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Grief & Loss Message Board


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My father was absent my entire life save for a brief period in my early 20's when he and his wife tried to reach out to me and get me to know their young family.

It did not work out in the end and we lost contact again.

Fourteen years later, I'm 37 years old and get a telephone call out of the blue last week telling me that my father died. Of lung cancer. He probably knew for 2 years he was dying and NEVER BOTHERED TO CONTACT ME??? No one did. Not his sister, an "aunt" whom I believed cared enough to follow me through my mother over the years. Not ONE of my four half-siblings (now grown). NO ONE.


I wouldn't know today if it hadn't come to me purely by happenstance through the grapevine.

I feel -- devastated. Like I missed some "daddy" -- that up to last week I would have said unequivocably didn't exist anyway. I feel so rejected. How could he die and not care enough to look up his oldest child? Wouldn't the curiousity have gotten to him? Nothing?

I meant so little - yet it's tearing me up. I can't eat well. Sleep well. I'm obsessing. Replaying conversations in my mind. Over and over. What I should've, could've, would've done differently 14 years ago if only I'd known it would feel like this.

When does it get better if you can't have closure?
I just found this post and like many of you who have posted here, I just lost a man that I have always called my "Birth Father". I was adopted by my step father when I was 11 years old and had literally no contact with my birth father until I was 41 years old...then no cotact again until I was 46. I am now 52 years old. In August of this year, I was contacted by my Aunt and she said he didn't have long to live - cancer - so I went up to see him. There was going to be a family get together so I made a family tree canvas and asked everyone that was at the get together to put their finger print on it. My birth father loved it so much that he asked me to make him a larger version of the tree canvas for his viewing service. I made the tree canvas hoping it wouldn't be used anytime soon... but on Oct 14th I received the call that he passed. I put his name, date of birth and passing date on the canvas and drove the 9 hours to his home to take the family the tree canvas that he requested. His family (wife and two sons) were very nice. They offered to me one of the little laminated bookmarks of my birth fathers obituary. When I read it... I was confused and hurt to see that he didn't mention me (or my two sisters and brother - his children from his marriage to my Mom) at all. I'm having a hard time figuring out how I should feel. Maybe just feeling nothing is the feeling I should have. But there is the confusion too that I can't let go of. He asked me to do him a favor for his viewing service. I fullfilled his wishes. When I asked his sons (my half brothers) if they knew why four of his children were not mentioned in his obituary, they said he had written it that way and they wanted to keep his wishes. Any words of wisdom... thoughts or advise? I would really just like to stop thinking about this... but it keeps creeping back into my thoughts. Thanks for any responses!

[QUOTE=OldMXR;4919383]This thread is pretty old now but it fits my situation well. My dad left my mother, brother, sister & me shortly after I was born. When I was a teen I heard stories like infidelity and irresponsibility. For the first 5 years of my life I did not know what a father was. I would see him sometimes but I did not really understand who he was. Then when I was 5 my mother remarried and I grew up in a home with a great step dad. I would try to get to know my biological father several times throughout the years but I did not like him very much and I think he felt the same. I had a hard time respecting him though I always acted with respect towards him when I was in his presence. He said things to me like "your only here because your mom wanted you, I did not want anymore kids". Any type of relationship we may have had seemed like it would always have to be from my effort and never his. The last two years I got tired of the one sided nature of our weak realtionship after I called him on the phone and he told me he did not know who I was. Now I am nearly 50 years old. He died a few days ago. I feel sad. I could have tried harder but I chose not too. I miss him even though I did not like him very much and he did not like me. I loved him but I did not like him. Its very weird. I am typing this to help me work through my feelings.[/QUOTE]





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