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Sexual Health - Women Message Board

Sexual Health - Women Board Index

I am 38 yo, workout regularly and take very good care of myself. Most people consider me very attractive & I work in a well-respected and well-paying job. My husband is older than me (50 yo) and is very accomplished. My husband has no interest in sex but is still very affectionate with me (which is almost worse). He has a history of depression but says that the antidepressants make his sex drive worse. We tried counselling & ended up fighting about what we told the counsellor. He is not cheating--I am certain. This has been going on for years & I am at my wit's end. We have not had sex in almost a year, but have had some minor foreplay. I am so attracted to him but am starting to resent him & feel frustrated. I am sick of the feeling of rejection & isolation and talking about it only leads to fighting. I feel so lonely, but no one that knows us would ever guess & seem to think we have a perfect relationship. But for the sex, we have a great friendship and do everything together. It kills me when friends call late at night & hope they didn't interrupt anything. I wish!!! I am at the point where I am seriously considering cheating with someone I have know for years. We have been talking alot, etc. and are making plans to spend more time together. I know I am flirting with danger but can't seems to wait any longer for my marriage to change. I have even considered whether to get divorced. If he catches me cheating, we will probably get divorced. But, I would rather avoid divorce if I could just have my need for intimacy met. Any suggestions?
I understand what your saying, you are in a bad situation thats forsure.
Its going to be hard for anyone to help you out on these boards because this is something that your going to have to work out with your hubby. Infidility is the wrong way to handel this... thats just a basic drastic measure and your thinking bout your needs of wanting to be pleasured sexually in my opinion.
if you trully love your hubby and he trully loves you I see no reason why you guys can't work this out.
its obvious your hubby is the one with the sexual hang-up or problem. he needs to addmitt he does and seek more couselling, that will work if he gets the right counslling and listens to the counslers.
you need to ask yourself is ''my deep love for passion worth your marriage?.
maybe until you can get things back togather and get on an intimacy leavel with your hubby, you can please yourself give yourself an orgasm maybe you have been doing that? and you just want the real thing I understand your frustration.
on the subject >''Infidelity'' if your other male friend I'm assuming male? if he makes love to you, then to me that tells me he is ''not a true'' friend becasue he knows that your married and a true friend will not treat another true friend that way...just to sleep with you..sure you guys probably like each others company but to have imtimacy out of marrige I can't see that.
don't let the passion take over your thoughts.
think things through long and hard....if it comes to Divorce....then maybe just maybe you will get your intimacy...but you better think about that too because it can happen all over agian even with your new friend.

You can end this with ''Divorce'' about the intimacy thing, but it will forever be with you the rest of your life darling.
My advise to you is seek more counslling and talk things out togather and don't be talking in the about it in a mature way and be the Adults that you are.

age factor nah 12 years is not all that uncommon for a true realtionship to work if theres love there! think about it.
I wish you the best and that you do find happinest and being lonely will be just a thing of the past.
Thanks for the advice. I'm not the cheating type, but my self-esteem is taking a major hit. No matter how much I try to look gorgeous or surprise my husband with something special, he has no interest. The man I have been getting close to is a former lover with whom I have never totally broken contact. He has always been a close confidant of mine & I thought the feelings for him were long gone. But, the more we have been talking, the more I miss having someone I can talk openly with and not get into a fight. Everytime my husband & I discuss sex (at my insistence), it becomes an argument. Now, I am so confused that I'm not sure what to do. For the past 5 years, our sex life has been slim to none and I have never cheated. But, now it is almost a year and I am aching to be with a man physically. I have tried to 'take care' of it myself--in fact, that's how I've lasted this long. But it doesn't compare to true physical intimacy with a man. I've tried telling my husband that I am getting deparate and his tells me that he loves me, but has nothing else to give right now. That would be OK if this were a brief period, but I'm starting to give up any hope that it will ever change. Thanks for letting me vent!
I understand darling, I feel your passion.
but you need to realize that just what it is with you .>your passion is driving you out of your mind.

