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Miss My Mom
Oct 26, 2007
I WOULD LIKE TO COMMUNICATE WITH OTHERS THAT ARE HAVING A HARD TIME WITH THE LOSS OF THEIR MOM. mY MOM DIED IN MARCH THIS YEAR AND i FEEL SO ALONE. I HAVE A 15 MONTH OLD SON AND A HUSBAND, BUT I DO NOT GET THE SAME LOVE FROM THEM AS MY MOM GAVE TO ME..I AM SO SAD...
Re: Miss My Mom
Oct 26, 2007
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. No one can ever replace her and there is no love like a mother's love.

I lost my mom 14 years ago. I too had a young child age 4 at the time. For a long time, I felt like my heart had been ripped to shreds and that I was desitned to feel this pain for the rest of my life. I had a husband that loved me dearly and a son who was (and is) the light of my life. But their love couldn't ease the pain I felt from the loss of my mother, my dearest friend, the one who loved and understood me in a way that no one else could.

After my mom died, I felt a profound loss. I was sad, confused, angry and probably many more things. I remember going to her grave the day after she was buried. I went alone and I cried and threw a big tantrum. I was angry that my mom didn't tell me how sick she was. I was angry at her. I was angry at myself for being angry at her. I was angry just because I was angry and sad. I didn't talk to anyone about how I felt because I truly thought I was going crazy. I didn't think I could live a happy life again.

My mom died Sept. 25th, 1993, five days after my birthday. Before she got too sick, she bought and wrapped all the grandkid's Christmas presents. She knew she wouldn't make it till Christmas. The first Christmas without her was horrible! Seeing those kids unwrap and open those gifts was heart wrenching. We all cried for her.

As the years have passed, the pain has lessened. There is a new generation coming in our family now. Now at Christmas and all through the year, I think back to happy memories with her. I remember her smile and I smile. I still cry sometimes. I still wish she were here with me to give me her loving hugs and advice.

Give yourself time to grieve. The process takes a long time. You did the right thing by reaching out. You're not alone.

Search online for a list called "The 7 Stages of Grief". I couldn't believe how accurately these stages discribed how I felt.

One day, you'll think of your mom and feel her love without so much pain. Yes, your mom's love is still there with you in your heart. And when the pain begins to ease for you, you'll see that your mom's love is her gift for you to pass to your dear son. And that's just one of the ways that her memory will live on forever.

Love, Barb
Re: Miss My Mom
Oct 26, 2007
Thank you for responding to my "cry". I am sure that time will ease the pain, I just am so saddened that she will not be here to share in my son's life and that our family (my two brothers, our only living relatives) is so dysfunctional that they are not able to come together with me in mind or spirit to celebrate our mother, or cry together, and support one another through this time.

My husband does not have a close relationship with his mother, so it's hard for him to understand what I am experiencing. My mother and I were such good friends and always there for one another throughout our very tumultuous life. We really had noone else to lean on and I was there for her until the end.

Now I am obsessed with my own mortality and concerned for my son and myself...will I be here for him?? Will my life be taken by ovarian cancer like my mother's?? It is all so scary. I know that I shouldn't worry about things that I have no control over, but at this "raw" time, it is difficult not to..

Anyway, I am enjoying my little man every waking moment. I know that once he can really communicate with me I will have a new companion to share life with on a level only a mother can share...now I will be the Mom.

I will always miss the feeling of my mother's touch and sound of her voice, but I will always have her love in my heart and can only hope that my son will love and cherish me the way I do my Mom.

Thanks again.

Be Well.
Re: Miss My Mom
Nov 1, 2007
[QUOTE=GASTON55;3276944]I WOULD LIKE TO COMMUNICATE WITH OTHERS THAT ARE HAVING A HARD TIME WITH THE LOSS OF THEIR MOM. mY MOM DIED IN MARCH THIS YEAR AND i FEEL SO ALONE. I HAVE A 15 MONTH OLD SON AND A HUSBAND, BUT I DO NOT GET THE SAME LOVE FROM THEM AS MY MOM GAVE TO ME..I AM SO SAD...[/QUOTE]

Hello----

I have been looking for a post like yours for just over two months. My Mom died Aug 26...since then, I'm just not 'right'. I am the youngest of 5 kids, and the only girl. I am married, and have two girls (5yrs-9yrs) but Dad has become my main concern. I worry about him alot. and Hate when he's alone. I know it bothers him too--eating dinner alone, sitting down to watch tv alone, just not having someone there to be with or talk to. He does need some time alone, but it's so sad to see him at the table. We've been alternating dinners at one house or the other most times. But after dinner time, I feel so bad to leave.

