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First time here....

I lost my Mom to cancer on Jan. 12 2006, I spent the last four days with her in the hospital day and night even though she was in a semi-coma I could'nt stand the thought of her being alone. It's been 10 months and I'm still haunted by those last few days and that look of death on her face after she went. I have no family now accept for an alcoholic brother who has'nt been any support, we were so close, she was like my best friend. I think about her a hundred times a day, I'm just dreading the thought of christmas coming and right after that the one year anniversary of her death. The year has been full of anxiety and depression. I try to stay positive by reading inspirational books and praying to God, but I feel if things get any tougher I won't make it, don't know what else to do. I thought joining this website would help being with people who understand.

Please respond.

Yours truly.

Bill J, Toronto, Canada
Hello Bill

I can understand what you have posted....i have also just losted my mum 4 weeks ago yesterday....and i have the image of her in my head also all the time...the whole time she was in hospital, i went up everyday apart from the vey odd afternoon when others where going or i had my children to sort or collect from school....i miss her so badly, my heart is also breaking..i feel lost although i have my own family its not the same as your mum..i know that sounds harsh but your mum is your mum died on 13th October...just about two weeks later it was her birthday and of course yesterday was 4 weeks to the calender month of her passing and as for christmas i don't even want to go there...although its everywhere at the moment...its just to much am in too too much pain....

Myself, dad and brother and sisters spent over 20 hours also at her bedside whilst she lay dying....that image is in my head escaping at the mo....

You take care...hope by knowing others feel the same pain helps in we can relate and understand it also...

Hello Meeshy

Thank you for your kind words and your quick response, My heart goes out to you as well, I remember how devastated I was the first month and the emptiness. I hope your Mom did'nt suffer. All I can say at this point is be kind and gentle with yourself and give yourself time to grieve, maybe find some good books on the subject and rely on your family to get you through. I'm sure your Mom is looking down on you and you can still tell her you love her. Take care for now.

God Bless

Bill J
Hi Bill I Am So Sorry For You Losing Your Mom To Just Read My Post I Can So Understand Your Feelings Kathryn Says I Have To Let Go Of My Guilt Because Of Me Being In The Hospital At The Same Time And That She Didnt Take Better Care Of Her Self Hand I Get Agravated At My Dad Because He Says Some Dumb Things Somtimes That Remind Me He Is Letting His Mouth Over Ride His Thinking Although I Love My Dad I Am Daddys Baby Girl Even Though Im Grown. I Dont Know What To Tell You Is Just Take Each Day As It Is Grive If You Feel Like It And Then The Next Day Try To Have A Better Day I Have My Good Days And My Bad Days Depends On How Stress Ful It Was At Work . I Will Add You To My Prayer List Every One Has Been Wonder Ful To Me On This Board Kathryn You Know You Are Special To Me Thank You Susan Kay
Hi Bill....I can relate also. My mom was in a coma for a week. It was pretty awfull. She developed pnuemonia and i had to listen to her gasping for breath as I held her hand for that week.. Her heart was what finally gave out after all that laboring. I was actually relieved when it was over...but then of course I started missing her so much. I also don't have much family left .. having lost my dad and brother..i have one brother left that I'm not close to. It's hard to lose that connection to family isn't it.? Realizing that you are basically alone now. That the one person you counted on for that unconditional love and support that only a mother can give is gone. My mom and i were close also. I'm so dreading the holidays this year..Even though for me it will be the 3rd Christmas and Thanksgiving without her. The holidays are always difficult. My heart goes out to you. Do you have a Hospice Light Up a Life ceremony around you.? I find it helps me to attend this ceremony that pays tribute to all of our lost loved ones . I see the faces of the people there and know that i am not alone in my feelings ...and it also honors the memory of my mom ,dad and brother. take care.....Kathryn

p.s...susankay .you almost made me cry with your kind words.. you are also special....Kathryn
I lost my mom Sept. 2005. I for a long time also vividly saw in my mind the last time Mom was living. I was so blessed that my dad called me early a.m. and told me the Dr. had stopped dialysis. I had 7 hours to drive. My mom waited until I got there and I was the one who told her it was ok to go to Jesus. I think we hang on to those visualizations as they are all we have left of them physically. I too miss my mom terribly. I'm going through physical health difficulties now and especially miss Mom's support to me. I have tried during the holidays to make special effort to go places or to do things that help me through the actual days. Like on Easter last year for some reason I was compelled to go visit Mom's old country church. Also, I was compelled last Christmas to make a special meal to show my thankfulness to my own family. It was a big deal for me. I wish you the best during your first Christmas without mom.

