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Sexual Health - Women Message Board

Sexual Health - Women Board Index

Re: No Desire
Jan 13, 2004
Well written!! We seem to have two very active threads going on at the same time here. I'm on the . . . help, I'm oversexed thread. But I decided to hop over to this one just to read things from a different perspective. And yes, I'm a woman. 51 and post menopausal. From the messages going back and forth on the other board, I think we just have to accept that people are different. And one of the many differences is the great imbalance in sex drives many of us seem to have with our soulmates. I don't think I could ever increase my husband's sex drive just like he couldn't lower mine. Hormonal? Age? Genetic? Who knows. But it is what is and all the wishing, pleading and frustration isn't going to change that. So the "why" is irrelevant and isn't going to change anything. Our choices are: Stay because we love our mates and leaving them because of an indifference in sex drive makes no sense. Leave them and hope to find someone who we are compatible with in every aspect of life (which is impossible). Have an affair. Or use a board like this to vent and accept the fact that taking matters into our own hands may be the best solution. If you do hop over to join our thread, you will see that at one point I have gone the "affair" route. It's wrong. Stupid. Inconsiderate. Selfish. And dangerous physically, emotionally and can get you into much more trouble than you ever bargained for. So now I just accept my husband for who he is. He is the most perfect man for me in every other aspect of my life. My true soulmate. And if it means I have to use a vibrator, then I am willing to do it not to jepordize my marriage and losing everything for sex. I didn't always think this way. Obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't have done what I did. As I said, it is two very interesting threads going at the same time.

[QUOTE=dljw2000]I think alot of married men (including myself sometime) suffer from a "Jekyll/Hyde" syndrome where it comes to spousal sex...or lack thereof. Understanding on both sides of the gender camp is really a key, but the key doesn't work so well if communication breaks down. Especially if the communication attempt becomes onesided. I've tried several times to find an analogy for my wife as to how some men feel/rationalize about lack of sex. One of my favorites is the food comparison. Food and sex to me are distant relatives because they both deal with satisfying a hunger that you didn't ask for from birth. Obviously we can live without sex where we can't without food, but it's the hunger element that is common to both.

I know I'm not unique in this scenario: After a few weeks (or months in my case) you find yourself walking around the house (on any given day) where your testes feel so full that they're literally banging against your knees. And they HURT! When you look at your wife, you start salivating and this really intense ache hits you deep, just above the stomach. You know that she is your wife and is the ONLY woman on God's green earth that can emotionally, physically (and legally) help take away the ache. Your heart starts hammering in your chest and sometimes it actually gets hard to breathe. At this point is where the food analogy comes in. To me if feels like you haven't had a meal in days and on the verge of your physical collapse a gourmet meal of shrimp and fettaccini (a fave of mine) starts walking around you. You salivate heavily for want of it. Your stomach (or close to it) aches. Your hands shake. You'd give your left leg to satisfy the hunger. At this point taking matters into your own hand means nothing to you; knuckle gravy is NO substitute for shrimp. You now begin to rationalize weird thoughts rolling around in your head like, "This is my wife...we had a marital contract that guaranteed satisfying our mutual hungers...can't she see I'm close to death with need of can I even function for the rest of the day like this...God, she must hate me," and on and on. And then the clincher. Like a recurring nightmare where you know how it will end, you gather what's left of your courage and make a desperate suggestion. "Honey, how would you like a relaxing massage tonight? I'll put on some soft music and pour us some wine and see where things lead us?" And now you can feel your pulse pounding in your eyeballs and your mouth suddenly goes dead dry in anticipation of the resonse. And the answer is: "Did you forget we're having company in 4 days? This house isn't going to clean itself. I'll start with the dusting and you start with the basement bathroom." As expected, because you've been there so many times before, the sensation of a 3 foot Chicago cuttlery ripping your guts out can be felt. You promise to get that bathroom clean but make up an excuse that your leg hurts and you need to take a quick 10 minute walk before getting started. You get an irritated response of, "I don't can avoid doing the bathroom for as long as you want, but you're going to do it regardless." Then you take what little is left of your sanity and take that 10 minute walk. As you walk, you convince yourself that there certainly must be one more person in the world that is more physically lonely than you are at this point. You shed a few hard squeezed male tears, go back home and before cleaning the bathroom take matters into your own hand (just so you can function and think somewhat clear again), so you can get through the rest of the day/night. The succulent shrimp dinner has turned into a pretzel you made from some stale bread, but what the hell, eh? love this woman to death and maybe tomorrow? Yeah...maybe tomorrow she'll be in the mood. And you righteously attack cleaning that bathroom with the almost humorous thought bubbling through your brain that you know in your heart this woman loves you so much that she would die for you without blinking twice. That is: she'd die for you but won't have sex once every 3 months. is overrated anyways, right?

Please don't take the above as a cynical male response, because it's not intended to be. Just as I feel (and absolutely appreciate) a woman's frustration with her own lack of desire (especially when she had desire earlier in her life), it's also equally important for some women to understand the physical gut-twisting that goes on in their mates when the physical need (hunger) for their spouses/girlfriends affections goes unsatisfied. And this scenario can just as easily be reversed where it's the woman who desperately needs the physical love but can't get her man to either understand nor participate.

I think the saddest of all is when you finally come to the conclusion that at the time you made your wedding vows, both of you had the firmest intentions of being husband and wife for life...but 20 years later, you've been reduced to marital roommates. We still love each other--probably more than we ever have--but without the bonding that comes from somewhat frequent and satisfying physical love, we truly are nothing more than marital roommates.

I'm still looking to better understand what a woman with lack of desire feels deep down inside; my own wife can't seem to find the right words to describe it. All she can say is that what once it was there, now it isn't. I'd appreciate any comments good or bad on what I've written above and would love to read any detailed 'analogies' from ladies in this thread of what lack of desire feels like for you at the gut level.

Have a great evening![/QUOTE]

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