Since Mom died, I am sad alot of the time also. There's no way anyone can replace your Mom.....There is only one MOM. My kids and husband love me, and I do them, but it's not the same. Being the only girl, Mom and I were different than the boys. I can't explain it. Every day, a song come on the radio that makes me cry, or I see something, or smell something...isn't that wierd...the smell part? I can't use DOVE shampoo or conditioner. I used to wash Mom's hair once a week and that was what she used. The night she died and a few days after, myself and brother slept over my dad's house. It drove me crazy to take a shower and wash my hair. All that was in the bathroom was the Dove. That was all I could smell. It's wierd little things like that.

Did you go through having an attitude like you didn't care, after your Mom died? Not about family, but about everything else? I did. It was wierd. I didn't give a poop about my job or much else. My family was all that mattered and everyone else and everything else could go to h***. It took a little while to stop feeling that way. Some days I still do though. But not all the time like I used to.

I don't know your Mom's situation, but there's a song I really like. It still makes me cry sometimes, but most times, it makes me think of Mom and stuff we used to do, or things she used to say. It's called "Walking Her Home" by Mark Schultz. I happened to hear it on the radio a couple of weeks [U][B]before [/B][/U]Mom died, and never forgot the words or the title.

For those of us who have lost our Mom's, I think there is part of us that will always be sad, always feel empty. There is no love like Mom's. It can't be replaced. Just hang onto the feeling, that's what I do sometimes. Try to remember the fun stuff you did, the way she laughed, her little quirky ways or habits....stuff like that.


Please write back. I'd like to know how you're doing. You may even be able to help me at times too. Have a good day. And remember your Mom. She's smiling down at you, I'm sure.

mmmcoffee
Re: Miss My Mom
Nov 6, 2007
Thanks for responding to my letter...sorry it's been a few days...everyday life seems to take over....

I am sorry for the loss of your mom too. No matter when it happens, it is so sad to lose your biggest fan. My mom and I also had a very special relationship. I am the youngest of three kids and the only girl. My one brother, unfortunately, is a homeless alcoholic. My other brother is very caught up in his children's lives with his wife, so they rarely interacted with Mom. Even though they lived less than 30 minutes from her. Very Sad..but due to all our family issues (Dad died when I was 17) my mother and I were the very best of friends. we were on the phone CONSTANTLY. I loved talking to her, she was always positive and encouraging. She was a great listener and never lectured anyone..she always felt everyone deserved another chance.

Mom re-married and although the marriage wasn't great, she stayed with the man, Clem, until she died. Although she wanted nothing more than to come live with me (about and hour north) and my husband and newborn son so she could enjoy our conversations face to face. My husband built an addition on our home for her that she never got to see.

I am so saddened by my loss. I pray that she truly is in a place of pure love and joy, never having to worry about her homeless son, or be concerned about everyone else and not putting herself first.

It is so difficult to visit her husband of 16 years, Clem. First of all, he never liked that Mom and I were as close as we were. He would get mad at her for talking to me so much, or for wanting to come up and spend a night with me. These are things that are hard to get over for me.

on the other side, Clem is 88 and did the best he knew how for Mom. I know that and I try to keep in touch with him because he is so lonely. Poor guy, he has always had someone there to eat dinner with....

It's difficult for me, I am the only one trying to make Clem feel less alone, my brothers could care less and Clem has 6 kids, all of which live out of state and are very busy. I don't have the heart to stop talking to him. I send him pics of my little boy regularly and send him funny e-mails when I can.

The loss of Mom has changed me. I am also very concerned about my family and could care less about work. I own my own business and I am lucky I have a great assistant, if it weren't for her, I'd be out of business.

I am reading a book called Feather Brushes of the Heart(I think). It is stories from women who have lost their Moms but still feel her spirit near them. Some stories are a little out there, but many of them are simple reminders that your mother lives within you now, in your heart, in your actions, and in your thoughts.

We will never feel as whole as we did when we had Mom to call, but we must rejoice in the love that our Moms gave to us and the gift of love that we can share with others.

I am still crying like a baby atleast once a week, but I am able to face the world with a smile and feel so lucky that I had one of the greatest Moms ever. Our relationship was envied by many and I can only hope that my son and I will share a special relationship like I had with my Mom.
Take Care and write again, let me know how you are doing.

Peace.