Barb 41 from South Dakota:angel:
I lost my Dad on January 28th, so it has been 10 months for me also, and do you know reading these posts makes me realise that i am very lucky. Dad didn't want anyone to be there at the end, but for 4 days every day i sat with him all day. I am glad he didnt want me to be there. I am also lucky because my Dad was able to pick where and when he wanted to pass - or at least that is how it seemed by the way he communicated to me, that gives me great comfort. He had fought parkinson's for nearly 30 years. I have a family who disowned him, but i loved him very much - he was a great Dad and a great inspiration, but it is lonely when you can't share thoughts and feelings with the people that are supposed to care. You are not alone and this board is a great place to share your feelings as we all understand :angel:
Hi Susan.

Thank you for your reply, my condolences go out to you as well, it's comforting to know there are people out there who understand. I can relate to the feelings of guilt. I seem to replay situations over in my mind thinking maybe I should have done somethings differently. As I sit at work the anxiety gets pretty bad in the afternoons and have to try and function normally. I'm glad you still have your dad and that you love him, thank you again for the reply it was very comforting.

God Bless

Bill J. Toronto, Canada
Hi Kathryn

My blessings go out to you. My Mom also developed fluid on the lungs and I remember sitting there for ours listining to the gurgling and just wanting it to end and feeling tremendous guilt for thinking that way. Thank you for your suggestions about the holidays I plan on getting up christmas morning and going down to help feed the homeless but dread opening my eyes that morning all the same. But I will check and see if there is a Hospice Service. Thank you again for your reply and God Bless.

Bill J. Toronto, Canada
Hi Barb

Thank you for your reply, my heart goes out to you and sorry to hear that your physical problems, all the best. I'm a new christain (1yr.) and my Mom never attended church but I did manage to get her to a church service at my church and she went up for prayers and accepted Christ and I'm sure she's in heaven. She was a good person and spent her whole life helping people less fortunate then she was a good example of what humanity should be like. Thank you again and God Bless you.

Bill J. Toronto, Canada
Working with the less fortunate is a great way to forget your own troubles for awhile. I think that's wonderfull. And I'm sure your mom would be proud of you for doing that. take care Bill,..... Kathryn
hi kathryn my sister called me from cail. today for my birthday and she told me something funny and you would have to know my mom to appeciate this barbara told me that at the burial she was talking to one of our aunts and she said that the night after mom passed she said mom came to her in a dream and my uncle neal [one of daddys brothers who passed due to complications from triple? bypass surgery about 2 years ago.] he was a big camping fan every chance he got he and his family were camping and every oct. daddys brothers and family met down at black lake [ it is in jamestown in webster parish about 45 min. to and hour from were i am in haughton] they do it every oct.3rd. any way mom was not a camping fan and she said that uncle neal met mom at the pearly gates when she got to heaven and the first thing she said to him was ;figures i would met you here and some thing else im not going camping' when barbara told me that i just laughed and laughed i can just see my mom with her hand on her hip and pointing her finger at uncle neal telling that . barbara said that it might help me when i get down. i had a good birthday my friends from work snuck me out last night and took me to olive garden to eat and then brought me right home one of our door greeters gave me 10.00 and one of our other door greeters gave me 5 porciln kittens and they have oriental signs on them that our for good luck. so i have them in my living room on my entertainment center. and my son and daughter inlaw[heather] are taking me to red lobster to eat and a present to how about that my test results were neg.for mono just this upper res. invefection i cant get rid of. so i well come right home and go to bed and take my meds. and dr. mike has me off for tommorrow and friday so i have my excuse turned in and my time in so i will get paid for it. so it had been a good day even though i miss mom its been o.k. 2 of my friends called to say happy birthday and the guy i used to date but still talk to [ he is in tenn. ] he called to tell me . so i will enjoy tonight and remember momis with me thanks kathyn love you susan kay:)
Hi Bill and Everyone else,
all of the post here have brought tears to my eyes. I lost my mother Sept. 2004. For the first few months all I could remember of her were those last moments. Sometimes I am still haunted by the look of death on her face. I lost her when i was 30 and I am an only child. Some holidays are good for me and others are bad. Lately I have been crying because I feel so alone. I have a 7-year old but I have no support system what-so-ever. My mother was it. My bestfriend got mad at me because I was venting and she took it as I was yelling at her. Another friend told me that "she understands" about losing a mother. She still has a mother, grandmother and aunt that she is close too! I was very offended by her statement. The only person that truly loved, accepted and cared for me was my mama. And now she is gone. I don't know what to do. I miss her so much and it's hard dealing with all of these emotions.

