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Grief & Loss Board Index


Miss my Mom so bad
Dec 10, 2004
Lost my Mom April,4th 2001. I miss her so bad I cant stand it. I was there with her getting chemo....we were very close...I have no brothers or sisters. Losing her was everything. I have no parents now and I am 33...My Dad hasn't wanted anything to do with me ever since I was 12 years old. He lives in the same town but I never hear from him. I am just so depressed and think of her everyday and its been this long. The only thing that keeps me going is to get through college, I am a junior now. I know I went back late, but nobody can take my education away from me;) I still wonder if she is okay. When she passed I really was pissed off at the world and hated God. Now I do not know what to believe ,,...Long story...Anyway, I am just wondering how to cope an deal. Sometimes I wonder if am going to get what she had. She had a rare blood disease called polycythemia vera. I am just hopeless and a complainer right now,,,sorry....But I am wondering if this will get any better.....I still remember her talking to me and every little thing.........I miss her so much....Now I do not even want anything to do with doctors or hospitals or tests.,...I am scared to death they are going to find something....So I stay away....I had to deal with my 5 year old going through ITP a blood disorder that is now cured,,,but I went through that while my mom was dying in the hospital at the same time...I just wanted to get away and have everything normal again..,...I just cant stand tests of any kind...anyway enough of me complaining...I just think I need some sort of anxiety pill or something....good grief.....well if anyone has any advice please write
First...Welcome to the boards. Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. You will find alot of support here from people who have experienced what you have. I have not lost my mother so I can not understand your pain..only imagine. I hope things get better for you and your heart heals in time. You never have to forget her and I hope you do know that she is with you. I am glad that your child is ok too. I do hope things get better for you.
Hello and welcome. I just lost my mother about 2 weeks ago, So I think I know your pain. My mother was everything to me, and I am an only child, and I didn’t want her to go, and I feel that she was killed and I’m just so confused, so I know how you feel, the best advice I have received was it will never get better, it will only get easer. The worst part for me is the religious part like you, being so confused. I had a strong faith, and I watched her die, and I know she didn’t want to, but there was no choice, but around the end I think she did want to, she just didn’t tell me. It was the worst thing I ever saw, and I would hate to have to go through that with my Child. My Grandmother watched her daughter die, just as I watch it happen. So she was a mother and a daughter. I think the worst part was, she held on for so long, that watching her body fail in all these different areas was hard and painful. I cared for her at the end, and helped her go to the bathroom, and I loved it, I could do it forever rather then lose her, but her pain was so terrible. The way she looked at me, like a child, the way I looked at her, not meaning to, but full of pity.

But I always had hope, then my aunt told her to leave that it was ok, that everyone loved her, bluh bluh bluh, and I HATE that she was there at the end and told her to leave, I feel like she killed her. But at the same time I know it was best…. So that confusion, your talking to her. I going through it too.

I still have faith in God because he has helped me in so many ways and I know that smoking killed my mother not God, but sometime I feel like he could of saved her but didn’t. The worst is when people say “she is not in body but with you in spirit,” and I don’t believe it, but I want to, she is gone, maybe to a better place. And I’m left here, and I hate it. But staying here with me in spirit would be the worst thing, because I hate this planet why would she want to stay here? Ha ha ha I know that she knows that I would not want her to stay in spirit with me if there was a wonderful place in God heart she was able to reach. And that one day I will meet her there, and that form of letting her go is actually helping.