Janet
Re: Miss My Mom
Nov 7, 2007
[COLOR="Navy"]I lost my mother a week ago tomorrow. At least she died a week ago. She had alzheimers and had been in a locked down ward for the past three years. She became unresponsive a week ago Friday and passed away on All Saints Days. She was home in Minnesota and I live in Virginia. My hubby and I managed to get home on Tuesday and we sat by her bed until she passed on Thursday evening. Physically I lost her..but I really lost her 5 years ago when that wretched disease stole my mother away.

The really awful part of this story is that I lost my father on the 29th of September of this year. He was in the same unit as Mom. He got up, got dressed, sat in his wheel chair looking at Mom, when the anuerism burst and he passed. So I lost the two most important people in my life, next to my husband, in a month.

I think I'm going to skip thanksgiving this year...I'm having a hard time to be thankful. [/COLOR]
Re: Miss My Mom
Nov 7, 2007
I am so sorry about your double loss...how devastating, how sad. My close friend has a mother with Alzheimer's, she has not been able to recognize my friend for the past 4 years and also is in a lock down facility. When I lost my Mom, I wasn't sure which is worse..to lose a loved one who is still aware of life and loves talking to everyone and being very much a part of life or having your loved one alive, but unresponsive to their immediate world.

It's all so difficult to absorb. The feelings of helplessness are horrible, especially when it is your closest loved ones. Was your father an Alzheimer's patient too?? The whole anuerism thing is so scary. You must feel just awful...I am so sad for you.

I hope your husband and other family members are of great support to you. I know that even though I had a supportive husband and several great friends, I still felt very much alone in my grief. I still do...when I am overwhelmed with grief I try to cry by myself because my husband doesn't know what to do with me...you know, typical guy who wants to "fix" the problem. Unfortunately there is no fix. We are losing our best friends who have known us our entire lives and there's nothing we can do to stop the living/dying process. I know it's a natural part of the Cycle in life, but it's still so earth shattering when it happens.

I wish you calming thoughts and I pray that our loved ones are no longer in pain, scared, or facing terrifying medical procedures. If what "they" say is true, our loved ones have graduated to the next level, their spirits have moved on to higher ground, a place where there is no fear, no guilt, no negative emotions. It is us that miss them so, but may it bring comfort to us to know those we love so much are free from the world's diseases and pain.

That all sounds good, I know it still hurts, but we must have hope to carry on and enjoy OUR lives while we are healthy souls.

Peace

Janet
Re: Miss My Mom
Nov 12, 2007
[COLOR="Navy"]Thanks you Janet..

My hubby has suffered almost as much as I have. My parents have been more parents to him than his own were. When we buried my father at Ft. Snelling in Mpls., he had full military honors as a WWII vet. Our oldest son is lead trumpeter for the Navy bands out of New Orleans. He played taps for his grandfathers funeral. I don't know how he did it. It was the most mournful taps that I have ever heard, his heart was crying and you could hear it in the notes coming out of the horn. IT was all I could do not to weep in misery. My two boys have lost the loves of their life. The sun rose and set for my parents in their two grandsons...and now both of my parents are gone.

I feel so slighted. I haven't had a mother to talk to for five years and it seems so cruel that other people have mothers that they can tell things to and laugh with and go out to lunch. I used to call a couple of times a week and talk with just Mom...I don't have that option...and when Mom was in the nursing home-every visit I kept hoping that when I went home she would know me. Do you know how it hurts to look at your mother and have her look at you with no recognition? A little part of you dies every time. A little part of your heart has a burn spot on it. Having someone say, "oh it's only the disease doesn't make it any easier or less painful...and being the only child only seems to intensify the pain.

we bury Mamma this Friday and she will be next to Daddy. His grave is so fresh that the ground hasn't even settled yet. They will be together. After 64.5 years of marriage she couldn't be without him...so now I am alone.
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child........[/COLOR]
Re: Miss My Mom
Nov 15, 2007
I lost my mom 1 1/2 years ago. She and I were very close and she helped me with our disabled son. Since her death we moved, my daughters live 13 hours away and my sisters live near them. Right now all I have is my husband and son. Because of the lack of help with my son, I am not working and am completely isolated at home by myself. My husband does not understand how lonely I am because he still has his parents.

My father is dating other women and it kills me that he is trying to replace mom. (Yes I truly believe he is looking for someone to cook and clean for him) I try to do the best I can but some days (like today) I really miss mom. Now that the holidays are coming it is harder because she and I always prepared for them together. I know I should be doing better because it has been quite awhile since her death, but I am still grieving.