Thanks for letting me vent.
tahsa you are in the right place let it out tell us how you feel and we will be there for you long distance all over the world every one here has just been awsome to me kathryn bill lobo everyone i am still sick with this upper res. invection/ broncitus stuff that i have had since mom passed sept.28th and i was in the hospital at the same time so do not hesitate to express your self we are here for you o.k. and tell us about your son mine 26 and will be married 5 years dec.1rst but he is still my baby and works for tristate elec. and graduates in may with his elec, lic. so i am a proud mom my dad lives next door brother down the road on our property and sister incail. so you just talk as much as as i do and we will listen and respond o.k.?:)
just like you guyzz i also lost my grandmother 3 weeks ago. she's 94 years old and is AD positive. for 2 weeks that' she's in bed, i already have this feeling that she'll be gone soon. two nights before her death, she ask me to sing her a song. i did and i did'nt know that it was her last request from me. everytime i'll remember that moment i can't help but cry. I really miss her. i want to hold her hand again, hug her and tell her i love her.

for the past week, i've been having this nightmares.
when i was a little girl everytime that I'll have a nightmare and wake up with my grams by my side every fear brought about by my dream just go away then i'll just go to sleep again. but this past days, waking up in a bad dream is like hell for me. the feeling of loneliness and that she's no longer by my side makes me more upset.

i really miss my grams.
to grlw/noname..I'm pretty sure your grandma is still with you. you can still talk to her and tell her about your nightmares. I talk to my mom all the time. I know she is still listening.....

I'm so glad you had such a nice birthday susankay. It sounds like you have a lot of nice co-workers. I hope you are feeling better.

I feel very badly for those of you that are out there and going through this alone. Have you thought about a Hospice support group? At least you would be able to let your grief out among other people who understand and are also going through the same thing. Kind of like this board. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. Hang in will get easier. It's been 3 years for me. The pain of missing them will always be with me ..but it does get easier to bear ...
hi im sorry you lost your grand mother i lost mine when i was pregent whith rusty at 5 months. i remember she made the best bananna pudding and even though you my have just eaten you had to sit down and eat at mammaws house i remember when i was little pappaw would put me on his road grader because he worked for the highway dept,. at that time. you kow right before mom died i had mammaw was on my mind a lot i just really thought about that. weird huh? i hope your night meres go away soon. may be you could say good night to her before you turn out the light. then mom has just passd sept. 28 so i hope you feel better let this board help you .:) susan kay
I know exactly how you feel right now. I lost my mom to cancer in August 1996. I dreaded that first Christmas "without her", I ended up sleeping through Christmas & New Years Day so I did'nt have to think about it. My Dad & i were'nt getting along anymore, so I felt alone all the time. No support at all. I moved out & did'nt see him for 3 years. Every year since she died, it's been hard. All I can do is just go to sleep during the holidays since there was no supportive family members. One day, i decided to help feed the homeless, so i volunteered at the Homeless Shelter for Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years. That really help keep me busy & made me feel better.

It's been 10 years now, I feel that I've recovered from this. It took awhile, but I still miss her.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you! I losy my Dad on April 1, 2004, lost my oldest sister November 29, 2004, then my brother-in-law who was my sisters husband that passed away in November, he died 75 days after my sister died and then I just lost my Mom on March 28, 2006. I miss my Mama more than anything. She was my nest friend. I could talk to her about anyhting and she was always there. She died from COPD and she was living with me and Hospice was coming out also and she passed away in her hospital bed in my livingroom and she was gasping for her breath and I bent down and took her in my arms and told her how much I loved her and that if she was ready to go be with Daddy and my Sister to go on and that we would see her again. She drawd 2 more breaths and she was gone. It is hard to look over at the spot that her bed was set up at in my livingroom and to remember that that was where I got to talk to her last. But she knew I loved her with all my heart and I just keep telling my self I will see them again someday.