And now … life goes on and I miss her, but things are starting to get a bit easier. So I will pray for you that God will help you fined your answers and put your confused mined to peace as well ^_^
[QUOTE=stormygirl]Lost my Mom April,4th 2001. I miss her so bad I cant stand it. I was there with her getting chemo....we were very close...I have no brothers or sisters. Losing her was everything. I have no parents now and I am 33...My Dad hasn't wanted anything to do with me ever since I was 12 years old. He lives in the same town but I never hear from him. I am just so depressed and think of her everyday and its been this long. The only thing that keeps me going is to get through college, I am a junior now. I know I went back late, but nobody can take my education away from me;) I still wonder if she is okay. When she passed I really was pissed off at the world and hated God. Now I do not know what to believe ,,...Long story...Anyway, I am just wondering how to cope an deal. Sometimes I wonder if am going to get what she had. She had a rare blood disease called polycythemia vera. I am just hopeless and a complainer right now,,,sorry....But I am wondering if this will get any better.....I still remember her talking to me and every little thing.........I miss her so much....Now I do not even want anything to do with doctors or hospitals or tests.,...I am scared to death they are going to find something....So I stay away....I had to deal with my 5 year old going through ITP a blood disorder that is now cured,,,but I went through that while my mom was dying in the hospital at the same time...I just wanted to get away and have everything normal again..,...I just cant stand tests of any kind...anyway enough of me complaining...I just think I need some sort of anxiety pill or something....good grief.....well if anyone has any advice please write[/QUOTE]
Hello. I lost my mother Feb 2002. She went soon after a heart attack on the heals of pneumonia. My 2 children (whom she was minding as I worked) watches her collapse in the living room of her home that night. I am grateful that she had someone with her when this happened (although i wish they hadn't had to see her that way) She was only 59 then and was taken to the hospital where the staff we spoke with led my sister and I to believe that she would come around the next day. Well..... I spent that day near my Mother in the cardiac wing listening to the attending doctor tell me that all the tests they performed were not as hoped and that my mother had no brain function and was kept alive only by respirator. She slipped away later that afternoon as I held her hand......I never got to say goodbye even though I was right there. Yes it hurts like hell, But I will always know this.....She is part of WHO I AM and so is her memory and so is the pain of losing her. You never lose that because it becomes PART OF YOU and WHO YOU ARE. Please always think of this....... "Ask not more of your tears than those who have loved you would ask, for in doing so you commit the more of you to where the heart dies, rather than where it thrives!!!!!" LIVE... as they did!!!
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Hi my name is Debra & I also lost my mother on Nov.8th 2004 she was such a special mom & person I miss her a great deal its like shes still here with me.
I just can't get used to her being gone. She was happy at her place of many years until my brother & middle sister had her moved to a different house & there she was unhappy she was getting around some with her walker but couldn't walk on her own then before I knew it those 2 family members had her put into a Nursing Home which she said long time ago she never wanted to go to a place like that she told my middle sister one day its like your putting me away before my time but did my sister listen no she didn't. Mom
just could not be by herself I was staying with her until I had to move out of her Apt. I did all I could for her but since my kids were taken from me back on Aug. 1st 2002 I have not been the same its like I was in a different world & today we are still apart me & my 4 children my mom was suffering right along with me with her grandkids being gone. At the nursing home mom was eating pretty good then it got to where she was barely eating & couldn't get out of bed at all she didn't weight very much then she went on pain medicine & breathing treatments & oxgent & my brothers & sisters kept telling me to be prepared it won't be long well those words hurt me because all along the way I had be praying for her to get better & be able to walk again & do her therpy my sister stopped her therpy & on the sunday before we lost her she seemed to be doing better but the next day I had to be out of town & she wasn't talking at all that Monday when I got back to the Nursing Home her room was full of family members & it hurt me so much seeing her like that.
Right before we lost her she just starred straight out her eyes not moving at all & for the first time in almost 27 years since my dad has been gone I told her I loved her well you know what happened next she smiled so big like she heard me it made me feel so good telling her before it was too late why I could not tell her before I do not know all the other kids did but me. Then she took her last breathe & that was it. I have never experienced anything like that before in my life & it being my mother was even harder. It has not been 6 months yet until mothers day & the hurt I feel like it will always be there.
I loved her so very much & never told her until the end but I know she knew it all these years she just wanted to hear it from me I was the oldest daughter to. Now shes in heaven with my dad they are together & I know shes watching down over us kids. God is taking care of her & no more pain or suffering. I know she will be walking in heaven. I just was not ready to give her up I had so many things I wanted to say to her. One of my close friends said to me she just gave up she didn't like the shape she was in at all. She wanted to walk but she couldn't. She will always be in my heart forever. She will never be forgotten. Someday I will see her in heaven & what a great day that will be. God Bless each & everyone of you who have losed a loved one.
Debra & her kids.
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I'm so sorry stormygirl you lost your mother. I know the pain I lost mine almost 6 months ago & don't think I will ever get over her being gone.
I was not ready at all to give her up. This is one the hardest thing I have
had to do dealing with my mother being gone & my 4 children being taken from me almost 3 yrs. ago now that hurts alot but been trying real hard to get my 3 little ones back my oldest son is apart of Job Corps & doing very well. He was my first born & my mom thought he was it. I wished I knew what to tell you always keep your mother in your heart & never forget her & all the goodtimes yall shared/forget any bad times. Know that shes in a better place than us & shes no longer suffering & in pain. God is taking care of her.[B]{removed} [/B] God Bless you & I'm here if you wanta talk. Debra & kids from Missouri
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Angel

StormyGirl,

I am missing my mom, too ~ I can't stop crying. I lost her almost one month ago, and she will always be the world to me. I had to reply to your message, as I was searching for something for comfort, and found this message board with your letter. It struck me, not only because you lost your mom, like I did, but I also have been diagnosed with polycythemia vera. I don't know that much about it, but what I do know scares me. I have children and someday I would like to be here for them and for their children in the future. I also lost my dad when I was a teenager ~ so feel very lost and alone. I feel for you and the pain you are experiencing because it is my own.

I don't want to leave my children alone because of polycythemia vera. I know it is a rare disease - and so far, I haven't found anyone who knows anything about it, much less heard about it. I was real surprised to see your post.

I wish your mom was here and I wish my mom was here, too. It is very hard, I know. They are here in Spirit, though. I know this. God Bless You!!!
My mother died 1/4/05 . I was 53 years old. It feels as though she just left me. The hurt inside continues to burn like fire. I want to talk to her see her, laugh with her , share my day with her. I want to hug her. I miss my mom so bad it hurts.
hi this is susan yall all know my story we were both in the hospital 2 floors apat i was in 2110 and she was in4001 i was in for broncitus from a camping trip and she was to have a blood trans. her hemo was low have it and go home. she was put in on monday morning i was put in on wensday. i called her told her were i was and she had an arithmea on tues. and told me she almost left this world. i told her not to doo that any more and i told her i would call her in the morning . i coulnt go see her because i was contages my doc, wouldnt let me see her. well i wake up thurs day morning and here the code blue go off x3 and all i coluld do is holler at the nurses station . what little voice i had i couldnt hardley talk. so i didnt get to say good by. my mom wasnt supossed to die. in one day out the next. no dying even remotely in the picture. iron was low get a trans. to bring up blood count. go home . thats it. no dying. my heart hurts like i cant explain. i just dont under stand why at 9'30a.m. on sept.28th my mom had to die. my friend i have met on here cap city has tried to tell me i just dont understand and being sick at the same time and i couldnt even go in a wheel chair up to her rm. dr.mike sewell my doc. said no and the nurses said no. i was one sick puppy. and mom had to rest. blood clot form ? didnt even enter our mind that it would happen wel it did and moved to her lung. just that quick. i miss my mom so bad i stop at the grave every sunday unless weather dosnt permit it after work . i never got to say good by. love you mom cant stop crying. susan kay:angel:
My mom passed away on 05/26/07. I expected her to come home and she died in front of me. They brought her back three times and I had them put her on life support. Once i saw her badly bruised body I made the decision that when her heart stopped again I would let her go. I sat by her bedside for 12 hours and I told her how greatful I was for bring me this far. She was 56 and I am 37. We have had a whole life together never apart. She was my best friend and my biggest fan. She had renal failure I took her to the hospital on the 14th and it snowballed from there. Cancer discovered and she was due to begin chemo the following week, and then while on the dialysis machine she coded. I knew in my heart she was gone, but I couldn't just let her go. I was her only child, and I have never met my biological father. I have such a whle in my heart and now I have been tested to see if I have cancer also, the test came back slightly elevated but no conclusion until further testing. I miss her so much the thought of joining her is half appealing. The other side is in spite of the loss of her, I have a great life. Filled with great memories, I have all the material things we are supposed to want out of this life. I never married and have no children, but hoestly not sitting here filled with regrets over either decision. I believe I would be a good mother, as I learned from the best. Whatever my fate I'm just numb. My cousin who attended her funeral last saturday, has now lost her husband and I'm here trying to be her support and comfort, but every now and then I slip off into ,my own darkness. I sightly cry for my mom any time I think of her. I'm so afraid I'll forget the little things about my mom. My mom, Betty M. Cooper, my love, my life, my heart...MOM. Has anyone had signs form there Mom after they passed on, just curious? I have seen to much of the medium.
My mom went from a blood clot too. I feel your pain, doesn't seem like that should happen in a hospital.
Hi RIPBMC,

