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Grief & Loss Message Board

Grief & Loss Board Index

Re: Miss My Mom
Nov 26, 2007
I lost my mom to colon cancer on 09/01/07. I buried her remains with my grandparents, her parents, on my birthday. NEVER in my life have I felt such an emptiness and loneliness. My mom and I were insanely close. I remember going thru something horrible in May of ’06 and she was right there with me, supporting me like no one else. I distinctly remember thinking during that conversation (I can still see it to this day), “Where would I be without mymommy?’” Little did I know she was dying of colon cancer, not to be diagnosed until August ’06…

My life right now is in personal chaos. I feel no one “gets” me. There is no way people who still have their mothers can understand what I’m going thru, and I resent them for it. I don’t want to, but I do. Thanksgiving this year, being with people and their moms, it was a very strong punch in the chest to realize they are all older than me…and they all have their moms…I’m the only one without. So as they celebrate and say how thankful they are, here’s me and my grief. Alone. Welcome to the rest of your life!!

My relationship with my fiancé is falling to pieces – and I don’t care. I am shutting off from people, the only exception being my daughter. SHE is the one single-handedly getting me thru this time (a big responsibility for a little girl) and I am focusing all of my attention on her so that she knows how much I love her, just as I will always know how much my mom loved (no, loves!) me. Making sure my dad is ok and being a mom are my top and only priorities. I feel that my fiancé is no where near as understanding as I need; we are building a house this year, despite my telling him it may not be the best thing to do with her diagnoses, and he is frustrated at my lack of involvement/concern for our project. And I become resentful that he is that way. Even though I try to realize it’s not HIS mom gone; his life is still unchanged and therefore he can’t fully understand what I’m going thru, I still don’t want any part of it. I am actually resentful over the new house because it’s a new, huge change for me that my mom won’t be a part of. I can’t go there without it being bittersweet, wondering what my mom would think of the color choices and if she’d stay over for Christmas Eve.

I did pretty well up until this month. But now, I find myself feeling worse, more shut off (and down) and more hurt/resentful than I thought I would be. I want to be alone, or busy with my daughter, and the rest of the planet can take a flying leap.

It actually feels good to write out my feelings in a forum with people who understand. I don’t have nearly enough of that support around me, even in my father, who would rather just keep going with life and not talk about it (denial, denial, denial). Me, I heal by talking about things…something that my mom and I ALWAYS did, so the ONE person I would want to talk about this to the most is the one that’s gone and the one I can’t. And I hurt every day of my life because of it. And so far? It ain’t getting better.
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 3, 2007
On a positive note, something that gave me comfort was this (pathetic as it sounds):

Last evening I finally pulled out the quart of egg nog I bought over the weekend. My mom and I were always out looking for the first offerings of egg nog, as we both loved it. We would get all excited and come home, relax, and break open the nog and chat time away as we decorated, or while we enjoyed the decorations.

This year, I don't have that. But I have nog.

So, I cracked it open. I looked out the window, upward, and said, "Mom, here's to you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you can see that, and know that." And with that, I drank.

My mom could see me. I know it.

I toddled my 4 year-old, DYING to know what I was drinking, and why I was crying looking out the window. I told her I wasn't crying (that's an ok lie, right?) and I was drinking egg nog. "EGG nog? Ew!" was her initial response, followed by, "Can I try some?"

First sip and she LOVED It. "Mommy, mmmmm, that's good! Gimmie more!" (I find that so odd, given how picky she is with, oh, everything!!)

So the tradition continues - thanks to my mom up there, my angel - with my daughter and me. She's now an egg nog junkie too.

Small things like that give me a certain comfort/confidence that she's still with me, doing what she can for me.

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