Bill I hope you get to feeling better. Try and talk to someone and get it out. Don't hold it in. We are all here for you.

God Bless You!
Hi Bill(and everyone else),

Today my Mom would have been 67. She died in june 2003 of cancer and blood clots on the lungs. I miss my Mom too, but I can assure you that it DOES get better with time. A customer of mine told me that about a week after Mom had passed, and it was hard to believe back then. What keeps me from being sad are the memories of the good times.

I haven't always been so at ease with my Mom's death. Up until 2 days ago, I would see "old women" walking in the store or driving down the street and I would get angry. Why should THEY be alive and my Mom who I miss so much be gone, at such a young age. I mean, there are 90 year old women out there - so why couldn't God take THEM instead of my Mom????

What I realized as I walked out of a CVS store and passed an older lady on the sidewalk was that these women are here because God sends them across my path to remind me of my Mom. They remind me to pray and be thankful that Mom is up in heaven, happy and well and pain-free and warm - she is up there keeping watch over us with Jesus. They remind me to pray that the kids and grandkids of these women appreciate them and realize how lucky they are. They remind me to be thankful for what I DO have - the friends that are irreplaceable, loved ones, health.

It has only been a couple of days since I "figured this out" so I have a lot of work to do so that I am not angry that Mom is gone. But I can tell you it has already made a HUGE difference in how I look at these "angels" God has sent me. It will get better with time.

By the way, in case you do not know - Mom also sends me pennies from heaven - so when you see a penny lying randomly on the ground - pick it up - for that is your Mother letting you know that all is well and that everything is going to be ok. When you are having an especially tough day - you will find a penny and know this is true. You will think of your Mom, and voila! A penny will appear, because she is with you always.

It just so happened that on my way IN to the CVS that same day, I saw a penny on the ground. (I used to pick the pennies up when I found them. I had the biggest stack of pennies accumulated over the last 3 years - you would just not believe it! I no longer pick up these pennies - I just know it is Mom. Instead, I leave them for the next person to see the miracle of pennies from heaven.)

Keep praying, BIll, and I promise, it will get better. You will see your Mom in everyday things. Those are the things you will treasure and hold onto. Those are good things, and I wish many of those reminders for you.

God bless you.
Dear Jan

Thank you for reply and kind words, I'm sorry for your losses as well. I was living with my Mom as well and I'm glad I was able to be there with her but like you every time I walk into the livingroom I look over at her spot and think of her. I basically live between my bedroom and the kitchen as I'm not able to make that my livingroom yet and her bedroom is pretty much untouched accept for the odd dusting. people tell me I should do something with the room but I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. I wish you all the best on your journey through this and I thank you again for responding to my letter.

God Bless You.

Bill J. Toronto, Canada
Dear Jo

Thank you for your encouraging words, my Mom would have been 67 last March she had also developed fluid on the lungs and it was hard sitting there in the hospital listening to her breath and not being able to do anything about it. I try to remember the good times but right now they seem to get pushed aside by how much she suffered and how brave she was through the whole thing (3 1/2 yrs.). Thank you for reminding me like your Mom she is up in heaven with Jesus and not suffering or worrying anymore and every time I see a penny on the ground I will pick it up and tell her I love her. My eyes are welling up with tears as I am writing this but I know it is part of the healing process. Thank you again for reply and all the best.

God Bless You

Bill J. Toronto, Canada
[QUOTE=Bill J]First time here....

I lost my Mom to cancer on Jan. 12 2006, I spent the last four days with her in the hospital day and night even though she was in a semi-coma I could'nt stand the thought of her being alone. It's been 10 months and I'm still haunted by those last few days and that look of death on her face after she went. I have no family now accept for an alcoholic brother who has'nt been any support, we were so close, she was like my best friend. I think about her a hundred times a day, I'm just dreading the thought of christmas coming and right after that the one year anniversary of her death. The year has been full of anxiety and depression. I try to stay positive by reading inspirational books and praying to God, but I feel if things get any tougher I won't make it, don't know what else to do. I thought joining this website would help being with people who understand.