Being lonely is a sad thing to be sure, and I understand how you must feel ...I can certainly relate.
Your in your sexual prime time of your life right now and your not being sexually satisfied and you need it to keep your sanity.

If you feel this strongly about being intimate with a man other than your hubby....Maybe you need to ask for a Divorce? but he would only tell you that he ''loves you''..''what about the years and love togather'' ect,,ect,, what about the kids? if you guys have any togather?

I can't understand why your thinking bout infidelity if you love him? if its just to satisfi your needs then your being selfesh and only thinking bout your needs... then yes seek a Divorce because you can't trully love him if you have other feelings for other men sexual or other wise...period or tell him your not happy you need intimacy and if he can't or wont give it to you then maybe this is the time to end this marriage...??

You don't want to have another romatic realitionship with another man and still be married to your hubby, that will only come back and bite you in the a** someday..and you don't want that believe me.

Let me ask you this, when you and your hubby do make love is it good for you? does he please and satisfy you? Give you the gratifcation that you need? give you the intense sexual pleasures that you want and need?
or you just blind to thte fact that theres other men out there that may please you even more and your curious to that fact?
maybe you have a hiddin problem and your only fooling yourself/maybe not just a thought!

I love sex more than probably anybody but I don't get it when I want it or when I need it.
I have a g/f that tells me I please her to no end and it last her for weeks and I go nuts not having her.
She is like you she dresses up sexually and kinda a tease and and it sure hurts me not being intimate with her ONLY WHEN SHE WANTS IT.

She makes me want her bad but its only to tease me and say things like you love my body don't you, you want to make love to me don't you and she shows me skin ect,,ect,, and then only to roll over and go to sleep so yes I realize how frustrateing things like this can be.

There is a many many nights I have to please myself and like you I get tired of it and want the real thing.
I have thought about infidelity with a beautiful woman friend of mine but I can't do that because I do love my g/f so that put a stop to that way of thinking....and I know I could have this woman anytime I wanted her.
so I just keep on being miserable I guess you could say because yes I am misereable with my partner too, but I can't just throw all the years away for another woman that I don't love but would love to make love to..if that makes a lick of sense?
If you strongly feel the way you do maybe a DIVORCE is the way for you to go...just be Happy.
Good Luck with your intimacy life.
You have some good points. It sounds like you can relate. You are right that I am being selfish. I know I am being selfish, which is really unlike me. But I think it is at least equally selfish for him to expect me to go without sex for a year!! In the past 5 years, we have probably had sex less than 15 times. I know we have only had it 3 times in the past 2 years because I kept track. Maybe I should just get divorced. We don't have any children, so that is not an issue. I just feel like my life is flying by and I am sitting by waiting for it to change. I can't stand feeling helpless. Everytime we go out, which is often, I get dressed up and hope that he will want me when we get home. Instead, he tells me how pretty I look and then nothing. I guess I have some tough choices to make.
Hey who ever said life was fair...go have your affair.

