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Sexual Health - Women Message Board

Sexual Health - Women Board Index


I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. We have lived together for 3 years. In the beginning of our relationship we lived far apart so we saw each other once a week and on the weekends. During these times together we always had sex, and I felt we had really great sex. Both were willing to explore and I felt we were on the same page sexually. He initiated it most of the time, but I did also & I was always willing. Now I've put on some weight, and have low self esteem, and am struggling with depression and don't feel like he wants me at all. We have other issues also in our relationship and I just don't feel comfortable initiating it with him. Things sort of slowed down as it does when the newness wears off, but at this point the sex is almost non-existent. The only time we do have sex is when I repeatedly voice my concerns about it for a few days and then he does initiate sex. However, there is hardly ever any foreplay, never any kissing at all, and the sex lasts for less then 10 minutes with frequent stopping and waiting. It seems as though with foreplay he just kind of does what he wants. I've even tried to tell him what I like or make a sound like I'm enjoying the foreplay and he doesn't keep doing it and moves along. When we first met, he could last for a good amount of time. Not to long, not to short. It was perfect. Then halfway into our relationship he all of a sudden has premature ejaculation. He can't go longer then a couple minutes without stopping and waiting...or just ejaculating immediately and apologizing. I've cried about that, because there was no joy in sex for me at that point. I felt like he just wanted to get it over with or something. I thought it was me. I've cried about it, I've been supportive about it, I've acted like I don't care about it.

6 months ago, I left the house for a couple hours. When I got home, I went to use the restroom, and I noticed a glass dildo we had purchased for me on a shelf. It wasn't there when I had left, and I went numb. I asked him about it, and he got that look on his face that someone gets when they have been caught doing something. He couldn't come up with a reason it was out, and got mad as if I did something wrong and stormed off. Later after thinking of a good excuse I suppose he approached me to tell me why it was out from the drawer, and said he got it out for when I got home. Which was strange since we just had a whole weekend with no children and all of a sudden he is wanting to get frisky on a Sunday night...and also he has NEVER, ever done this...ever. He would just pull it out of the drawer next to our bed while we were having sex. Why would it be in the bathroom? I honestly didn't even want to know why he had it out. I am pretty positive he wouldn't cheat on me, as I don't know when he would find the time to do so, and the only other thing I could think of was he was using it on himself. I didn't even want to know if that was the reason, or that when I'm gone he is getting that into it alone. We then would go 1-2 months with absolutely no sex at all. I then noticed that he had been to a porn website on his computer, which I don't have a problem with if we had a healthy sex life, but we don't, and I think looking at porn and masturbating when you have a willing girlfriend is weird. Often times when we were first together, and I would be at his house on the weekends, I would hear him masturbating in the shower. Like we would wake up and he would go get in the shower and masturbate, when I was laying right there next to him definitely willing to have sex. I found that very odd.

We have had 2 sexual encounters the past 2 months. One was a month ago, and it was anal sex...and then we had regular sex a week ago. I was complaining again about our lack of intimacy this weekend. I left to pick up my children from their Dad's, and when I got home I went to the restroom again. I noticed lube on the back of the toilet. I asked him why that was out, and he rushed over and sighed like he couldn't believe he left that out, and grabbed it and put it in the drawer. I asked what he was doing with it and he said masturbating. Which again is weird since all weekend I was basically saying we don't have sex, I want sex, I feel like he's not attracted to me anymore. Which results in us having zero sex, and him masturbating when I left. Which is again weird when you have a willing participant.

Some history about our sex life. He was always telling me how he loved anal sex when we first met. He was always talking about sex, or talking dirty. He boosted about how he had had at least 50 partners, which I found quiet gross. He seemed very sexual though. I had never had anal sex before, but after we were together awhile I tried it. It wasn't as bad as I anticipated. So, on a rare occasion we will do that if I am menstruating or he tries and I am willing. Which he is always, always, always trying to do. When he does give me oral sex, he spends most of his time performing oral on my anus, rather then my vagina. Every single time he has to put fingers in my anus. I've even told him, I'd prefer if he didn't put his fingers or try to put vibrators in my anus every time we have sex. Occasionally would be okay, or I'll guide him there if I want it. He never listens, but instead does what he wants regardless of my wishes. That is baffling to me too. I don't understand how you forget that your girlfriend told you she doesn't care for that all the time. When we do have intercourse, almost every time, he will enter in my vagina and within minutes he is trying to put his penis in my anus. I've felt for some time now that he's just not that into vaginal sex or oral sex on my vagina. I'm pretty sure that if he could, he'd perform oral sex on my butt and have anal sex with me every single time, and he'd never have vaginal sex with me. Also, I've noticed that every single time we have anal sex he is very slow in ejaculating, and also very slow with his thrusting. It's like when two people make love. He'll even want to kiss. However, with regular intercourse it's always very fast and rough. I've often resorted to having anal with him just so I can feel that closeness, a couple shares when they make love. We've never "made love" except for once within the first couple years of our relationship. Once in 6 years. Also, I cannot remember the last time we kissed as foreplay. I can't remember the last time we french kissed at all. He has dental issues and frequently has bad breath so I assume that is why? In our sexual history we've experimented a lot and I've always been open to try things. There were times when thing were hot and heavy and he guided my fingers to his anus, and even let me know he wanted me to lick his anus. Which I did numerous times. I didn't so much mind putting my fingers in his anus, at the time, but was always embarrassed about it afterward. I realized I didn't enjoy orally pleasing him beyond normal sex. So, when he would put my finger neat his butt I would pull my hand away repeatedly until he stopped. He would be pretty persistent about it most times too. Or he would pull his penis from my mouth and push my head down to his rectum. I would pull away and put his penis in my mouth trying to get really into it to distract him, and he would be really persistent with that also. Another problem with that was he wouldn't clean himself before hand. I am pretty meticulous about being clean down there when we have sex, and I've asked him before to maybe shower beforehand if he wanted to do something that night. Not every time, obviously if it was a spur of the moment kind of thing you can't plan, but if you had an inkling you wanted sex that night, it's simple...bathe. Especially if he wanted me to do those things with his butt, I want it freshly cleaned...obviously. Which is what I do, because I know that he will go there, and I want to make sure it's super clean.

In 6 years, we've both put on a considerable amount of weight. Yet, I'm still sexually attracted to him, and don't care about his weight gain. So, I don't know if that is an issue for him? I've tried to talk about it, and would love to know what goes through his head as to why. I'm too fat for him? I'm not crazy overweight or anything. He feels inadequate with his abilities? Maybe he's gay? I don't know. He's not feminine what so ever, he's very much a manly man, so I don't know...but with all the love for everything anal and using my toys when he's alone somewhat disturbs me a bit. When I've asked he acts annoyed by me constantly bringing it up. He's said he's attracted to me. He's said he just doesn't want sex very much anymore like he did in his 20's, he says it's because I don't initiate it. It's never this is the reason(s) why, lets fix this. It's always something different or he just gets annoyed at me and starts a fight with me for voicing my concerns. Help me! I don't know what to do, and I honestly cannot live like this forever. :(

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