So sorry about your Mom. I lost my Mom on 2/07, they actually placed her headstone today. My Mom was also my best friend. I miss her more and more every day. It seems to hit home more each day. is it like that for you? I still can not believe she is gone. My Mom was 64, I am 40. She had surgery fro lung cancer 1 year before she died. She was supposedly "cured". I'm not sure what happened to her, possibly a diabetic problem that made her initially crash, but we spent 8 days at the hospital with her as she was dying. It was up and down the entire 8 days, until the last day.....my brother and I were with her when she took her last breath. I have prayed every day since then for a sign from her or God that she is ok. She told me that a couple of months after her Dad died she had a dream (or not) and her Dad appeared and said nothing except "I'm ok"....I have Faith, and I know she is in heaven, but what a lovely vision and waht peace hat woud bring to me. Anyway, sorry again for your loss and I know exactly how you feel. Oh, by the way, I live in the High Desert, you are the closest one to me I've seen here so far :)
so sorry. my mum died five years ago. i was there at the end too. but you know being there for her at the end really helps. when my dad died i wasn't there, arriving just too late, it was awful and i can never forgive myself for it.
you really don't need to go to a medium to contact your mum, just look in the mirror and you will see her, especially as the years go by. and if you feel like it, when you are alone and know that you will not be disturbed, talk to her, just like you used to when she was alive. we never lose those we love, they are always with us. be strong. i know how bad it is, but everything passes.
I lost my mom on 5/30/07 to lung cancer. I miss her so bad it hurts! I am ok for awhile then it hits me like a ton of bricks that she won't be back. I left next door to her and my dad. So it is very hard to still have to go out there everyday. I try not to go in her room - but I do sometimes pick up her coat and it smells just like her!
For me it is the smell of her purse, that reminds me of her. I also found the lotion I put on her when she was in the hospital. So smelling that scent called moonlight path makes me remember her alive and well.
Hi Darlene;
I went to a medium and my Mom came through and said many things we spoke about when she was alive. It was great , but I left feeling empty and needing more. I wanted so much more. Hell I want my MOM. The thought that she will not come through my back door ever again is more than I can stand. My friend says i have to many pictures of her around the house, but it's all I can do. I do wonder when I can think of her, without have a breakdown.
For those of us who sit there for their last breathe, how do you get rid of the image? That image of her with all the tubes etc. seems so dominant in my thoughts. I was lucky to have had her for 37 years but right now it seems so much harder to remember the good times. I keep going back to the end instead of all the good stuff in the middle.
Hi, I am so sorry that you cannot get the image of your mom's death out of your head. I lost my mom 9 months ago and I held her while she was dying, it was one of the worst moments of my life but there is not a place I would have rather been in the entire world. I miss her so much too, she was my best friend. I hope that you can maybe see that you were with her for a reason and be thankful that you were there.......I am sure she wanted you with her.
I too lost my mom. She died at 8:25am on 8/29/2002 - two weeks after my 22nd birthday. She was my best friend also. She died of ovarian cancer - she was 43 years old. I remember everything: things she told me, the way she felt - she told me she wasn't scared, she just wasn't ready to die. The most helpless feeling in the world is seeing your lovedone, knowing their dying and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do to take it away and make them better!! I remember the feeling (which I can not describe) of having to take her belongings out of the hospital cupboards while she lay lifeless in the bed.

I am still tormented by horrible dreams of her being sick, and dying, and pleading on the phone with me to get there. I can count on one hand the number of good dreams I have had (2-3) and they help. I miss her SOOO bad still, and I still cry for her like a child sometimes. I got married last October, and that was soo hard without her. Now, my husband and I are trying to start a family, and knowing she'll never see her grandchildren breaks my heart. Her mom died young also; 44 of breast cancer. And I can remember my mom talking about what a wonderful person she was and how I would have loved her, but it felt so distant to me because I didn't know her. That hurts me also, because as much as I loved my mom and knew how wonderful she was, my kids are going to feel the same way [I]I[/I]did when my mom talked about her mom.