but you do need to ask your hubby (on good terms) not in a hast or anger but in a decent presenting way..tell him theres some important things you need to dicuss with him(how he makes you feel as a women) the intimacy is not there and that you long for his touch his togatheness, his body sharply pressed aginst yours, you love the way he exzellerates you, he plesures you like no other man can ect,,,ect,, that uslly makes a man feel more manally about them selfs ...more confident.
maybe his self esteen is somewhat lacking also? and if he has a medical problem? that he needs to go check it out and get some help or if its just a mental issue with him? either way he needs to find the problem and your the soulation...sort of speak... you need intimacy and was having thoughts about other men but you love him to much...and you don't want to do that... but when you say that you better duck or run for but you know what I mean here.
and if he don't change then your out the door...and be sure and tell him thats not an alternative suggestion.
see put the ball in his court..see what comes up??
just a second thought.
if you was my woman and your as beautiful as you say you are body and sexy ect,,ect,, and you loved wonderful intimacy I'd be all over you everynight and all night.
what makes you think he is being faitfull to you?
You know if the roles were reversed here, there would not even be a discussion. A normal, sexual man would not go years without having sex and he would never tolerate that from his wife/GF.....NO WAY! This is as integral to the relationship as communication and money (what therapists say are the top three things in marriage). Does he need Viagra? Will he see a psychiatrist to help diagnose the problem? And don't kid yourself this IS a problem. You must give yourself some sort of timeframe to work it out because you cannot live the rest of your life in an intimate-free, passionless relationship,,,,it just will not work. Please help him get help!
Good point Bondgrll. He has gotten ED meds, but never bothers to take them. That's why I get so angry--he doesn't even try to meet my needs. It's enough for him to cuddle and kiss. That's not enough for me and I will not pretend that it is. We had a very active sex life years ago & then it became nonexistent. He tells me all the time that it has nothing to do with me--that he never thinks about anything sexual. He needs to see a psych, but he claims that he is afraid it won't work. I think he is scared to deal with some painful issues (very abusive childhood, etc). I have told him that I cannot stay in this relationship & he promises that I will see a difference soon. He's been saying that for so long that it sounds like empty promises now and I have told him so. I need a concrete plan with a timeline and some action to make the plan a reality. Anything less and I am considering separating from him and pursuing my own needs.
I hate to spoil the discussion with another view. I have a suggestion, just short of seeing someone else. Have you ever asked your hubby about inviting another man over to be intimate with you in your own home..........with hubby present?...............Ask him. I had been cold once, until my wife came to me and said, "if you cannot do your homework, then let your friend do it for you"..........

Once that was a certain possiblity, I woke up and did my homework.
However, as time went by I got hotter and my wife colder. She is unable to be intitmate as much as Id like to. 5 mintues doesnt do it. After a long time, I finally strayed. I filled lots of desires. I fell in love several times, got hurt many times, but I still do it. It became a habit. She still isnt intimate as much, but my needs are fullfilled, not for love, just for sex.

It's hard to be true once you stray. So be certain that is what you want. But a lover can acually 'help' the marriage relationship..........IF you don't get caught........................
The guilt never leaves. And you might get hurt.
Be careful , but be certain in what you want. I would not have gone like that for years. but that is me.
As a man, as a husband if I had that problem, I would gladly invite a friend over or a couple. Perhaps a sex therapist would work for you.
The first thing is to ask your hubby. It may wake him up.........
My two cents, kj647, leave, divorce. I was married for 5 years, sex every now and then. Nothing to brag to the girls about. You have to understand we never agreeded to marry just for companion, sure we want that, but we want or would rather have more action in the bedroom. Being in a sexless marriage works devastion on your self esteem, you spend many lonely nights with your SO laying in bed next to you, you cry more now then when you were single, you find yourself thinking about sex all the time, thinking about past lovers. If I want to sat around and hold hands, if thats all we wanted to do, then we can do it with a friend. I ask why be miserable for the rest of your life while they are, as it seems very content and I am sure they are. A husband has to realize making love to his wife is an expression of his love and we need that. It releases hormones to give us that beautiful glow, of a satisfied woman. So, I say leave, tell him why and remain friends. It will not get any better, so do not fool yourself. My husband did not fault me for leaving, he knew that he could not satisfy me in bed. He was one to go months without wanting to be intimate. You are still young, so move on. Do
not have an affair or twosome, save your dignity, shucks, it ain't you. Forget about what others will think because they do not have to live with him. Once I left, it was like a burden was lifted off of me, I have not regreted the decision I made, I have peace, have joy and have not hooked up with anyone. I am enjoying being alone, but not lonely.....:blob_fire
OMG Shanlo! You have been in my shoes exactly & I feel like you explained (too much lonliness, laying alone in bed next to him aching & crying to myself in the dark). I'm glad someone else truly understands how much this guts my self-esteem. On Sunday, we went to dinner with 2 other couples who are very good friends and everyone drank lots of wine. Of course, the conversation turned sexual and the other 2 couples were sharing funny stories and playfully teasing us for not sharing. I was heartbroken that I had nothing to share & ended up going to the ladies room to avoid tears at the table. I think you may be right that I have to move on. I miss that feeling of having a man who wants to see me feel good. I remember years ago when he used to get turned on seeing me satisfied. Those days are long gone and I am so terribly sad inside. I feel better when I am alone--it's less lonely than being with him. I am not the threesome type so that option is out & cheating is not my thing either. Although, I think I may be interested in this person once I leave my husband. BTW, I have told my husband for many months that I am almost desparate enough to cheat (not in those exact words, but he clearly knows how I feel) and he has not taken an efforts towards improving things with me or even trying to. I guess that's my answer on how much he cares, huh? He says that we are best friends & we'l figure it out. I'm sick of waiting.
Honestly, I think cheating on him is the cheap and easy way out, not to mention it's horrible. I know you said your husband doesn't act on anything after you tell him how you feel, but infidelity is not the way to go. I guess after all the pleading and reasoning you've done with him with no response, maybe you should consider a divorce. The fact that you're making plans to "spend more time" with the other guy leads me to believe you've already made up your mind on what you want to do. Still, whatever happened to " 'til death do us part" and "through sickness and in health?"
Sure marriage vows should be taken seriously, but i feel that you have done your bit. Your husband on the other hand isn't even meeting your half way. Okay it might not be his fault that he has no libido, but he ought to be attempting to do something about it. At the very least if he took a viagra tablet once per month you would know and could schedule some sex, but one year of waiting and waiting for him to do something about it is not good enough in my opinion.

