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Grief & Loss Message Board

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My wife lost her brother on 1st of July and it is tearing me apart watching her grieve.

My wife is from the US, which meant getting her on the first possible flight out to the states to be with her family and for the funeral arrangements.

It turns out that although he may have died during a freak accident at home, his girlfriend at the time has suddenly got very cagey about events and has fled the area. She is also phoning and emailing his friends with different stories about the event, which is really not helping the family come to terms with their loss.

My wife's brother was 26, just 14 months younger than my wife and while she has other brothers and sisters through her parents' previous marriages, this was her only sibling. Of course, they didn't always get on well and last time they met at Christmas they parted under a cloud.

My wife has understandibly taken the loss of the brother badly, the only way I can describe it is that she is devestated. My wife has decided that she wants to move back to America and hook up with all her old school friends. She's even created a page to try and track them down. The upsetting thing about that is that while our children are mentioned on the website, I am not. There are pictures of the children on the website, but while we have loads of photos of us together, she hasn't and posted any photos of me. It wasn't until I pointed out that she had put her status down as [I]In a relationship[/I] instead of [I]Married[/I] that she changed it. It's almost as though I don't exsist anymore.

Since my wife got back to England, I feel she can't stand me being around her. I'm an affectionate person and before her brother died we would often sit on the sofa and cuddle while we watched TV and we got on like a house on fire. NOw, She barely likes me touching her and is always so closed off. I'm not alsking for anything more than to be able to hug her, kiss her forhead and to reassure her that I'm here for her, but I'm not allowed. More often than not, her arms are crossed, giving me the body language of stay away, whenever I try to comfort her.

It is so difficult to watch. I've never lost an immediate family member, so have no idea what she is going through, but I'm here for her. I love my wife with all my heart, but the beautiful, girl I kissed goodbye to at the airport isn't the same one I picked up two weeks later. I know things have changed in her life, but I really feel like I'm being pushed away from her life and feel very disposable as a result.

This whole situation is tearing me apart. I'm not eating properly, can't concentrate and just feel empty inside. I hate to think what my wife is going through.

If anybody has any advice on this subject, I'd love to hear it, no matter how small it seems. I'd be so appreciative.
This type of grieving process is going to last for many years! I know that sounds like a long time but it is not. I too lost a brother 1 yr older than me 4 yrs ago and I am still grieving that tragic loss. I have 6 other bro's and 4 sis's but that doesn't matter..a loss is a loss no matter how many siblings you have. Just encourage her to put her faith in God and He will see her through it. She will go through the up and down times, but that's normal. This type of healing just takes time. Though I still have my sad moments, most of the time I'm happy, even when I remember him in thought. It will be ok in time, just stay in prayer and comfort her as much as possible. Be a listerner and just let her talk. Sometimes talking about it helps more than we know! I will pray for her family, b/c this is definately a tragic and painful loss.

I also just lost my brother. I want to recoomend reading a book by TJ Wray about Sibling death. Unfortunately, I can't remember the exact title but it is a great help to me. It explains alot of what is happening and how to deal with things. So it is an important book for you both to read. Hang in there. Sibling grief is extremely hard.
Is there any chance she hooked up with an old boyfriend during her 2 weeks in the states---even in just an emotional sense? Any unusual emailing activity?

That being said, I lost my only sibling, a brother, 2.5 years ago. It was devastating and I can just now say I've resolved it in my head and my heart and have come to a place of acceptance. Losing a loved one, especially one who shared and shaped SO MUCH of your life is horrible. I found myself feeling guilty for eating delicious food, or laughing, or having fun for months afterward--because he could no longer do those things. Perhaps that is what is going on with your wife. Continue to be supportive, but aware of her actions as well. I find her rejection of you just a bit strange.

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