PLEASE don't avoid the doctor though. If you know something runs in your family, be preventitive so that if, god forbid, something does happen, they can catch it early.
Stormygirl are you still here? I feel like your story and mine mirror each other. I wondered how you are doing these days.
I'm proud of you in spite of your tremendous loss, you still recognize the need to be proactive in your care. I pray you will break that chain of BC with the women in your family. God bless you.
i have recently lost my dad i am 13 i am also going through what you have went through but my dad was murdered by a homless guy over a bottle of brandy im trying hard to get through how did you do it?
ummm... yae my name jose. i just got on in the middle of the night and i read a couple of the things posted up here. i just wanted to tell people wat happen wit me. i was 15 when my mom started havin pain. she couldn't go to sleep at night. she went to mexico because we are not poor enough to get medicare but we don't have enough money for hospitals either. she was diagnosed wit cancer. she was a kindergarten teacher. we didn't get along alot but towards the end we used to laugh and dance and sing together. i am in a gang so i was usually locked up or in trouble in school. but she still loved me. she stayed in mexico for a year. when she came back she wasn't the same person. she left again because the pain returned. she died recently when i was 18 on december 7th. the same day me and my ex girlfriend turned 2 years and 11 months of being together. i broke up with her shortly after. she died the same week as finals so i had to fail my classes in order to go to mexico to her funeral. i still go to college and i am now in charge of a house and two cars. i used to be a slacker and now i have so much responsibility. its real hard for me. sometimes i can't take it. but i just push through watever gets in my way and keep on living my life and askin god for help. thats all any of us can do...
[QUOTE=lavender01;3046213]I lost my mom on 5/30/07 to lung cancer. I miss her so bad it hurts! I am ok for awhile then it hits me like a ton of bricks that she won't be back. I left next door to her and my dad. So it is very hard to still have to go out there everyday. I try not to go in her room - but I do sometimes pick up her coat and it smells just like her![/QUOTE]

Seems like we lost are Mom's just a few days a part. I am coping but it is not easy for me. She was all I had. And nothing an no one can take her place. I'm really struggling to find my place in life without her love and guidance. I pray for you peace and mine.
[QUOTE=aztek7777777;3163642]ummm... yae my name jose. i just got on in the middle of the night and i read a couple of the things posted up here. i just wanted to tell people wat happen wit me. i was 15 when my mom started havin pain. she couldn't go to sleep at night. she went to mexico because we are not poor enough to get medicare but we don't have enough money for hospitals either. she was diagnosed wit cancer. she was a kindergarten teacher. we didn't get along alot but towards the end we used to laugh and dance and sing together. i am in a gang so i was usually locked up or in trouble in school. but she still loved me. she stayed in mexico for a year. when she came back she wasn't the same person. she left again because the pain returned. she died recently when i was 18 on december 7th. the same day me and my ex girlfriend turned 2 years and 11 months of being together. i broke up with her shortly after. she died the same week as finals so i had to fail my classes in order to go to mexico to her funeral. i still go to college and i am now in charge of a house and two cars. i used to be a slacker and now i have so much responsibility. its real hard for me. sometimes i can't take it. but i just push through watever gets in my way and keep on living my life and askin god for help. thats all any of us can do...[/QUOTE]

Hang in there Jose. Know your Mom's spirit will alwasy be with you. Losing your mother is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, so I know you will be fine. ANd they say the pain gets less as time goes on. I wouldn't know as it has been three months and it still hits me out of no where that she's gone. But in their honor we must keep moving forward.God bless.
[QUOTE=Niki799;3123491]i have recently lost my dad i am 13 i am also going through what you have went through but my dad was murdered by a homless guy over a bottle of brandy im trying hard to get through how did you do it?[/QUOTE]

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. All I can say is it takes time. I hope you will recognize you are your dad's legacy and so you must make the most of your life. Forgive that man, pray for peace and grow up to be the woman that you dad would and is proud of. God bless U. Just breathe.:angel:
I think it's safe to say, when the time comes, we all will miss our moms. I'm 28 and an only child, and I still cry like a baby when the mood strikes me.

After losing an ex-girlfriend (who left behind a one-year old baby girl) at the age of 21, in February 2004 to a brain tumour, my mother was diagnosed with a form of endometrial cancer that June.

The first thing that ran through my mind was that it was my fault. I was three months premature, and the doctors had no choice but to perform a C-section on her. The thing is, and it's kinda weird, she had a birth defect: two uteruses. I spent a long, long time blaming my birth for her impending death. She fought, and fought hard, going through a few relapses. I became humbled, and just did what I could to be around her, and to watch in awe as she faced this with such dignity. After nearly three years of ups and downs, losses of hope, and a sectional remission, we got the news in February of 2007 that the cancer had finally infected the lymph nodes. Easter sucked, and so did the entire moth after. Unable to care about work or myself, I just stayed at her side for two weeks, and somehow went back to work.

Work did not last, and after a week, things finally made the turn, and I took off for my mom's home. I spent the next excruciating and psychologically damaging week with her in paliative care at the hospital. I even got the doctors to stand up and take notice of her decaying condition. Then, on Sunday, April 29, at 10:50pm, Teresa, holding her "Sunshine's" hand, exhaled one last time, and let go of mine.

All of us that knew and loved her, we were incredibly grateful for the brief time we had.

Oh, large parts of me would kill, in some magical way, to obtain something again. Not that I would even know what I want, and what I can barely acknowledge as what I was, is so far from possible, it just reminds me how far I still have yet to travel to gain peace.

Some of that peace came in the summer of 2007, when my father was finally taken from his six year tenure of suffering from strokes, cranial infarcts, and the physiological breakdown from a prior alcohol addiction.

Kinda of a cursed prayer had been answered for me. No more torment in watching them suffer. But now they're gone, and I'm an orphan, and intrinsicly alone. I railed against it for over two years, horrified of this eventual outcome, knowing how much I depended on them both (even though my dad was pretty sick and immobile at this point).

In time, I hope to cry less and less when I feel the urge that I need them for comfort. I have so much helping me. Great Uncles and Aunts, grandparents, and a great girlfriend. Without any of that, I would be truly lost and hopeless.


********
It's been several months, and I need an outlet to share that with. Just the typing, I hope, frees me a little more.

