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Grief & Loss Message Board

Grief & Loss Board Index


I am helping in the nursery at Jenny’s co-op on Wednesday for at least the next 6 weeks. In early afternoon, I get to watch the art teacher’s three little girls. The youngest is about 6 months old and just learning to roll over. The oldest is perhaps 4. They are precious. There are two other little babies there at the same time with their mothers. This week I got to hold the two youngest babies--it was so neat. Later in the afternoon, I get to take care of a little boy who is about a year old. He has spina bifida, but I noticed that he can move his legs a little and hopefully will walk one—perhaps with braces. His mom said that soon his doctor would fit him for braces. The last two weeks I have had to walk with him a lot to keep him happy, but he did better the second week. It was warm enough for me to take him outside one week and he enjoyed being out. I love children. Keeping them reminds me of when my children were small. I was so happy.

I cried this week when I saw Rascal Flatt’s video of “Skin” about a cancer patient who has lost her hair and it is time for the prom. Her boyfriend shaves his hair to show his support and love. The song says something about dancing around and around with her very first true love… How I wish that could have happened for Jason and that he could have recovered. I also cried when I read the beautiful poetry/prose that a lady posted on the neuroblastoma list. It is her husband who has suffered from that cancer for three years now. Her words touched my heart so and I wish that I could post them here, but they are her words and I haven’t asked permission, though I did thank her for saying what we all feel as we watch loved ones going through cancer and its treatment. Another child died this week—one who had Ewing’s sarcoma and had fought the battle for years. I don't know if I mentioned it, but Kevin, whose colon cancer came back a year ago and who has bravely struggled for a year--Kevin died on New Year's Day leaving his wife Linda and 5 children. Kevin was only 39 and his youngest child--a daughter is only 3. His youngest son is only 7. Two of his boys are teens--one has inherited the gene that will definitely cause him to have the same colon cancer that his dad had unless a large part of his colon is removed. He has one daughter in college. There were new children who have found the Rhabdo list, newly diagnosed. Since 250-350 children in the US are diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma each year, that means that between 500-700 children have been diagnosed with it since we found out that Jason had this cancer.

I think about Jason’s stone. It won’t be placed on his grave until spring. I think about going there and just laying on the ground and crying over his grave and talking to him, though he won’t hear me. It was too cold at Thanksgiving and at Christmas to stay there for very long—to just linger at his grave. My Jason is gone away from us, from me. I can’t touch him, hug him, talk to him. He is not here anymore. He’s in heaven— "a little while" before me like he said. I am so sad that he is gone. The loss seems to permeate my thoughts. I guess I just need to spend more time in God’s word and let his promises permeate my mind. After all Jason said, “I want to see you in heaven.”

Justin seems to have so little regard for spiritual things these days—he hasn’t been to church in weeks. He’s worked at Arby’s so long that he can have the hours he wants. So he can be off most weekends and yet he doesn’t go to church. He stays up late and sleeps in Sunday morning, and then, instead of Sunday night church, which is more geared to youth, he goes out with his friends skateboarding. In fact, all he wants to do is play Halo and skateboard. We don’t even see him very much either. He is working or out with friends.

It was somewhat encouraging -- a decision he made last week. There is a boy who used to come around a lot--Del. I don't like Del. He seems to be a people user and a troublemaker. He gets drunk and smokes. He can't drive right now because he was stopped for DUI. When he used to stay here at night, he would stay up all night on the computer when he promised he wouldn't and in the morning I found that he had watched pornographic videos on our family computer. That was the last time he spent the night. One night he showed up at 3:00 in the morning wanting to spend the night and Justin wasn't home--I ended up taking him to meet his dad at Kroger's at 3:30. He hadn't been here in months. I don't really want him around because he is a bad influence on Justin. Well Del came to visit Justin three days in a row last week. The last day he and his friend were trying to get Justin to go to a party downtown. Justin came to me and told me that he didn't want to go to the party. That there would be alcohol and drugs there. He wanted me to tell Del that he (Justin) had to babysit--he said that he had told him that as an excuse. Well, I wouldn't have lied for him, and Del never called to ask why Justin didn't come, so I didn't have to figure out what to say. Justin just wanted to hang out with his friend Josh. I am glad that Justin had no interest in going to a party like that. I wish that Justin would just speak up for himself and tell Del to not come around. If Del comes back we will tell him we don't want him coming around here and why.

Jason was very concerned about Justin and his choice of friends and activities—he spoke to his granny about it the weekend before he died and asked her to please talk to Justin. Justin has changed somewhat, but still his focus seems wrong, so please pray for him. Sometimes it takes the death of someone we love to get us back on the right road. I don't know why God took Jason away from us, but I know that Jason was a fine young man and I want to be a better person for having known him and having him in my life. In a way it took my brother's death for me to see the love of God and come to Him to be saved. Death makes us realize that this life won't last forever--we need to be prepared for eternity. I hope that Justin doesn't keep going down a wrong road away from God.

I heard a couple of new songs these past weeks. One of them is #1 on the country charts - "Let Jesus Take the Wheel" and it is really about letting Jesus have control of your life. It is neat that it is #1. Another song by Brad Paisley "When I Get Where I'm Going" is about heaven. It is hard though not to cry for loved ones who have gone on to heaven. We miss them so. Someday we will see Jason again, but it is hard to be here without them and missing them so. You can usually find song lyrics by just typing in the name of the song in quotes with the word lyrics outside the quotes and use about any common search engine if you want to see those lyrics.

Well, thanks for stopping by and thanks for thinking of us and praying. I hope you have a wonderful week. Every day is a blessing. I hope that God blesses you in a special way this week.

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