I am so sorry all your loses. Hopefully time will help us.
Re: Miss My Mom
Nov 21, 2007
Dear Ruskingirl,

I am sure I will still be heavily grieving for awhile, especially when the holidays roll around. I wasn't even going to open this e-mail, because I didn't want to take the time right now to get emotional about MOM not being here, but I am glad I did.... My Mom and I would be on the phone 8 times a day during the holidays...Thanksgiving will be fun, but very tough..the saddness is so tough...and feeling isolated is terrible...my problem is that I don't have any close family that i have a really great relationship with..Mom was it. My one brother is an alcoholic, he has lived on the streets for 20 years!!! and I have one other,,which has it's own sad story. Anyway, no aunts, cousins, or uncles...very different...we are first generation Americans..parents were only children.

As you see, I am feeling sorry for myself too..I happy to be able to share with someone who understands.

May love, hope, and faith get you through this holiday season..

Peace

JAnet
Re: Miss My Mom
Nov 26, 2007
I lost my mom to colon cancer on 09/01/07. I buried her remains with my grandparents, her parents, on my birthday. NEVER in my life have I felt such an emptiness and loneliness. My mom and I were insanely close. I remember going thru something horrible in May of ’06 and she was right there with me, supporting me like no one else. I distinctly remember thinking during that conversation (I can still see it to this day), “Where would I be without my ‘mommy?’” Little did I know she was dying of colon cancer, not to be diagnosed until August ’06…

My life right now is in personal chaos. I feel no one “gets” me. There is no way people who still have their mothers can understand what I’m going thru, and I resent them for it. I don’t want to, but I do. Thanksgiving this year, being with people and their moms, it was a very strong punch in the chest to realize they are all older than me…and they all have their moms…I’m the only one without. So as they celebrate and say how thankful they are, here’s me and my grief. Alone. Welcome to the rest of your life!!

My relationship with my fiancé is falling to pieces – and I don’t care. I am shutting off from people, the only exception being my daughter. SHE is the one single-handedly getting me thru this time (a big responsibility for a little girl) and I am focusing all of my attention on her so that she knows how much I love her, just as I will always know how much my mom loved (no, loves!) me. Making sure my dad is ok and being a mom are my top and only priorities. I feel that my fiancé is no where near as understanding as I need; we are building a house this year, despite my telling him it may not be the best thing to do with her diagnoses, and he is frustrated at my lack of involvement/concern for our project. And I become resentful that he is that way. Even though I try to realize it’s not HIS mom gone; his life is still unchanged and therefore he can’t fully understand what I’m going thru, I still don’t want any part of it. I am actually resentful over the new house because it’s a new, huge change for me that my mom won’t be a part of. I can’t go there without it being bittersweet, wondering what my mom would think of the color choices and if she’d stay over for Christmas Eve.

I did pretty well up until this month. But now, I find myself feeling worse, more shut off (and down) and more hurt/resentful than I thought I would be. I want to be alone, or busy with my daughter, and the rest of the planet can take a flying leap.

It actually feels good to write out my feelings in a forum with people who understand. I don’t have nearly enough of that support around me, even in my father, who would rather just keep going with life and not talk about it (denial, denial, denial). Me, I heal by talking about things…something that my mom and I ALWAYS did, so the ONE person I would want to talk about this to the most is the one that’s gone and the one I can’t. And I hurt every day of my life because of it. And so far? It ain’t getting better.
Re: Miss My Mom
Nov 30, 2007
I feel your pain..my mother and I were the same..insanely close. we talked about evrything, everybody, and were each other's soul mates. My husband, too, does not understand my grief and never will. He has not had the same wonderful, close relationship with anyone in life,,,how sad for him.

All I can say is I have my son who occupies most of my time and all of my thoughts. It is still difficult because he does not talk yet (only 16 months old). I will always miss Mom and wonder what she would have said, done, or wanted me to do in different situations.

Life does go on and I know in my heart my mother wouldn't want me to be miserable every day..she wants me to be a happy person and enjoy all life has to offer.

I don't know if this helps you or not...just realize there are many of us women without mothers that TOTALLY understand what you are going thru.

Take Care. Enjoy the holidays.