Thanks for your patience,



Michael C
My mom died January 4, 2008 from lung cancer. We didn't always get along, but I loved her so much. I can't tell you how unbelievable it is that she's no longer here. Forever. It has a whole new meaning.
I miss my mom, too. I have chronic pain and she was the BEST listener, an amazing woman, and loved me unconditionally. She died on December 21, 2007. I miss her a lot tonight. -Sherri
So my mom passed away December of 1999, from breast cancer. I think about my mom every day and wake up several mornings, from dreaming about her, quite often. I'm hoping to find some strength in writing. I find myself crying about her still, this was my 9th mothers day without her this year.
I took care of my mom the last month of her life and before that, took to her all of her chemo treatments, I wouldn't change a thing, about what I look back on now, as quality time. She came to my house the day after Thanksgiving and passed away right before Christmas. I lost my dad 5 1/2 years before that, to a brain tumor. I have three sisters, but only talk to one of them, since there are some pretty intense feelings, between us (called a wicked step mother). At the tender age of 28, I was basically an orphan. All my grandparents have passed away too. Sometimes I feel so lost. I have no kids of my own and most likely won't have any, as I'm almost 37 years old. I guess I'm curious from others, what they do with their grief? What do you do, several years after the fact? Now when I date someone, I find that one of my first questions is about their family and how close they are to them. I have this deep desire for a family and someone to spend the holidays with. Sure, I spend the holidays with my best friend and their families and see my one sister, that I do still keep in touch with, but nothing compares to something that is your own. If someone would have told me 15 years ago, this is how my life was going to be, I never would have believed them.
I lost my mom last month (May, 2008). We were SO close and she meant EVERYTHING to me. But, all of my relationships seem to be falling apart now. My sister and I aren't speaking because mom & I were closer than they were (long story, too), I told my common-law husband's mother off (she has always been so mean to me - as if no one would ever be good enough for her son - which my mom always helped me through), I cry daily, had to be Power of Attorney for mom (and she had absolutely nothing prepared - or life insurance, for that matter, because we didn't think she was going to die) and now I have all of her stuff in my basement until I can figure out what to do with it.

I'm so sad!!! I miss her so much - especially our daily talks. She was my best friend. I have been raised religious (non-practising now, however) but question if God exists. She said she would always be there for me - but I don't believe it anymore. When you're dead, you're dead. She is no “breeze in the wind or sunshine on my face” like some people say. I want HER – not some “breeze”!

Also, I watched her die with my common-law husband. It was awful!!!!!!!!!
Then I, too, had to clean out her hospital closet and take care of ALL of her affairs. I’m so lost without her. Does anyone relate? I need help!

What am I going to do? I'm losing it...
I can relate to you you ILOVEDMOSOMUCH. On May 5th 2008 I lost my mom to Brain Cancer. I was with her every step of the way from when she first was diagnosed with her disease. In October of 2007 I moved back home to help her and to be with her.
I am a 34 year man, and an only child. Yes I will admit I am a mama's boy. I would not have normally admitted that but now I am proud of it. My mom was was not only my mom she was my father, and best friend.

There is not a second that goes by that I do not miss her. I go through my day still talking to her. I feel completely lost. My wife cannot understand although she tries too, but not coming from an only child and fatherless family I think it is hard for her to relate. I find myself feeling all alone and that person that told me that they would never leave me is gone. My best friend has left me. She was the support that I could always guarantee on. No matter what life threw at me or how bad I messed up she was always on my side.
I have talked with people and they tell me it gets easier as time goes on, but what is there that gets easier? The pain? The Grief? Yeah probably.. But one thing is for sure is I will never see her again. hug her, talk to her, cry with her, listen to a story from her, call her when I'm down, call her when I'm up, Let that 1 person that can make you feel more proud of yourself for something you have done than you can for self.
The pain I can deal with... It's everything else that I am having trouble putting in to prospective.
I know that right now when the pain I'm feeling is worse than ever the 1 person that could help is gone.

It comes down to just one thing thing!

I miss my mom.....
I am so sorry for everyone who has lost their mom's who has posted here. Thank you for sharing your stories. It helps me to read how each of you feel and what you have gone and are going through. I hope it helps each of you to post here.

My heart especially goes out to you, Nikki. You are so, so young to lose your dad. I hope that you have supportive people in your life. I hope you will cultivate supportive relationships from caring and responsible adults who can give you the guidance, strength, and love that you need, and who will allow you to share your grief when you need to. I also know that the hardest time to do this is when one is in grief, a double bind, leaving a person to be their own comforter much of the time, which is so hard. But as a child, you still need caring adult guidance and support. Your father's death is not only a huge loss, but an especially angering one, and you have a right to feel however you feel; and no one has the right to deny those feelings. I hope you will post here again soon, and tell us how you are feeling and what you are going through.

**

I am 46 years old, and lost my dear, beloved mother January 22, 1984. She was only 63, and I was 21. It has been 24 years, and I still miss her terribly and am filled with grief over the loss of her. I still cry almost every day. The hole in my heart is huge and gaping. I so wish I could hold my mother, stroke her hair, place my cheek against hers, feel the softness of her skin, and tell her everything is going to be ok, and comfort her in her fear of dying, and make everything better for her. I wish I could be with her in her beloved Paris, walking the streets together, seeing where she lived when she worked for the American Embassy there, showing me her old haunts, as we had always wanted to do. I wish I could hold her hand again as we walked the dogs and talked about friends, family, about her past. I wish she were still here so I could encourage her to get out on her own, to save up money and get away from my father, who was breaking her heart and making her afraid to live, and wanting to die, and low and behold, she swiftly developed lung cancer.

The hardest part for me in grieving is not only in losing her, but in trying to find people with whom I can share my feelings about losing her. I hate people giving me grief advice. Or any advice. I don't want advice, of any kind, shape, form, or nuance. I just want people, anyone, who will listen to me. I want people to begin with the assumption that, as grief listener, their role isn't to advise or educate me: it's that I want to "educate" them, about what I'm feeling, the agony I'm going through. The fear I'm going through. The confusion I'm going through. Without advising me, whatsoever. I don't want people to tell me what worked for them. I just want to be heard, regarding what's going on with me. I'm happy to play the role of listener for their problems. But when it is my turn, I just want to be heard, without advice. Advice-free. If, right now as you read this, you're tempted to give me advice about how to get people to do this, don't! ZERO advice. (Unfortunately, no one seems able to respect that.)