Please respond.

Yours truly.

Bill J, Toronto, Canada[/QUOTE]
Dear Bill,

I lost my mom on Jan 10, 2006 to cancer. We (my dad and I )spent the entire Thanksgiving weekend in the emergency room and the hospital. It was the beginning of the end for my mom. I am so sad today, I can barely function. We were able to get her home for Christmas eve day, but she was very sick. I have never felt such pain and still cry everyday. My mom and I were very close and I miss her more than words. I can only feel complete sadness for these holidays, they only bring reminders of how sad last year was.

No one seems to understand, all my friends have had losses but not so recently. I have looked for support groups to be with others who can understand, but to date have been unsucessful. So I am giving this a try. I will have you in my thoughts this holiday weekend and believe me I so understand your pain..

Keep well, I just keep telling myself my mom wants me to be ok. Sometimes it helps.....

Pat A.
Dear Pat

I truly understand your pain, my Mom was home for the holidays last year but I had to take her to emergency 3 days later and from there she went into palliative care but I thought she would be coming home again. You have my deepest sympathys, I was also very close to my mom she was like my best friend and I'm not looking forward to this christmas.

I plan on trying to keep busy christmas morning by going down to help feed the homeless christmas morning. I'm also new to this website and have found the replies compassionate and understanding, I have'nt joined any groups but feel this is a step in the right direction. I hope you keep writing into this website and I will reply so will other people. I will keep you in my prayers. All the best.

God Bless

Bill J
Dear Bill J, I lost my mom in July of this year after a short-hard bout with small cell lung cancer-it's hard for me already - esp on this our first holiday without her. My entire family knows how hard this is gonna be-but we're all here for each other-to laugh-cry over the past and think positive on the future. We lost our dad about 15 yrs ago to the same-but that was easier for me to get through-our mom was the strength of our family-you'd go to her for information on any upcoming events. She'd always send you a b-day card so you'd get it ON your b-day! I was living with her-it was really hard for me-I'd be caring for her 24/7 - it was hard-everyone in my family helped-all my sis/bro would take her to her treatments-and I'd have time to myself-to run errands. We called on Hospice-and they were fabulous!! They were on call 24/7 and helped us get through this. I'm just trying to think positive-on everything...we'll get through this!! (((hug))) Cher
Dear Cher

Thank you for your reply, my heart goes out to you and your recent loss, I'm not looking forward to this first holiday without out my Mom either, my birthday was really hard. I lost my dad 20 years ago this dec. but my Mom and I were each others pillar of strength. I have two Brothers who were no support at all so I was left to do most of the care giving and work full time and that was really hard. Thank God her friend was able to make most of the trips to the hospital with her for her treatments as I had used most of my vacation and sick days for the last 3 years.I read alot of positive self-help books but it's hard when you're depressed all the time. I'm glad I found this web-site and I wish you all the best in recovering from your loss. Hope to hear from you again. Take care of yourself.

God Bless

Bill J
Bill J, Hope this Thanksgiving went good for you. I have to admit it was different w/o our mom there. Everyone seemed to be can I say this - quite's not the word-maybe cautious-mom was talked of just a little-which surprised me. The day good-food was great and all the kids had fun. Thanks for the message you left. Cher
well i am going to try this again im having problems posting what i have typed all i want to say is thanksgiving wasnt easy. daddy and i eat at barnhills and then we went to moms grave and daddy saw the head stone. its a bronze color and it has all of moms dates on it and dadys birthdate on the other side and it has a dove on it and it has wrote on it ;together forever' i got some flowers red velvet roses and some white flowers to and put them on it dady and i cryed. and today i stpped and took pictures of it. for my sister to have a couple .well must check my post on the heart disorders and check my e/mails to yall write me back. thanks susan kay
Well thank goodness Thanksgiving is over. It was a hard one this year. Even though it's been 3 years for me ,holidays are always difficult. Especially Thanksgiving as we always had it at my moms.'s nice that you went to the cemetary with your Dad. I went to the cemetary on the 18th as that was the anniversary death date of both my mom and brother. I rarely go to the cemetary ,but it was nice to bring some flowers for my mom ,dad ,and brother,and spend some time in reflection.The cemetary is beautifull. Right across the street from the ocean ,and it was a gorgeous sunny day .A good friend that passed from breast cancer is also right near my family's graves , so i was also able to "visit' her.