What would people be saying if he never bothered to get a job in all that time, or he gambled your savings in that time etc etc etc.......people would be telling you to leave him.

It's not as though he is paralysed and stuck in a wheelchair and you have ditched him because it's too much hard work. He actually is fixable and all it takes is for him to make small steps towards an achievable goal.

You need to get tough with him and perhaps do seperate bedrooms, no kissing, no cuddling, no seeing you naked what so ever until he gets off his behind and does the adult thing and goes and gets help or medication. If he still refuses, then leaving him is certainly and option and don't let anybody hold marital vows over your head in the form of emotional blackmail either. It's a long, tough and lonely life living with someone who is all talk and no action.
Boy, I can certainly relate to your situation. I've been married to my husband for 2 1/2 years (together for 12) and had sex once in 2 1/2 years. I've spoke to my husband many times about needing not just the sex but the affection he also doesn't give me. At one point I told him there's a reason he doesn't want sex with me anymore. He's gay? He's getting it from someone else? I don't turn him on anymore? He said none of those. I then told him he needs to go to a doctor. He said he did and everything was OK. That it's stress. I know stress can play a part in a sexless marriage for a short time. But 2 1/2 years? Recently, I've been hanging out at work with a married man. He only has sex once a month with his wife (he wants more). We are both in simular situations. For a few months we gave each other a harmless hug. Something we both needed and weren't getting from home. For the past couple weeks, we kissed and touched but no sex. I won't have sex with him. I just want the affection that my husband isn't giving me. I love my husband and I've talked to him many times about this but he's not doing anything to change it. My husband is in the military and away months at a time but when he comes home, you would think the first thing he would want to do is "get close to me". What does he do? Kisses the dog and talks to the birds and watches TV. I've been feeling lonely and unwanted. I love my husband and I would never divorce him but I need some affection and if it's not with my husband, I'll find it with someone else with no strings attached. We can only do so much in a relationship. It takes two to make it work.

Hi Bernice, i have not been in a situation like yours, but do sympathise. You state that he is in the military. Could things that he sees/does or things that happen while he is away be affecting him psychologically and he has put up a shutter against sex and emotions?

If he is able to give others affection, but just not to you, then i'm afraid it has to be something along the lines of him either being involved with another man or woman. There is no way that "nothing" can be wrong and yet he shows no emotions towards you, let alone no sex. Something is seriously wrong here.
Bernice and the OP

Maybe your partners are none of the things already mentioned - maybe they are just A Sexual. These people just don't need sex like we do, they never initiate, never ask for, and certainly don't need it.

Most men are driven crazy when not getting enough sex from their partners, and to sleep next to their partner, and to not be able to have sex, like I say would upset a lot of men.