I think people give advice as a way of coping with their own discomfort of hearing someone's pain, anger, fears, loneliness, frustration, and the feelings hearing such feelings in another *triggers in them*. I just want to be listened to, with the listeners keeping their mouths shut, or simply saying, "I'm sorry", and allowing themselves to feel whatever it is they feel while they are listening, either about my situation, or their own. I feel that this is why I have never been able to recover from the severity of my grief. I know now that I will always be filled with heartache for my mother, how could I not be? But I wish I could turn the corner on it, so it isn't holding me down all the time. I feel like every effort to move forward is undercut by this heartache that is holding me back, that makes me just want to curl up in a ball and cry and scream. I just want to be able to share what I'm feeling and know that for the person listening, it has been allowed to sink in, the meaning of what I'm saying, and to just accept how I'm feeling and not try to change it.

I think Elizabeth Kubler Ross' message has really been counterproductive. Ever since she wrote that basically we can "get over" our grief, it seems that's what everyone expects us to do now, instead of allowing us to feel how we feel, which is really the only way that anyone's grief can begin to diminish--once those feelings have been truly accepted *by our listeners*, just as our feelings are, giving us the space to unconditionally feel however we do, for as long as we do, not with advice, but simply compassion.
I recently lost my mom, May 3rd 2008, 3 days after my 21st birthday. It was COMPLETELY unexpected. My mom went in for surgery on May 1st to get a knee replacement. She got through the surgery, but needed to stay in the hospital for a few days. On May 2nd, I was at the hospital with her because I never wanted to leave her there alone, my aunt was with me. I went downstairs for a cigg, so I gave her a kiss and a hug and told her I loved her. I came back up from my cigg and it was like a bad dream, doctors and nurses running in and out of her room. No one would tell me what was going on. I had to call my dad to have him come back up to the hospital since they didn't know what was going on. Well they rushed her down for an MRI and found a blood clot. We had her flown to Jefferson in Philly who are experts in strokes and blood clots. They performed emergency surgery, but it was too late. And this whole time she was sleeping and on life support, so she wasn't "there" I couldn't hear her say goodbye to me. I am so thankful our last words were I love you. I had to watch her lay there lifeless for 24 hours til all the family got there to say goodbye. I got in bed with her, and put her arm around me since she couldn't move. I know she would want that. She was my best friend, my rock, my everything. I feel completely lost without her. She had 3 other children who are much older than me, and with a different father ( but my sister and i became extremely close) so I was raised as an only child. I just want my mom back to hug me and hold me and tell me it will be okay. I need to know she's okay. It hurts so bad knowing she will never see her grandchildren. What hurts worse is my children will never know their grandmother. She was such an amazing woman. She had such a big heart. If I can be half the woman she was I will be a great person. I still don't believe she's gone. Sometimes it hits me and sometimes it doesn't. Has anyone else gone through that? Where you are almost in denial? Well thank you all for sharing with me, and I am so sorry for all of you. We have each other to talk to and I know for me this will help alot. Thank you all again.
Amanda, I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. My husband died in the beginning of june, so I know this feeling numbness and that sometimes it feels real and sometimes it is not. I hope time will easy our pain, but I also feel so helpless now that I don't really know what to say. Take good care of yourself.
To Plant:

I'm sorry you are suffering so much.
Amanda, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. My Mom passed on October 4, 2007. She had Ovarian cancer. She was my everything. She was my best friend, my rock, and so much more. You ask if anyone felt denial. I still feel denial at times. Some days I walk around like everything is OK and then I feel like I wake and realize oh my god she isn't here with me anymore. There are times I feel her with me and yet I want to be greedy have her here with us. I want more time with her. Denial is normal for the stages of grief. Please don't let anyone rush you through your grieving process. I know still to this day that when I have that wake up moment that she has passed on I just want to rip my heart out because it hurts so bad. Life feels so out of whack and just not right anymore. I keep moving forward because I know she would want that and yet I wonder if life will have happy times again. I have learned to let myself cry, to only talk to people who let me grieve and if there is anyone who hasn't lost a mother and want to give advice I don't talk to them about it, because I don't want to hear it. They don't know what it feels like yet. Sending you hugs. Beth
Amanda I can fully relate... My mom passed away 2 months ago today. She was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer only 10 weeks before she passed. I almost feel like if we didn't make her go and get her lump checked and have the surgery she would still be here. She didn't get sick until they told her she was sick. For 2 weeks before her passing she was hospitalized and that was hard to see she was mentally altered and it took time to get her back to her self.. that was a reaction to one of the drugs given for her chemo. I was the last person to see my mom. I went to her house the morning she died to give her morning meds, fresh drinks for the day and things to munch on and told her we were gonna get her up out of bed the next day and take a shower and walk the hall to get rid of her noodle leg.. and she just laughed at me and said " yeah whatever" when I left her that day I never thought I would come back after work to find her gone. I told her I loved her and will see her in the afternoon and I want the pop tart gone before I come back .. After work I decided to stop and get my hair cut since I practically lived at the hosp and her house I took some time for me and I felt so guility.. I had a check from a lawsuit she had been waiting on and was so excited to tell her I walked through her house and yelled " mom it came it came!" and went to wake her and her leg was hanging out of the bed which was normal so I shook her and she didn't move! I was so freaked out I couldn't even talk to the 911 operator.. luckily her neighbor is a paramedic and heard my call and he came running with his wife and took over.
I fall asleep everynight with that day running through my head wondering what I could have done differently that day. Did I miss something that morning when I gave her the meds? Why didn't she tell me something wasn't right? My mom and I were best friends we did everything together. I have 2 other sisters but they weren't nearly as close to mom as I was .. they were close to her in their own ways.

I haven't had a full nights sleep in 2 months and the nightmares just keep coming. I had her dog at my house at first and the dog snores but sounded like gasping for air and I woke up screaming because I was visioning in my sleep with this noise my mom gasping for air trying to call for help and I wasn't there. I should have been there.

