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Grief & Loss Message Board

Grief & Loss Board Index

I just found this site and after reading several of the postings, I think this might be helpful for me too. I don't really know where to begin, but to put it in a nut shell, in the past few years, I lost my father inlaw, mother inlaw, younger brother inlaw and most recently my mother. I had the honor of taking care of my mother inlaw and my mother in their homes with hospice. Being a nurse, it was the only way they could have come home. I thought I was dealing with all of these loses okay, I handled every conceivable detail that was needed and threw myself into work to keep my sanity.

Working in a hospital, I see suffering and death every day. At some point in the last several months, I've started to take anything less than "the best care" personally. My reactions to issues were much stronger and more emotional than my norm. The final straw was 2 weeks ago when 1st a good friend and colleague lost her father and then another colleague's son died in Iraq. Wanting to be a good friend and supporter I went to both funerals. The last one, that of a young man I had never met, but had mailed care packages to sent me into complete melt down. I sobbed as if it were my child and had difficulty composing myself. I must say, that I didn't react this strongly to any of my family loses, which really scared me. After the funeral, I went back to work and had to meet with an employee who was on leave due to her son committing suicide - another gut wrenching experience. Then to top it off one of my staff was making comments heard by me within earshot of a patient. I was furious that this person could be so unprofessional and insensitive. I spent the weekend fuming over this and decided to "write her up." While I had calmed down, the tone of the discipline apparently struck a nerve with my boss and HR. (I sent them the documentation to review before I met with the employee.)

The bottomline, was they (my boss and my HR director) called me in and said they were worried about me and that I needed to see someone. I spent the weekend beating myself up really well. I reran every action/reaction over and over again. On Monday this past week I went to work as usual and my HR director came to see me and said they wanted me to take the week off and see someone. I was crushed, but had determined over the weekend that I really hadn't dealt with all of the losses both personal and professional. I felt guilty, ashamed and lost. I was fortunate to get into to see a therapist whom I immediately clicked with on Tuesday and again on Thursday. My emotions have been on a real roller coaster. There are so many other things that have added to this situation but the worst is my husband who is still grieving his losses. Not meaning to be "mean" he has said numerous times when I was having a bad day, that even though I lost my mom, I still could pick up the phone and call my sister - - he doesn't have anyone left. I'm beginning to understand that this is not a contest.

I go back to work tomorrow and I'm anxious about it. I know how lucky I am to have people who care about me enough to "force" me to address all of this. I'm not used to being taken care of or after - - that's what I do, so this is really hard to accept. I have been trying to decide how to pay tribute to my mom (her birthday would have been tomorrow) and decided to put this posting together. I'm not going to reread or try to edit it, because I would probably delete it all. I have a long way to go.

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