Peace
Janet
Re: Miss My Mom
Nov 30, 2007
I am so sorry for your loss Pittsburgh. I know how much you miss your mom. It has been almost a year and a half I miss her more now than ever before. My dad is dating someone else and even talking about marrying her and I want to scream!!!!! Now that the holidays are here I find I can't do anything. Nobody can replace our moms...hopefully time will ease the pain. I will be thinking of you.
Re: Miss My Mom
Nov 30, 2007
I am brand new to these boards and already I can tell that many of them are going to be very helpful for me, especially this one (Grief & Loss). Basically, until I read some of the messages in this thread ("Miss My Mom") I thought I was the [B][I]only one[/I][/B] feeling as miserable as I am (and that's putting it mildly).

Now I am relieved, for lack of a better way of putting it, to find that I'm not at all alone in what I'm going through regarding the sudden loss of my mother. She passed away about three months ago and it has turned my life upside down. Since then I walk around with a gaping hole in my heart and an emptiness that cannot be filled.

Thanksgiving was rougher than I expected - there's that phrase "alone in a crowd" and that is exactly how I felt. There I was, surrounded by cheery people at a festive occasion, feeling alone and empty without my mom among those people. It actually felt kind of weird not having her there.

Anyway, I'm so glad to have found these boards, places where I feel I might relate to and *belong* and both gain from and contribute to.
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 1, 2007
[COLOR="Navy"]A box came in the mail today. I opened it. It was the perfume I had ordered for Mom for Christmas. I had forgotten hat i had ordered it. My Mom has worn this for 29 years and when I opened the bottle and sprayed it, it wept because it was as if mom was standing there getting ready to go out with me. I almost chocked. Oh dear lord...how are we going to get through this month. I thought november was bad......[/COLOR]
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 1, 2007
Oh how awful...maybe you could spray a pillow with the perfume and smell it when you need to feel her really close to you.
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 2, 2007
[QUOTE=Ruskingirl;3329853]I am so sorry for your loss Pittsburgh. I know how much you miss your mom. It has been almost a year and a half I miss her more now than ever before. My dad is dating someone else and even talking about marrying her and I want to scream!!!!! Now that the holidays are here I find I can't do anything. Nobody can replace our moms...hopefully time will ease the pain. I will be thinking of you.[/QUOTE]Thank you. It truly is getting worse for me as well, certainly not better, and at times I feel like I'm losing my mind! Or that thought when I realize she's gone and the absolute feeling of panic and absolute disgust/fear/dread/torture/sadness...it's unbearable. The holidays mean NOTHING to me this year. Nothing. I am trying to "up" for my daughter, and maybe 8 out of 10 days I'm doing an ok job, but things are just falling apart with my fiance. Worst part is....I'm not even sure how much I care about that right now. This is horrible, just absolutely horrible.

[QUOTE=paddler;3330623]She passed away about three months ago and it has turned my life upside down. Since then I walk around with a gaping hole in my heart and an emptiness that cannot be filled.

Thanksgiving was rougher than I expected - there's that phrase "alone in a crowd" and that is exactly how I felt. There I was, surrounded by cheery people at a festive occasion, feeling alone and empty without my mom among those people. It actually felt kind of weird not having her there.

Anyway, I'm so glad to have found these boards, places where I feel I might relate to and *belong* and both gain from and contribute to.[/QUOTE]I agree with you a million percent about Thanksgiving. I'm even ashamed to say that I felt jealousy and anger toward those around me because they had the 1 thing that I NEVER took for granted and always loved - my mom. I don't want to be jealous/resentful of those that I'm close with, but I can't help it. I wanted to be able to see/call my mom on Thanksgiving and gossip about all that went on during our days. I wanted to tell her what happened, etc., and...there was no one to call/see. I dread Christmas. I have no idea how I'm going to get thru it.

[QUOTE=ibake&pray;3331507][COLOR="Navy"]A box came in the mail today.
I opened it. It was the perfume I had ordered for Mom for Christmas. I had forgotten hat i had ordered it. My Mom has worn this for 29 years and when I opened the bottle and sprayed it, it wept because it was as if mom was standing there getting ready to go out with me. I almost chocked. Oh dear lord...how are we going to get through this month. I thought november was bad......[/COLOR][/QUOTE]How dreadful for you. I am so sorry. It's all I can do to see my mom's favorite Christmas decorations - animated Clauses - and think what plans she had to display them in her new place this year. Or for all the other years we got them out and decorated together. How much she loved them. How for so many years the holidays were fun for us. All that we did together.

I feel like I'm falling apart, and there's just NO ONE who understands. I feel so lonely, so isolated and so hurt.

