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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hi. About a year ago, I tried to stop being bulimic. I thought I was successful. Until probably a month and a half ago, I really felt like I "recovered". I never really saw it as a control thing and I always felt like I was in control of stopping it. I did it because I wanted to. Even knowing how bad it was, I just kept doing it. It helped me maintain a weight...I never really lost a lot of weight until I built in excercise with it.
I feel stupid for going back to it. More now because i have a lot more to lose. I've been in a serious relationship for the past year and he thinks I've recovered completely. He has no idea and I know it would scare him. I know this because it scares me.
I'm scared of what my life will be like if I keep doing this. I get the comments about how beauitful I am, and I do believe them, for the most part. But this, to me is completely different. I feel like no matter what I will never be as thin as my friends. I'm jealous they get to eat whatever they want. I like the taste of food. Good for me food, and bad for me food. I know I have a problem. Right when I'm done throwing up, I feel dizzy and weak, but that's nothing to the feeling I get when I don't throw up.
The reason for my display name "Stupid smart", is because I feel so smart about everything else in my life BUT this. This is probably the most stupid thing I could ever do to my body and my health and i KNOW this. So why do I keep doing it?

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