when I read Jo's post on the anger and resentment she felt toward older women I could totally relate to that. Not with my mom so much,but that's how I felt when my Dad passed. His loss was my first experience with grief ,and anger was a big part of it. Luckily I recognized that that wasn't a very healthy reaction ,although one of the stages of grief I I knew that I needed help when I couldn't get past it. Not being a religious person ,I decided to explore my own spirituallity and found a church that fit me.( Unity). I found that having that spiritual base helped tremendously with dealing with the loss of my mom.

so now it's on to Christmas.....Hang in there everyone.....
Hi Bill and all, I know just how you feel I lost my mum 10 months ago, on the 2nd feb 06.

She was 61 years old, and my best friend, I still cry for my mum my dear angel, she used to call me her angel 1&2, I was angel 1 for her house phone number and angel 2 for my mobile number on her mobile phone.

I have lots of things with angel on that my mum gave me over the years, I am lucky to have them but I want my dear mum!!

I have a very anxious personality and have real bad health anxiety, like my dear mum I also have a underactive thyroid, I have been in pain everyday for 11 months with pain under my ribs I have had lots of tests that have come back ok!!

I have been told that I have autoimmune ovarian failure (early menopause) I am 41 years old.

I do have inflammation of the duodemum, all this started when I lost my dear mum.
I lost my dad 7 years ago to bowel cancer he was also 61 years old, it will be his birthday tomorrow 27th nov bless him.

I like you all feel so alone some days, I pray that we all get by this christmas with not to many tears, some how I think we will all have some for now dear mums and dads.

Bill like you I am a new christian, I started going to church in april with my husband we went on a alpha course, I have made some lovely friend and I think it makes you a better person.... God Bless you all.... Mandy
kathryn i know thanksgiving was ard. then i had the day after thing at my store[walmart] oh joy what fun that was. and people buying christmas stuff. my daughter in law wants us to go christmas shopping. i really dont want to go nor do i want to buy any thing get some gift cards and be done with it is just fine with me and skip the holiday. how am i going to get thru this whendaddy dosent even want to talk about it. he has cleaned just about every thing in the kitchen i come in from work to day and he is cleaning out the hutch cabinit.momhas cabinits all around the kitchen and daddy has not stopped since mom died.he is staying overly busy.and when christmas music comes on the radio i started up again on the way to work tis morning and messed up my make up before i even got there. can we just skip christmas? susan kay
Hi Susan Kay-you know as far as your dad-this may be his way of getting through this. I know after our mom passed away in July of this year it was about 3-4 weeks and we began to pack up her clothes-donated them to a charity. And slowly began to packup things for a sale we had back in sept. It was hard but it had to be done. We haven't put the house up for sale yet. I'm living in the house for a while-it's qiuet. Thanksgiving was quiet-not all the family was here-some were out of state. We'll have a 'progressive' xmas party in a few weeks-something our mom started years ago-it's fun -esp for the's their day to get presents-have fun-and we all plan on looking at all the photos we found packed up in boxes. Think positive and you can get through this. Cher
Hi Everyone.

My heart goes out to all of you, and it's comforting to read your replies. I had dream about my Mom the other night. She knocked on my bedroom door and when I opened it she was standing there and she had all her hair, I just grabbed her and hugged her and started sobbing uncontrollably and she just chuckled and said "listen to you" as if she was saying thre's nothing to cry about. I did'nt want to let her go because I knew if I did she would be gone. then I woke up and I was clenching my chest. Today has been terribly painful I've been having bad anxiety and depression at work and I've just felt like crying all day thinking about christmas coming. I know it's only one day at a time but today has been a tough one.

God Bless You all and take care.