I come home every day and want to pick up the phone and call her to tell her what happened in my day and can't. I am now having troubles with my sisters and her estate which makes losing mom even harder when you see people that don't know her on the level you do throwing her stuff away without asking . My mom would have such a fit with what they are doing . I am to the point I can't wait for it all to be over so I can cut the ties with my sisters, I would rather not have them in my life than put up with how they are being. I never have gotten along with my older sister she is the cause of many family problems for many many years so I am happy to get rid of her!

Everyone says it takes time and things will get easier and I am not finding that true. Everyday seems more and more difficult almost like I am finally realizing she is gone but it hits me brand new everyday like a mack truck. I find myself crying at least once a day some days LOTS more. I keep expecting her to pop up and say " Gotcha" " Just wanted to see how my funeral would go"

I am right there with you though I miss my mom like crazy and wish I could have one more day. :(
I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I know you feel cheated, as I did when I lost my mother. It has been 10 years since she passed away and the pain never goes away. You just learn how to cope. The main way I cope is reminding myself that my mother wants me to be happy. She would not want me to be sad or depressed. So, I make myself go on. It is not easy. Just remember that everyone has to cope with pain some time in their lives...it is just a part of life. The best thing you can do to honor your mother is be a good mother and remember all the ways she nurtured you. I believe that the deceased are an integral part of our lives, spiritually. It is sort of a 'one way street' though. You just have to believe, pray and know they are aware of your life. Your mother is helping you in ways you cannot be aware of. Just have the faith and believe. :angel:
It is so sad reading all of these stories, but in a strange way it is a relief because it means everything I feel is normal. My mom died 8 days ago on August 2. She had been "sick" for a few months with unexplained alilments. She was told she had asthma, the pain was either arthritis, sciatica, or a pinched nerve. We thought she was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. She went from well and active to wheelchair bound in matter of weeks. How very wrong all of that was. On July 7 we were dumbfounded when we learned she had metastatic bone cancer. The next day we learned of a tumor on her lungs that was found a month ago that no one called about. It too appeared to be metatstic and we were told from looking at how fast she had gone down, she didn't have much time left. We never found out where the cancer began. We were referred straight to hospice. Just 3-1/2 weeks later, my mom died. We burried her August 6.

I am so lost with out my momma. I am an only child and we were so close. We talked every day and she was very involved in our lives. She was my best friend. I have 3 yr old and 1 yr old daughters who ADORED their MeMe. And I'm heartbroken that she won't be here to watch them grow up. I watched her suffer and die before my very eyes, yet it doesn't seem real. I am so sad.... so numb. I cried an ocean of tears, but now I'm just numb. I keep thinking how can she be gone? This wasn't supposed to happen. I miss her so very much and I can't believe she is really gone.
Hello all. I started reading this, and although it's extremely heart-wrenching, it's helping me to know that others are going through this.

I lost my mom to multiple myeloma (not to be mistaken with melanoma) cancer on August 5th, 2008. Since it happened two weeks ago the pain is still fresh. I have to say, life has been so strange lately. My two brothers, dad and I are just devastated by my mom's passing. It's always been the one death I feared my entire life... even more so than my own. I can't imagine how I'll ever get by in life, but I know that time will come some day. It's an empty and lonely feeling that just completely breaks my heart. Not to sound dramatic, but I literally feel like the world ended when my mom died, and I'm now living in some apocalyptic earth now. It's like I'm looking through a foggy lens or something.

But although I'm hurting, I'm happy my mom is no longer suffering. It was so hard seeing her in pain and getting poked & prodded and going through the illnesses and complications caused by the chemo, stem cell transplants and cancer itself these last 5 years (she was diagnosed Stage III in February 2003). She had been in and out of remission a couple times, but the cancer kept coming back even more aggressively. I think that was the hardest part during the five years... we would have hope, and then she was back in the hospital. And it just broke my heart to see her spirits broken every time the cancer returned. But she somehow always found it in herself to push through the treatments again.

This past July, I took my mother away on a trip up in the Smokey Mountains... just the two of us. Although she didn't have any indication of a relapse, something told me she was very sick. There were no signs. I guess I just had one of those mother/son intuition moments. The day after we returned, my mother was sort of paralyzed in her bed and couldn't get up. Even worse, she was incoherent and couldn't even respond to let us know if she was in pain or not. It was frightening. An ambulance rushed her to the hospital, and after several tests, we got the bad news from her primary oncologist that the cancer had reached it's terminal stage. I can't recall a time when I cried harder that that moment.

But still, we weren't sure if that meant 6-9 months or what because they had given her fluids, blood, etc. and she got her coherency back. A week passed and we were told that she had 3 weeks left. She actually only lasted a week and a half. That last week and a half will probably be the most painful days I will ever live through, and I probably will never fully be able to talk about it to anyone. Her decline was rapid... her strength immediately diminished, her kidneys completely shut down, she suffered through pain and discomfort, and the worst of it all, she quickly went into a state of incoherency again. The latter was the hardest, because I'll never know if she understood the good-byes and the words of love & care my brothers, dad and I gave her. It all happened so fast.

She eventually passed at a hospice. One of my brothers and I sat next to her bed and kissed and caressed her for two hours until the funeral home arrived to take her. That moment was the hardest good-bye.

I miss my mom terribly, and like someone else said, the pain seems to grow more and more every day. But it goes back and forth. I've basically cried enough to fill the Nile. But then there are days where I'm completely numb and I don't cry at all. I know I have a rough road ahead.

