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Grief & Loss Message Board

Grief & Loss Board Index

In April 2002 my mom passed away suddenly. I had just spoken to her a couple of days earlier and she asked me to make her a promise about moving and I did. Then Sat morning my brother called and he wouldn't talk to me. When he insisted on talking to my husband I knew something was wrong. My dad was diabetic and had been in & out of hospital due to it. my first thought was my dad was in the hospital again. But then I heard my husband say "let me talk to your dad" and I knew my mom was gone. I don't even remember the 6 hour drive home or much of the next few days.

After her funeral my family went home and we prepared to move. We packed everything into storage and loaded our car with clothes and things for our daughter. Then we went to my dad's house and spent the next 6 weeks helping him go through my mom's stuff and then get moved into housing for handicapped. During that time my dad had surgery on both arms and I had to take care of him, even helping him eat and get dressed. Once he was settled into his new apt, my family get the promise I made to my mom and we moved to the neighboring state.

Less than 16 months after my mom passed away we lost my dad as well. During those 16 months I was calling my dad every couple of days and we visited him every couple weeks but it still seems like it wasn't enough.

My daughter was born on my parent's wedding anniversary and they were with me because my husband was an OTR truck driver at the time and was on his way back from CA when I went into labor. Then I lived with my parents while going to college and I helped take care of them. My mom had peripheral neuropathy and was almost always in pain. There is a piece of me that believes she hoarded her pain meds just to end the constant pain. I know one brother was buying pot and risking jail just so she wasn't hurting so bad all the time. Its so hard to see your mom go from a woman who gets on the floor playing with grand-kids to a woman who can't even feed herself in just a couple years.

These past few years have been so hard. It's hard to celebrate my daughter's birthday because it brings back memories of my parents. On their birthdays I am reduced to tears by the least little thing. I seldom watch TV or movies anymore because so much reminds me of my parents. There are even places that my husband goes out of his way to avoid when we are out in the car because they trigger memories and breakdowns. I tried to see a counselor but all she ever wanted to talk about was my self esteem and how I felt about myself. I tried to get her to understand that I feel good about who I am but I still can't get past my parents. On top of that I am dealing with losing custody of 2 sons in 1998 and the court has been convinced that it is not good for them to see me the way I am. So I have not even been able to write them and get a letter back since early 2005. Add to that the fact that for a few years I have been dealing with unknown health issues and fighting to get approved for disability. Some days I hurt so bad I can barely get out of bed. We finally got a diagnosis, after years of tests. I have fibromyalgia and that is what is causing all my physical problems. Some days I can't even wash dishes. Luckily my daughter is old enough that she doesn't need constant care from me. But deep down i am afraid of leaving my daughter and what it is doing to her to see me in pain and unable to do normal Mommy things.

My husband has great insurance, except when it comes to mental health. I get antidepressant from my regular dr but it is also because of scoliosis and the pain it causes in my legs when I sit down very long. But I can't get counseling and financially my family can't afford to pay for it. I'm also not good about telling a stranger how I feel but here is different, it's not face to face and that makes it easier. I know I need to move on but I can't get past my parents. Every one of my sibs has managed to move on except me. Growing up I was always "Miss fix everyone's problems/Miss responsible" and I continued that after I got married. I am the one everyone goes to when they have a problem. I was the one my parents relied on when they needed help, even when I lived on the other end of the state. Eve nnow in my own family, I am the "fixer". My husband works long hours at a physically demanding job. I take care of everything else. I can't ask him to take care of the house as well......

Thanks for letting me get my feelings out.

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