Bill J
:) 2 months today. i just told daddy well we didnt cry today. he oh no we are going to be o.k. my aunt lanita has come and got some of her clothes. and shoes that was 2 weeks ago. but the chvaro still has clothes in it daddy told me to get what sweathers i wanted and i found a sky blue one i can were to work or when i am out. i ask daddy if he was going to keep the blankets and he said yes i told him good i was hoping he was. this is off the subjust but i stepped on to my poarch last night and there was 2 raccons that had been coming in the spring their moma brought them when they were born they were so little 5 baby possems but 2 of them came last night they were so big. i just stood there. then they ran up the porch railing when they saw me but they had a hard time because they have gotten so big. thats somthing i would go tell mom when they came up. tonight i have cookies/sardiens and water and kiity food i hope they come back and i can take pictures of them . i think it is theriputic for me to enjoy watching them. but he is still cleaning o.h. guess what i found well daddy gave it to me i got her fudge resipe and her cookies and i hope the hello dolly one is in there to. when i try to make fudge it is just maybe with hers it will help. well let me go see if they have come up yet. yall write back . it is unseanonly warm here tonight.
hi well my dad is in the anger stage i tried to ask him about christmas because my daughter in law ask me to and he said no get to toeghers no one coming to the house he is going to buy something for my son /heather [daughter in law] and me my brother and sister in law will be in san antonio with her daughter and christmas will be that much more sad around here. man i hate this mom held everything thing together nohing is ever going to be the same. it is so depressing around here. i will be working till 6'00p.m. because thats when we close christmas eve and then we will be closed christmas day. i wont be home until at least 7;00p.m. christmas eve its just going to be auful. i miss my mom so much.susan kay
my sympathies goes out to all. i too have lost my mum to a very aggressive cancer, earlier this year on the 1st of september. nothing is the same. i don't know about you but people always tell me that life goes on. but i totally disagree with that! people who have lost a loved one. life doesn't go on. it stops. and we must slowly create a new life without that person by our sides. i seem to recall in my family, mum was always the one to start nagging at me or my sisters or my dad. and as strange as it sounds especially coming from a 19 year old teenage i really miss that.
i can relate to what you said about the 'look of death', with my mum she's passed away peacefully but it was scary in a way that i have night mares of her in that way.even if i have my sisters and dad still around and living with them under the same roof i also feel alone.
i guess the thing is to draw strenght from people (or things if any of you are materialistic) who won't judge you and won't make you feel more worthless.
with my family and this includes my aunts and uncles, when i approach them they either tell me what to feel or they start to swear because well i don't know why.
i guess what we need to rememebr is that there is someone out there, no offence or anything, but even though they will never be as comforting as a mother;s shoulder there is someone there to listen and comfort.
'smile, for we walked together for a little while'. i quoted this in my mum's eulogy. i guess thats all we can do. because each as an individual have their own personal memories with their mother.
i hope all you do find the strenght to carry on. its is difficult i know and there are times when you want to just give up but we know/hope that our mothers are looking down on us each step we take and thru each one of us she'll want us to succeed in what she failed to do.
take care tto all
Hi Bill,

How are you this Christmas? I hope you made it through o.k.

I'm just amazed reading this posts. My mom also died Jan 28th '06 of cancer. Your stories all sound so familiar. My mom went into the hospital the week before Christmas '05 and stayed there until her passing. It isn't just he holidays that have me is remembering all the pain and suffering she endured around this time last year. Cancer is such a cruel disease.

I hurt so much for my dad. They were married over 40 years. Watching him in pain has me reliving everything constantly.

I'm glad to know I am not the only one having "issues." Everyone around me expects to just go on as usual.

Anyway..take care everyone.
Hi Bill,

Well I wanted to check in and see how you are doing? I have been reading the post and seen that you say that there are days that your in so much pain and in a bad depression and that it's hard to keep going on like that. I know the feeling myself. There are days that I do pretty good, and then it hits me like a ton of bricks and all I want to do is cry. But you know Bill I have noticed that after I do have a good ole crying spell, then I feel much better then. You mentioned your dream about her and I wanted to tell you that I also have been having a lot of dreams about my Mom. What is so strange though is I never did dream about my Daddy or my Sister until after my Mama died and when I had my dream, they all three were in it. I was sound a sleep and this dream woke me up and I ws crying so hard and the kneck of my night gown was soaking wet. I must of been trying to get to them or something because I can't figure out why I did like that.