Amazingly, through all of that in these past 5 years, I never saw my mother complain once. Not for a second. So, she truly is an inspiration for how I'm going to live my life this day forward.
I am so sorry for your recent losses.. I am going on 3 months out from mom's passing and it still isn't any easier.. I still cry at least once a day and go to pick up the phone and call her. She was the most important person ever in my life.. She and my son had a grandma/grandson relationship that many could only dream of having... she was always our mom,dad and best friend.. she was a single mom that gave up everything for us kids.. she is and has always been my hero and now I have hero as an angel watching over me.. I sometimes can feel her with me when I do get sad and cry.. just a warmth that comes over as if she is hugging me. I still don't understand how her cancer got so bad so fast and reading her medical records there is so much that the hospital missed while she was there only 4 days before her death.. she was at a hospital that we have always sworn by but after all the stuff they missed and the treatment she received we will no longer use that hospital.. I feel they played a huge part in the death of my mother.. I honestly think it was her lack of oxygen that killed her not the cancer.. she was on 6 liters of oxygen in the hospital and was discharged with nothing but there is no sense rubbing salt in my wounds that can never be healed by spending years in court.

I hope someday I can find peace with losing my mom :angel:
I am soo sorry for everyone on here that has lost their mothers and also other family members. I lost my mother a year and a half ago. She died of a massive stroke at the age of 67. She was on life support for 3 days and then my sister and I took her off. When she passed, I opened the window of the hospital room and told her to fly away like the birds that she loved so much. When I was looking out the window, I swear that I felt her pass through me. It knocked out all of the breath from me, but I knew that she was gone and was flying towards the sun. My mother meant the world to me. We were best friends. She had recently bought me a new sofa with a hide-a-bed and was excited to come and visit and sleep on it. She even bought new sheets and told me that they were "her" sheets. But she never made it to my house. One of the hardest things was that I had to go and tell my grandmother that her daughter had passed. She replied "I bet that was the hardest thing you have ever done." It was. My grandmother is turning 99 in October. When I celebrate her birthday, I wish my mom was there also. This coming December I will be graduating from acupuncture school and I wish she would be there to see me get my diploma. I miss her soo incredibly much. There is not a day that goes by that I dont think about her. Life is truely precious. My niece just recently went into preterm labor and I have been asking my mom and God to watch over her and her yet to be born son. I hope she can hear me. I love you momma.
Hi my name is Linda, I know your pain my mom only got sick in april and she didnt get realy sick till july wen he ended up in hospital we were told it was arthrits and didnt know she was dieing of cancer til the day after she went to the er on july 12th she passed away July27th. I miss her so so muh it hurts so bad i keep thinking why did god take her from us se was our only parent and now its just my brother and me ad were not that close. I keep the cross from her coffin on my wall in my bedroom her roseary beads she held every day in the hospital for 2 weeks I have hanging on her picture in my bedroom I even keep some of her ashes and the dress she wore in the coffin in my bedroom just so I can feel like shes sort of there with me still. tomorrow will be 1 month since shes been gone I still cant believe it I still have to get her a stone for her grave Im even selling my home now just so I can buy another one that is in walking distance to the cematary she is in because where I live its hard to get to it I need her so bad we use to talk on the phone at least 5 times a day ever day and i would go there every day same as the hospital I was there every day with her and slept there the last 4 nights she had
Dear Linda,
I feel your pain. I am very sorry that your mother passed away. Luckily she didnt suffer for a very long period of time. What helps me is that I know when it is my time to pass, she will be waiting there for me with open arms. As time goes by, the pain does lessen a bit each day. I know it doesnt seem like this now, but it does. It doesnt ever go away, kind of comes in waves. Periods of good days, periods of bad days. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Many of us miss our mothers terribly. Just remember, she is watching over you. Prayers.
Dave
*sigh* I know. Im Jenn and im 15 years old. my mom died when i was 12 from lung cancer. my mom and dad were divorced, actually i didnt even know i had one till i was 6 and asked that question all parents hate to hear. "where dad?"
My dad didnt want anything to do with me either. he used my mom and i was a mistake. I wasnt even suppose to be here, but anyways, so i know what you feel. im going through that right now. i dont know how you've made it so far. im now living with my sister and her abusive fiance and..i dont have anywhere else i can go unless i go to be a foster child (no thanks!)
ive contemplated suiced so many times its not even funny. my whole family (aunts uncles, etc) all are gone except my dads side of the family, who ofcourse, i dont want anything to do with, and my sister and i are the only ones left. i hated my moms side of the family, and i recently found out she was an immigrant. so many things i found out, like how she had mpd. (multiple personality dissorder) and it just explains why whenever i would talk to her, she was always acting different. i recently wrote a paper on it and i got an A (YES! lol Im a sophmore now..) and i think the only thing that keeps me here is knowing that god is real. yeah, yeah, people will tell yo all this great stuff and they will force the religion on you..well, you know that old saying you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink it? yeah. its true. you and i know its true and I believe in god specifically because the night before my mom died, i prayed to him and told him to take her away. i told him to take her out of her missery already. i was sick of watching her sitting in her bed in the hospital with her head in outerspace and her whole body full of tumors, it was jsut too much. I know i might sound phony or something..but its true. and i miss my mom so much lately too, its not even funny. i dont know how to act. you know how your mom is suppose to be the one who teaches you to sit up straight and all those manners, or like when your in public and your chewing gum and your mom tells you to sit still and chew quietly? yeah, i never got any of that. i had to teach myself it. its kind of weird. i am told im more mature for my age than most. idk how, but somehow i am. respond to me if you wannt keep talking.
You are a very very strong woman...yes woman...not a girl anymore. I know how it feels when you are all alone. Like no one gives a shit. What I did was I started focusing on myself. Making myself the BEST person I could be. Fuck what everyone else is doing or saying. Today my 20 yr old niece had a baby 12 weeks premature. I asked my mom AND God to watch over them and to continue to watch over them. All is well for now, but I know it is in Gods hands.....period. Its hard to let go and let him take care of things, yes even when its not what we want sometimes. YOUR mother is watching over you and God also....guiding you when you dont even know it. Please believe in yourself(hello....you got an A on that paper)...be the best you can be. Learn to trust people. Make your OWN family...and family doesnt always have to be blood, they can be best friends, teachers, etc.,......people you have things in common with......like me. Take care and if you need to write/vent....I am here. Dave





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