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Grief & Loss Message Board

Grief & Loss Board Index

Everynow and then when I stop by here to visit old friends on the lung cancer board I scan A few other boards so came across Piper's post. I lost my mom to lung cancer in Nov. 2006 after a 2.5 yr battle.

I do think there is often some guilt involved with grief as for some reason we think we should be sitting and crying 24/7 and when it isn't that way we feel some guilt. The day after my mom died I was finding myself more relieved then anything and just not feeling how I had expected to feel and I felt guilty until one of my sister's admitted to feeling the same way. I think I expected my world to fall apart upon her death but instead found that life just goes on.

At first it felt like she had gone on a trip and would be back so while I did miss her I think I let myself think she would be back. Now enough time has passed that the empty feeling has set in and while I do not spend hours crying I do often feel empty like I am just going through the motions of life. There are times when things do make me cry as they bring back memories . Holidays are hard too as my mom so loved holidays and made them special.

I have found the past 8 months to be easier by thinking about what I had instead of what I lost. My mom was a wonderful. loving person and I was so blessed to have her as there are so many people that do not have a mother like that. I also find myself very grateful that life happened as it was suppose too in my case meaning all 4 of my mom's children outlived her . We grow up expecting that to happen but it is not always the case and I currently know two mom's that are watching their children die and thus am thankful that my mom never had to know that pain.Death is a part of life but it doesn't always come in what should be the proper order.

MomFor Two wrote "Who knows, maybe if my mom lived to see 80, it would still be too soon." I can say yes it would still be too soon as my mom was 82 when she died. Until my mom got the cancer she was much younger then her given age and her mother an identical twin live to be 103 and her twin sister died just shy of her 105th birthday thus we had all asummed my mom would live as long as until the cancer she had no major health issues.

I think age does not matter as they are our moms, someone that has loved us and been with us since before birth and that is a strong bond so the loss hurts just as bad no matter what age they are.

Piper, when a death is more sudden like your mom's it is common to feel anger like you do which is why I now feel that the cancer was in a way a blessing as it gave us time to say good by and to wrap up all loose ends . Sudden deaths or prolonged ones in the case of some brain deaths do not give you the options of saying goodbye and coming to accept death so yea anger is common.In prolnged cases of illness like cancer I think one feels relief as you know your loved one will never suffer again and you dealt with anger back when you first learned of the illness.

It sounds like you have some wonderful children to love and can keep your mom alive by sharing stories of her with them. Give yourself time to grieve as not only do we grieve the death but also our old life as a death of a loved ones changes our life. You have my prayers to find some comfort. JanMarie

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