Merry Christmas, eh? Ugh.
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 2, 2007
To Pittsburgh_Flye: I can understand what you mean when you say that you felt jealousy and anger toward those around me on Thanksgiving because they had the ONE thing that you "NEVER" took for granted - your mom.

When I go out to do things like run errands or eat out or whatever, when I see children young or older, with their moms I feel profound sadness that I can no longer go out and do things with my mom, or just the general feeling that I don't have a mom with me on this earth anymore.

Back to Thanksgiving, I wanted my mom to be there with me so we could quietly comment to each other gossipy type things (nothing malicious)!

I also dread Christmas; I figure it will be as bad as, if not worse, than Thanksgiving. :(
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 3, 2007
Ladies,

I had my husband put my tree up on Friday and still cannot bring myself to decorate it. Last year I did because I had my little nieces (ages 3 and 6) over for the holidays, but this year they will not be here. My son is 22, mentally and physically disabled and the apple of my mom's eye, she loved to make Christmas special for him. Why can't I make it special for him like she did? We spent every day together preparing for the holidays. I miss her so much.
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 3, 2007
[QUOTE=paddler;3332840]To Pittsburgh_Flye: I can understand what you mean when you say that you felt jealousy and anger toward those around me on Thanksgiving because they had the ONE thing that you "NEVER" took for granted - your mom.

When I go out to do things like run errands or eat out or whatever, when I see children young or older, with their moms I feel profound sadness that I can no longer go out and do things with my mom, or just the general feeling that I don't have a mom with me on this earth anymore.

Back to Thanksgiving, I wanted my mom to be there with me so we could quietly comment to each other gossipy type things (nothing malicious)!

I also dread Christmas; I figure it will be as bad as, if not worse, than Thanksgiving. :([/QUOTE]You have stated my feelings exactly. I too have used the example of seeing moms and daughters out together and how jealous/angry that makes me.

Or even my friends saying, "My mom and I..." It's so difficult to know there is no "mom and I" in my case.

[QUOTE=Ruskingirl;3333557]Ladies,

I had my husband put my tree up on Friday and still cannot bring myself to decorate it. Last year I did because I had my little nieces (ages 3 and 6) over for the holidays, but this year they will not be here. My son is 22, mentally and physically disabled and the apple of my mom's eye, she loved to make Christmas special for him. Why can't I make it special for him like she did? We spent every day together preparing for the holidays. I miss her so much.[/QUOTE]You got further than I have - I can't even bring myself to bring out any decorations yet at all. I think it's hard for you (us) to make the holidays special because we are hurting so much. It's just hard to put the responsibility on ourselves to make something - anything - perfect because our hearts are broken and our heads are processing the loss. It's impossible to be festive and "up" when we are suffering the greatest loss in our lives to date.

My fiance said, "I don't get it - your mom would stress you out on Christmas and you'd say, 'I'm never doing THIS again!'" I said, "Yes, there were times we fought like cat and dog on Christmas (she had a way of stressing me out over silly things SHE'D get stressed out over) but all the time leading up to it...the getting together, the decorating, the first "nog sighting" and sips...the trips to the mall...all those things were a million times more fun after the birth of my daughter...

And now it's all gone. And I can't put on an act for anyone that I'm ok, or things are unchanged. Because they are. This is my first year of a new life and learning a new way of partaking in the holidays.

This year will be sad, clumsy, horrible, miserable and rotten. But it's the start of a new life and I can't be perfect out the gate. And I'm not going to try to.
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 3, 2007
On a positive note, something that gave me comfort was this (pathetic as it sounds):

Last evening I finally pulled out the quart of egg nog I bought over the weekend. My mom and I were always out looking for the first offerings of egg nog, as we both loved it. We would get all excited and come home, relax, and break open the nog and chat time away as we decorated, or while we enjoyed the decorations.

This year, I don't have that. But I have nog.

So, I cracked it open. I looked out the window, upward, and said, "Mom, here's to you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you can see that, and know that." And with that, I drank.

My mom could see me. I know it.

I toddled my 4 year-old, DYING to know what I was drinking, and why I was crying looking out the window. I told her I wasn't crying (that's an ok lie, right?) and I was drinking egg nog. "EGG nog? Ew!" was her initial response, followed by, "Can I try some?"

First sip and she LOVED It. "Mommy, mmmmm, that's good! Gimmie more!" (I find that so odd, given how picky she is with, oh, everything!!)

So the tradition continues - thanks to my mom up there, my angel - with my daughter and me. She's now an egg nog junkie too.

