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Hey everybody I hope that you are all doing well and staying strong :angel:

I am in the understanding that we have all tried many forms of therapy. We have all had a mentor, somebody to talk to or somebody to guide. us. Somebody who is willing to listen to us and we struggle to make ourselves 'normal'. I just want to share something with you. Share something that I am going through and see if you have any responses, anything to say or to advise...

Feel free to say whatever you want... please.

For those of you who are 'unfamiliar' with my story. I am 22... well I am 22 in 2 weeks and I feel into the bulimic 'trap' when I was 14. There is currently no explanation as to why and to be honest I'm still unsure if I want to know why but I want to be 'free' so bad that unfortunately it I have succum to trying anything.

I have been to counciling and I have been in cognitive therapy. I have been an outpatient of an eating disorders clinic and I have been a part of this forum.

I can't say that I have come too far.

I cannot afford to go into rehabilitation. I have always held the belief that if I am going to go into that I want the best treatment available and if I can't afford it then I don't want it.

I started looking into hypnotherapy. I'll explain a little bit.

I don't know if you are aware of Freud, but he has a dreams analysis involving the consious, subconsious and the unconsious mind. Think of it like and iceburge. The consioud mind is what we are thinking about all the time at the top, a small tip of the triangle, just below is the subconcious...where all the little things that we forget sit... like where we put our keys... things that we can pull to the front of our mind and then the unconsious is the huge part underneath the water... made up of millions of memories that we have forgotten, things that we could have chosen to repress and will never be able to remember, maybe because we don't want to but mainoly because we have chosen to forget them and don't even know that it has happened, these memories and thoughts however, can come through in dreams.

What hypnotherapy does is it places you into a state of relaxation, a very deep relaxation where you go so deep that you re pretty much asleep, you are in the state where you are able to dream and tap into the unconsious mind but stay awake and focused. Allowing you to go back to a place or a time that you didn't even know existed. If you think about it, conselling, therapists, they sit you down and get you to tell the about your life, get you to remember things from the past and talk about them, consiously and write stories, letters do tasks to remember what it is that could have caused this upset, but hypnotherapy does the same thing but it gets to it quicker allowing you to relax and let it out, you have no choice but to see it in your mind, your not consiously awake so you cannot shut away what is happening, you go through it and you stick with it. Is this making sense?

It's not something that happens over night, nothing is it can take up to 12 sessions but I would not recommend any more than that and a good therapist wouldn't either. But I want to tell you about my last session.

I laid down on the 'bed'. Which is actually a really confortable reclining chair and went about my session. I can't say that anything went wrong. I haven't found my 'trigger' yet I am only on my 2nd session but I am close. I was there... for a hour in my deep state and when I woke I did not feel any different, I got up and went to get some bagels from the store and went home to have a glas of wine before relaxing in from of the television.

Before I walked through the door I felt sick... that nervous feeling you get, anxious, where you're scared that something bad is going to happen. I walked through the door and started shaking. By the time I got to the kitchen I started to freak. I walked to my roon to get out of my office clothes (working through the school holiday period) and broke down as I caught a glimps of myself in the mirror. I carried on getting changed and went back into the kitchen where I broke down again. Wailing and screaming on the kitchen floor curled up like a foetus. I went to get up to go to the bathroom and get som tissue but I could walk through the door. I tried, believe me I tried but I could get through it so I sat on the landing and looked around. I felt so disorientated and retreated back into my kitch and sat agains the wall.

I was weeping there for about 20 minutes when my flatmate came home, I was going through paranoia, juming at everything around me, sounds, lights, household noises, outside noises. and when he walked through the door I couldn't stop crying. He held me and calmed me down and then tried to get me up. I couldn't, I could move I was so scared I couldn't move. Stuck on the kitchen floor. He called my best friend who can to see me and she sat with me on my kitchen floor as I rocked. Screamed, cried, shook, wailed, swore, shouted. You name it... I did it. after 3 hours she got me up. My legs were like jelly, I could hardly walk, I had a pounding headache and I was sweating. She put me into bed as I screamed and cried some more and slept with me until I woke. I was having images in my head that I couldn't explain, things that I couldn't recognise and I was scared. i have never felt so alone.

The following night was something similar. I could walk and move, but every so often I would break down. I was in the arms of my ex boyfriend and he held me as I slept. I hadn't showered in 3 days... I couldn't until everything was clean.

Now, 4 days after my session I am feeling different. My short term memory is failing but I have a feeling that will come back. I can't eat, it's making me feel sick but I know that will come back, my attitude twoard food is changing, I can feel it and it's not deliberabte (i assure you). I've only just started sleeping again and all I can think about is my next session which is making me anxious and scared. I'm not better, I'm not cured but after that night...something has happened. I have no desire to purge, no desire to binge, I don't even want a chocolate bar. I haven't overspent in 2 weeks, and although I have these horrible emotions, I feel really clear headed. I don't even want a cigarette.

I'm still getting to the bottom of it and the hardest part is going back to my next session, the thought of the next session scares me, I don't want to go back but I will. I'm better that this. I have never felt so scared or helpless in my life, I don't know what is in my head and I am scared to find out. But I want to be better, it beats shaking and crying on the floor because I feel sick and disgusting after a binge.

I know it is still early days but I'm really confident about this and I will keep you posted. Yes I am a nervous wreck right now...but at the same time I am feeling really good.

Stay strong
I love you all

Monkie :jester:

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