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Grief & Loss Message Board

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Kind of Lost!
Sep 30, 2006
Firstly I would like to say Hi! to everyone here and introduce myself! I am new and this is my first post!

I lost my wife in June of this year. We lived in the Americas but I moved back to the UK about six weeks after she passed away! I thought my family who live here would be good support as I wasn't eating or sleeping there!

Since I returned I think I am worse. My wife was ill for eight years but was always okay and even through the treatment she had over all those years she never complained and had a good quality of life.

I went to 99% of treatments with her and stayed at home with her for the last six years and yet for every second I spent away from her it haunts me with guilt! For every time I was a little moody or pulled my hand away when she wanted to hold it I feel bad. I have hundreds of notes telling me how much she loved me and I always reciprocated!

I can't get over the last weeks when she was in hospital most of the time and she asked me to ask the doctor things! I miss her so much I don't see much point to life without her but I am a responsible person and have two children whom I adore, my wife was quite young and the time we had together was too short. I realize that so many others have this pain and it is not unique to me.

It seems to me that my wife is in heaven and I am in my own version of hell! I have so many albums and videos and other things that were personal! I can't bear to throw even the smallest item of hers away!
I don't feel that this sorrow will ever go away, however I am wise enough to know it will ease with time. (Hope!) I just feel so alone no matter who is with me and I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.
Does anyone have any advice for me!

Thank you.
Re: Kind of Lost!
Oct 1, 2006
hello Iank
I am so sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your wife, it must be extremely difficult for you.
Yes a lot of us feel such consuming guilt after a loved one dies and I found myself doing the same after the death of my father. All the 'if only's' can wear you out and at the end of the day you are a human being who did your level best in this terrible prolonged situation.
A little tip that was given to me by a therapist, I know is to tell yourself that your negative feelings 'Serve No Useful Purpose'. Then when ever you are sinking into this mode, say 'SNUPS' to remind you of this. This can help you to focus on the things that you can change instead of dwelling on the things you cannot. It may take a little time before you are ready to do this. It is early days for you yet so please be kind and patient to yourself. You don't have to throw anything out that connects you to your wife. The grief will become manageable if you work at it and I hope you find some comfort in your family. If it helps, keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

Re: Kind of Lost!
Oct 1, 2006
hello iank im so sorry for the loss of your wife im glad that youve found the courage to come on this site,the people on this site are lovely and are of great support as we are all going through the same mum has lost 2 partners my real dad when i was 11 and now my stepdad of 18 years. she to feels lost and alone she can be with people but still feels very lost she doesnt know where her future is going. dont feel you have to get rid of any of your wifes things yet take your time it may be ages before you can do it but thats ok,try a self help group or even grief counselling this may help.its going to be hard for you and your chidren but they will need you as much as you need them. it does get easier but keep talking to people and get support from anywhere that helps you.hope this helps a little. keep posting to this site we are all here to help. you have friends here. thinking of you all langy x
Re: Kind of Lost!
Oct 1, 2006
Thank you very much for your sentiments and advice, you are all very kind! My sincere thoughts go out to you all for your loss too! There are days when I feel okay and think I am doing fine and the next minute I have tears running down my cheeks!
I am an artist so I paint and find it quite good therapy. I can relate to the feeling of having no motivation such as your mother ICC. I too feel like doing absolutely nothing at times which makes things worse through feeling that I am now lazy too! It's a strange life.

I do have one problem as to what I now believe in as well. Before we used to go to sleep either my wife or myself would offer their hand to the other to hold hands, I have found myself holding my hand out for some kind of sign. I know it may be crazy but that's how I feel.

I suppose the thought that is most in my mind is that "I want you to come back" I know it's not possible and of course I am relatively sane but I still think it.

I hope that everyone here finds some kind of peace and I am glad I joined as I think it helps knowing there are others like me and I am not alone!
Thank you!

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