/U][/I] food anxiety and distorted thinking. I'm not losing weight anymore, but I'm unhealthily underweight. I stopped having periods some time ago, and probably have a weak heart and bones. I fit the DSM-IV criteria for anorexia, and although I never binge in the technical sense I have been known to purge. I know it's ED controlling my thoughts, but I can't let go.
Re: Please share..
Dec 27, 2007
hey there,
can i just say before i share my story that you are all incredibley brave girls/ women to go through what we are going through and still be here fighting, this disorder has done nothing be distroy me as im sure it has many of you but the fact that you still wake up each day and try to beat it shows great courage and strength and i admire you all greatly for each and every day you try :)

i decided about nearly 2 years ago now that i was going to loose weight, id gained a little since leaving school and decided i wanted to return to my previous weight - i started off really well researching nutritional information, calories, good exercises to tone and planning good healthy meals and it was working i was loosing and i felt great the reception i got from my friends and family and boyfriend of the time was amazing and i had not felt more confident in myself for years..as my goal weight drew nearer i started to contemplate moving it down a little lower "if i loose i will look even better and be even happier than i am now" and so i set it a little lower...my weight continued to drop . i went and told my now ex my weight and he gave me a hug and said becca please no more weight you look fine just the way you are, i smiled and promised him while planning in my head what to cut out of my diet to speed up my weight loss that week...by this stage i was eating ridiculous portions of each meal, i was moody, had high anxiety and was so obsessed with weight and everything to do with diet that i knew i had a problem but i just kept telling myself that that's not me im just being healthy and making myself happier...
my first purge was after a family dinner when we were away on holidays i looked at myself in the mirror and said "oh god its started you've finally crossed that line" and instantly ED piped up and said "no thats not what your doing your doing something different its ok" and i walked back to the table still shocked but comforted by the fact that id be ok in the morning...my bulimia started at that moment i was so mad at myself i used to just fall apart i wanted to ask for help but i couldnt say it! it wasnt until one night i went out drinking with friends with an empty stomach and collapsed in town and was rushed to hospital where i was left overnight apon my release i was sent home with a form saying alcohol abuse and eating disorder?..i had not told them anything but they wrote that seeing it on paper scared the **** out of me and i guess prompted me to say something as i realised this is not a secret anymore its my hand to hold....since telling my mum and step dad i have been seeing a docter but am still in this vicious cycle of restricting over exercising binging and purging and now just to mix things up ive been stuck using laxatives since feb :( i feel i am going nuts sometimes and want nothing more than to stop this but i cant seem to - i have come to realise through help of my new docter that my issues are related to my dad - he died about 2 years before this started and i never dealt with it, being young (12-13) i hated that having a sick dad made me different, my friends wouldnt come to play cos he looked scary, adults treated you differently and you just felt different! so i became fixated on being normal or what i saw as normal my 2 best friends are very slim and are so happy and have wonderful lives where nothing is wrong i subconciously became a perfectionist i figured if nobody saw that i was different they wouldnt know how much i was - when i started loosing the weight the feelings of confidence and happiness were what id been craving and now im to scared to let go of them...as my docter said its hard because ive passed the ideal time to deal with my dads death (6years ago) its like a broken arm if you dont set it the arm will still heal it will just heal wonkey and as he said i have healed but ive healed wonkey so its about re breaking the arm and setting it in its proper place....ive got massive change issues, control issues, huge insecurities about people leaving me which massively impacts my relationships as i become needy, i have the most distorted body image in my head and i live in a fun house mirror, i have huge anxiety to the point of panic attacks and i drink way to heavierly to avoid the anxiety/ relax from the week of tension thanks to ed which normally ends up in me being a messy crying drunk, i dread to think of what ive done to my body and how ive wasted so much of my life already as the last 2 years my strongest memories are all panic, obsession and my head down the loo - i am only 20

im sorry this is sooooooooooooooo long i guess its hard to explain...if i can make one wish its that you, all of you and i will find the strength in this new year to change this in ourselves - to actually live our lives not just exsist
love bec





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