'A Sexual' people don't normally seek help, because they don't want to be sexual, it is not a choice, it is the way they are. It is a bit like telling a homosexual to get help to change their sexuality.

If these men are A Sexual, they probably know, it is whether or not you wish to put up with this situation. Like you said Bernice your husband said the doctor said there was nothing wrong, if he is A Sexual then there isn't anything wrong as such, that is just his sexuality.

'A Sexual' people still feel emotions and fall in love etc, and do normally still like affection, but just don't have the desire or need to carry it further.

So if this is the case, it has nothing to do with yourselves.

Good luck:)
I have heard of people being "a sexual" and it was once quoted that 2% of the population has this condition.

The problem is, surely during dating their partners would have noticed the lack of sex prior to marriage, if they were intimate before marriage that is.

I don't know about Bernice, but the original poster stated that her husband always liked to have sex in the early stages of their relationship and then it slowed and now it's nothing.

So either they are "a sexual" and they were simply good actors and pretended to like sex and now that they have their partner they don't care about pretending any longer, or there really is something wrong. I have heard a couple of females state that they didn't like sex, but pretended to like it whilst dating so that they could get a husband and marry. I don't think this is fair at all. It's very sad for the other party who doesn't know he/she has been fooled.
The thing is only the man himself knows what is going on.

I hear what the original poster was saying about her husband wanting sex at the begining of the relationship - But, you often here of people who marry, when they are in fact really 'gay' so that they can have a much wanted family. They also have sex with their partner, although deep down living a lie.

So looking at it like that an 'A Sexual' person may marry in the hope to have sex only to reproduce.

Like you say it is sad, but for a person to say they are A Sexual to a new partner, and lose the chance of ever marrying and having a family, you can understand why they might pretend otherwise at the beginning of a relationship.

Also A Sexual people can have sex if they choose, it is just that they don't desire it.
I really feel you pain. I am in the same boat with my wife and it is truley heartbreaking. Unfortunately there hasn't been nearly as much work done in finding a cure for women as there has been for men. Men are very simple animals. There is absolutely hope for you but he needs to treat his lack of desire, not just ED. Men are much easier to cure. The issues are obvious: He is 50 - his testosterone levels need to be checked. At 50 he is very likely to need treastment. Issue 2 is the antidepressants. They not only kill performance but rob desire. This being the case it's important to take the right medication and it should be administered properly. Viagra would be the wrong treatment here because it's for a man that has the desire and just needs help with his erection. I think he should discuss taking a daily dose of Cialis with his doctor as a counter measure to the antidepressant. Cialis is long lasting (36 hrs) and not only helps ED but also will increase a man's interest in sex. Being long lasting it will make him feel more sexual & flirty all day. Getting him into that type of mindset will put you in a much better position to work your magic. Good luck.
You really just need to sit down with your husband and talk to him, not yell! Don't fight! You will never gte things worked out if you can't talk about your problems. If you need to, hire a meditor.

Do not have an affair. That will just make things worse. Plus, if you are flirting and saying thins like "We should met up later!" thats cheat too. Emtional cheating is worse. You would be making a bad situation worse.

If you can't work it out, leave him. Do cheat. You will lose your husband as a friend, and everything else.

Has you relationship always been like this? Sexless? Maybe he should go talk to a doctor. I am sure he will do this if he knows that your relationship is on the line.

I wish you the best of luck! I have never been in your place. However, I have been in relationships tht he couldn't get me off. Every relationship but the one with the guy I am with now failed. It was hard on both of us. He just got to the point where he didn't want to have sex with me. It was easier to go beat it to internet porn.


I don't know if this thread (problem) is still moving on, or has a solution been found and established in the meantime? Hope so, but anyway I feel like saying something. Nothing original, but probably the very obvious.

To my mind, for a man in his early fifties to have no sexual interest whatsoever is a question of health. A healthy man in his fifties can't normally go without sex for more than a week. If he can't have sex (and I mean, if he can't have an orgasm, ejaculation) with his wife or partner, he will look for another person or, in most cases, he will resort to masturbation. Doesn't your husband even masturbate?