Small things like that give me a certain comfort/confidence that she's still with me, doing what she can for me.
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 3, 2007
It will one year on December 26 since I lost my mother. I guess it's somewhat easier but I haven't found that in the past couple of weeks the memories of her last days are hauting me. She died a horrible death from a combo of cancer and heart disease. She suffered for some many years before this as well. Through the diagnosis of heart failure, surgery for a pacemaker, diagnosis of cancer, battling cancer, major surgery as a result of radiation, then recurrence of cancer. Blah!! We were very close. I am the youngest of 5kids and I'm 33. It's so hard grieve like this. I had no idea I could still scream, cry and carry-on like a 3-year old!! ;)


I think mostly I'm angry right now and I know that's "normal" but I get tired of myself!

Hang in there everyone. Our moms still love us dearly and we will always have our memories!!
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 4, 2007
[QUOTE=sunshine149;3334193]It will one year on December 26 since I lost my mother. I guess it's somewhat easier but I haven't found that in the past couple of weeks the memories of her last days are hauting me. She died a horrible death from a combo of cancer and heart disease. She suffered for some many years before this as well. Through the diagnosis of heart failure, surgery for a pacemaker, diagnosis of cancer, battling cancer, major surgery as a result of radiation, then recurrence of cancer. Blah!! We were very close. I am the youngest of 5kids and I'm 33. It's so hard grieve like this. I had no idea I could still scream, cry and carry-on like a 3-year old!! ;)[QUOTE]

I too, Have the hauting memories of my mother's horrible death. She was weak for several years before her actual diagnosis of breast and lung cancer (two primary cancers). Being the oldest of 8 kids I took care of her, worked full time, raised two beautiful daughters, and took care of my disabled son. Now we moved 12 hours away from home, I no longer work, mom is gone, my son has fantastic benefits and help from the state and I am sick too. All I do is sit and feel sorry for myself and cry all the time. I know mom would hate this for me and tell me to pick myself up and get on with life. But I miss her so much. Today, I will decorate the tree for her!
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 4, 2007
[QUOTE=Ruskingirl;3335260][QUOTE=sunshine149;3334193]It will one year on December 26 since I lost my mother. I guess it's somewhat easier but I haven't found that in the past couple of weeks the memories of her last days are hauting me. She died a horrible death from a combo of cancer and heart disease. She suffered for some many years before this as well. Through the diagnosis of heart failure, surgery for a pacemaker, diagnosis of cancer, battling cancer, major surgery as a result of radiation, then recurrence of cancer. Blah!! We were very close. I am the youngest of 5kids and I'm 33. It's so hard grieve like this. I had no idea I could still scream, cry and carry-on like a 3-year old!! ;)[QUOTE]

I too, Have the hauting memories of my mother's horrible death. She was weak for several years before her actual diagnosis of breast and lung cancer (two primary cancers). Being the oldest of 8 kids I took care of her, worked full time, raised two beautiful daughters, and took care of my disabled son. Now we moved 12 hours away from home, I no longer work, mom is gone, my son has fantastic benefits and help from the state and I am sick too. All I do is sit and feel sorry for myself and cry all the time. I know mom would hate this for me and tell me to pick myself up and get on with life. But I miss her so much. Today, I will decorate the tree for her![/QUOTE]
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 4, 2007
:( Sorry to hear about your mom. I know what you are going through. I speak from experiance with the same feelings to. I lost my mom to C.H.F 2 yrs ago on Dec 7. This week will be horrible. I try and do something on that very same day so I don't have to think. Since it has been cold I have been in the house just thinking and today I started to get really sad and weepy and I stopped and I usually stop myself anyway because the way I feel is this.