Christmas was very, very hard on me and I am sure it was for the rest of you too! I stopped by the Cemetary and it was pouring down raining and I just stood out there at my Mama and Daddy's grave telling them Merry Christmas and that I loved them so much and how much I missed them. I got back in the car and cried and cried and then I felt better.

Bill did you go help feed the homeless people. I was wondering if you did and maybe got things off your mind for a while and was hoping that just maybe you felt better for a while at least.

God Bless You and I hope you feel better! I'm glad that you have continued coming back to this board because it does help to talk to people thats been through the same thing you have.

Take care Bill,
Dear Jan,

Thank you for your post, it really picks me up when I read a reponse. I had a quiet christmas with just me and my brother, unfortunately I've had the flu for the last few days so I was't able to go down to feed the homeless but it was nice and relaxing but as far as christmas it just felt like another day, I made a huge pot of chicken soup and that was about it. My dad passed away 20 years ago dec. 9 and I would like to share with you a couple of the dreams I had from him, I know they were directly from heaven because of they were so full of peace and love and he was happier then I'd ever known him to be. I hope your feeling better today and want to thank you for sharing with me and your encouraging words.

God Bless You and take care.

Bill-Sorry to hear you weren't feeling good-hope the chicken soup helped... Christmas was good-I went to a sisters for Christmas Eve-we had dinner @ her in-laws and went to a 10 pm mass at a local church. The thing that was hard was a choir was singing 'Drummer Boy' as we were walking in and about 5-6 more times b4 the mass! That was mom's favorite song-and she asked my brother to sing it at her service! Both my sister and I cried as that song was at the Christmas mass! Then all of my sisters/brother and I got together for Christmas-was different w/o mom-but we made it! Hope you're feeling better! Cherie
duplicate response
Dear Cher,

I'm happy to hear you had a good christmas, The Little Drummer Boy was one of my Mom's favorite christmas songs too, I watched it 3 times in one night on DVD this year. Christmas day wasn't as tough as I thought it was going to be I think I had done enough grieving these last few weeks to make up for it. It will be the one year anniversary of her death on Jan. 12 and I'm not sure how that's going to go, I hear people say the first year is the hardest but I don't think you can put these things into time frames as everyone is different and I'm sure I'll miss her just as much next christmas if not more but I'll deal with that when the time comes.

Wishing you all peaceful holidays

Bill J

I sure hate to hear that you were sick Christmas. But at least you and your brother was together and you know that your Mother was happy that you two were together. How are you feeling now? Do you still have the flu, or is it getting better. I went and had my flu shot and so far it hasn't hit me yet and i sure hope that it doesn't either.
Well it's good to hear from you again! Take care of your self and God Bless You and your brother also.

hi i got one for you my sister in law called me last night and told me that mom came to her in a dream and told her to tell me to be nice. i am nice most of the time i am to nice. and unless it is on a bad day or you wake me up. or i am hungry or im tired i guess i need to be nice. sounds like its most of the time. me ? be nice? dont have the time. mom would want me to but not to nice . cant people see you as a push over and you have to be strong how do you think i have lasted at walmart for 17 years. talk to you later susan kay
:D Susan I would tell the sister-in-law that she got the dream wrong, that your Mom was telling her she better be nice to you!:) I think that lady knows how to push your buttons and thats what she is doing. I have talked to you on this board and you seem to be a very sweet Lady. You know Susan, you have helped me out so much talking to me about the loss of my Mama and I really don't know what would of happened to me if it wasn't for you talking to me and the kind and caring words you have said to me. I wish that everyone in this world was as nice as you. I don't know you, but someday when I ever get the chance I am gonna visit you in LA. You know thats the way I met my best friend was on a message board and we have been very good friends now for 6 years. But now I am like you, I am not a happy camper if someone wakes me up and my sister is the worlds worst at doing that. As far as I am concerned she could stay at home which is across the street from me. She is the one that give me all the trouble when my Mama died and we needed money to put with the policy that Mama had on her self and do you think my sister or my brother helped me out?NO they didn't, and I am the one that has to live month to month on Social Security Disability because of back problems. But go figure, thats always the way it turns out but I don't regret one penny I had to pay to bury my Mama because I loved her that much.

How was work today? Guess your tired and ready for bed huh?

Take care.

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