I think this loss of sexual drive has to do with his lifestyle, with his food, with his sleep, etc... How can a man be sexually active in his fifties if he goes on eating junk food, eating between meals, sleeping poorly, overworking, putting himself in stressful situations, etc?

I would first of all propose him that he changes his diet and then watch what happens. The way you eat, what you eat is a reflection of your sexuality. Talk to him about ways to improve and restore his health and his body and his sexuality will be restored as a consequence. Take part in this. Change your ways, too, to show you are committed.

Discuss with him what best ways are to improve your health together. After a few years, the life of a couple can't be based upon sex alone, although sex is still a very important foundation.

If he is not willing to improve his health, then maybe a friendly divorce or separation would be in line for you. This could be your ultimate investment in this relationship.

Best of luck for both of you.

A lot of medications can cause problems in the sexual libido department. My dad went on tablets for high blood pressure and couldn't perform sexually. He took it quite badly as he felt my mum would miss the sex. I think she saw the whole thing as a God send as to her sex was simply something you did to have children and a wife's duty. Now in their mid 60's they just think sex isn't something for the "oldies" yet to some couples it's a very important part of their relationship as a couple.
Some couples are fortunate to be having sex at such an older age. I think it has a lot to do with the type of marriage they have had, how open minded they are about sex and the fact they communicate and also having relatively good health.

A lot of people whether they have been together a few years or 20 years feel they have zero in common and almost lead seperate lives, whereas you see some elderly couples still holding hands and looking as though they are still in love. I guess they are the ones having the sex :) When ever my mum see's elderly couples holding hands she refuses to believe they are married and says they are most likely newly dating or having an affair. Yes, i do get frustrated with her for such comments!!
[QUOTE=kj547;2540124]I am 38 yo, workout regularly and take very good care of myself. Most people consider me very attractive & I work in a well-respected and well-paying job. My husband is older than me (50 yo) and is very accomplished. My husband has no interest in sex but is still very affectionate with me (which is almost worse). He has a history of depression but says that the antidepressants make his sex drive worse. We tried counselling & ended up fighting about what we told the counsellor. He is not cheating--I am certain. This has been going on for years & I am at my wit's end. We have not had sex in almost a year, but have had some minor foreplay. I am so attracted to him but am starting to resent him & feel frustrated. I am sick of the feeling of rejection & isolation and talking about it only leads to fighting. I feel so lonely, but no one that knows us would ever guess & seem to think we have a perfect relationship. But for the sex, we have a great friendship and do everything together. It kills me when friends call late at night & hope they didn't interrupt anything. I wish!!! I am at the point where I am seriously considering cheating with someone I have know for years. We have been talking alot, etc. and are making plans to spend more time together. I know I am flirting with danger but can't seems to wait any longer for my marriage to change. I have even considered whether to get divorced. If he catches me cheating, we will probably get divorced. But, I would rather avoid divorce if I could just have my need for intimacy met. Any suggestions?[/QUOTE]

I am the same situation I am 37 and he is 50. I to have thought about cheating. I am not married to him yet. But I dont know if I can deal with a sexless relationship. I find myself actually turned off now. I use to want him all the time. But now I am having second thoughts. My case I am glad we havent married yet.
I know exactly how you feel KJ. I am 37, dating a man who is 50. He is also on Anti-depressants, etc. Similar situation. I feel very much alone. I am to the point of rejecting him totally. I know smoe in here have said its wrong to cheat, but that has crossed my mind a few times. I have ways of taking care of myself, but its not enough. I havent married him yet. When I read your post here I am like omg thats ME. Right now I am frustrated and confused. Hopefully I will come up with the right fix for my problem. The way I feel right now I do not want to kiss him, be near him, etc. He has gotten nothing but a cold shoulder today from me. I dunno maybe I should be with someone near my age. I read one post where they talked abotu elders here thinking that holding hands, kissin etc is their way of makign love, maybe thats my boyfriends mind set.

Frustrated in NY

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