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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hello everyone,
I have thought my problem was physical for a long time now, I have no appetite basically. I have gone and seen a gastroenterologist who said he thought it was possibly an ulcer or gastroparesis. He set me up for a barium swallow test but last second I chickened out and didn't go. I was too afraid I'd throw up while drinking that nasty barium stuff. I really should have gone for the test.

Without going into too much detail, basically I have a very very small appetite and when I do manage to eat it's not enough to really keep weight on. I have blamed it on some unnamed medical condition that I've been sure that I have. Lately thought my attention has been coming more and more towards the thought "am I doing this to myself without realizing it?".

I was anorexic when I was younger. I'm now almost 24. I got through it without too much trouble and haven't had any issues with it since I was 19. Then something happened after I gave birth to my first daughter when I was 20. My appetite dropped and I struggled immensely to force myself to eat. I struggled with that for almost an entire year during which time I was getting sicker and sicker but felt a total lack of control over it. I then became pregnant with my second daughter and managed to get better and eat more. It took months of hard work to do so but I managed to have a healthy baby and did gain weight to also be healthy myself. After her birth however it happened again, appetite went away and the battle to get food into my body began again. My second daughter is now 16 months old and I'm feeling like I'm trapped in this horrible cycle that I can't escape from. I truly do have a low appetite and truly do have problems with the size of the meals I can eat. However being totally honest with myself I do realize that there are times that I feel hungry and I ignore it. For no real reason then I just don't desire food. One time recently I was laying down to take a nap and my stomach was furious with me, I was horribly hungry but instead of getting up and eating I just laid there and willed the stomach rumblings to go away. I don't understand why I did that. I wasn't thinking about weight or anything like that. I just didn't want to eat despite being hungry. :confused:

I don't like my body but it's not like it was before. I don't think I'm fat, I do feel rather disgusting but it's more because I feel ugly because I'm not at a healthy weight. (I tried to word that in an appropriate way, I hope I did!) I'm also confused by that because if my ED from years back were still hanging around in some ways then wouldn't it mean that I'd be constantly thinking about weight, calories, etc.?? And wouldn't it mean that I'd be unhappy with my weight and want to lose weight?? How does it make sense that I'd be feeling the opposite? :confused:

I guess I'm just starting to wonder if some of my issues aren't self-induced somehow. Can denial be THAT thick that I'd have been wrong all this time and it's actually ME doing this to myself and not some unknown illness?? I have been told many times that if I can't eat enough food to support myself then I should drink the nutritional drinks I have in my pantry, but for some reason it's too much of a bother to do that. Rather than fight my body and try and improve things I'd rather just sit back and not do anything. :confused: And the most confusing thing is really that although I dislike my body size/weight and most often feel the desire to gain weight I also feel a slight thrill when I see the numbers on the scale go down further. :confused:I feel mentally sick for that, it doesn't make sense what's happening.

I'm sorry this is so long and I hope I haven't written anything triggering. I've been on ED boards before so know the drill about what can and can't be written. I'd just really like some insight from someone, I know no one but myself can say if I'm in denial here but I'm so lost I'd really appreciate anything anyone has to say. Thanks!

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