She is in no more pain. She is free so how can I be sad anymore when she is free from it all. I can't be sad over that. YES, I miss my mom very much but I also didn't want her to suffer anymore. I always think that she is here with me always because I know she is and that gives me the best feeling of all.
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 5, 2007
i am so sorry to hear about that so many of you have lost your moms, i went to this message by accident but had to write once i started reading. Well when i stopped crying. Hearing everyones input just brings up all the feelings.
my dad pasted away in march of this year and my best friends mom pasted in january, its still so hard. I am 27 dad was 58 and my friends mom was 59. we grew up together and her mom was amazing, still the idea they are gone it just seems like craziness. Someone told me that it will never get easier but the pain will be less heavy. sometimes i think its true other times i hurt like i did then but i have hope that it will. Even though it was my dad and not mom, my family is so close we just aren't the same its almost like we not only lost dad but a big part of mom.
i couldn't agree more about the holidays being hard, no thanksgiving was horrible. it sounds horrible but i am also glad to hear that others feel angry and jealous and mad, it makes me feel i guess more normal. it makes me so upset just to see people together and happy, the shopping, the decorating, its not like me usually i am very happy and positive. i still can't listen to christmas music (dad loved it and started playing so early like October or something. funny how the things that drove me the craziest are the things i miss).
Good for you for putting the tree up!! any step is worth celebrating. Hang in there all. I will be keeping you in my prayers. i am glad i ran across this board. so many of the posting had feelings i have felt its so hard because of the mix of emotions.
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 8, 2007
[QUOTE=mmmcoffee;3286017]Hello----

My Mom died Aug 26...since then, I'm just not 'right'. I am the youngest of 5 kids, and the only girl. I am married, and have two girls (5yrs-9yrs) but Dad has become my main concern. I worry about him alot. and Hate when he's alone. I know it bothers him too--eating dinner alone, sitting down to watch tv alone, just not having someone there to be with or talk to. He does need some time alone, but it's so sad to see him at the table. We've been alternating dinners at one house or the other most times. But after dinner time, I feel so bad to leave.

Since Mom died, I am sad alot of the time also. There's no way anyone can replace your Mom.....There is only one MOM. My kids and husband love me, and I do them, but it's not the same. Being the only girl, Mom and I were different than the boys. I can't explain it. Every day, a song come on the radio that makes me cry, or I see something, or smell something...isn't that wierd...the smell part?
Did you go through having an attitude like you didn't care, after your Mom died? Not about family, but about everything else? I did. It was wierd. I didn't give a poop about my job or much else. My family was all that mattered and everyone else and everything else could go to h***. It took a little while to stop feeling that way. Some days I still do though. But not all the time like I used to.

I don't know your Mom's situation, but there's a song I really like. It still makes me cry sometimes, but most times, it makes me think of Mom and stuff we used to do, or things she used to say. It's called "Walking Her Home" by Mark Schultz. I happened to hear it on the radio a couple of weeks [U][B]before [/B][/U]Mom died, and never forgot the words or the title.

For those of us who have lost our Mom's, I think there is part of us that will always be sad, always feel empty. There is no love like Mom's. It can't be replaced. Just hang onto the feeling, that's what I do sometimes. Try to remember the fun stuff you did, the way she laughed, her little quirky ways or habits....stuff like that.


Please write back. I'd like to know how you're doing. You may even be able to help me at times too. Have a good day. And remember your Mom. She's smiling down at you, I'm sure.

mmmcoffee[/QUOTE]
I had to respond to you mmmcoffee, my mom died the day before. I was somewhat prepared as she was ill with several things but it happened so suddenly its amazing I made a 3 hours drive in one piece. She was brain dead when I got there, it was awful. We were not as close over the past 10 years but we were closer when I was a kid. What also caught me about your post was the comment about the song, I have strong memories of her and my mother's mother and somewhere over the rainboxw. Now I'm dealing with a father who had a triple bypass and 3 strokes and so the sense of loss takes a back seat but when I don't expect it, it comes out. I lost it saying goodnight to my 7 year old last night. She wasn't my best friend but she was my mom and I know she wanted the best for me. I'm so sad at how she went because she was trapped in a body that didn't work and was mad at the world. She changed. It was hard to deal with. I feel like I'm not supposed to show too much grief in front of my son and my husband really doesn not understand.
As other people mentioned, sometimes I just want to stay in bed or have some time to just deal with it. I got 3 days off from my job but that included the time we had to plan for her funeral. I live two states away and the worst part was she died a week before I had time off to see her. I'm not passed that.When my dad had his surgery and then strokes, I spent 3 days in his hospital room. I just couldn't lose them both within a few monts and if I was I was going to be there. He is improving but I feel like I should be there more. The loss of a parent is a major life event and I feel it. I hope I can be some comfort to thers. I'm glad I found this board.
Re: Miss My Mom
Dec 29, 2007
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Thanks for the responses. I feel bad about not being online or able to post in such a long time. You know how it is when you get busy with things and life etc etc. I have read many posts but haven't had the energy to write or respond to them.

Well, we survived Christmas. My husband, myself and our 2 girls had a sleep over at Pop's on Christmas Eve. I didn't think he'd want to be alone, and I couldn't bear the thought of him being there alone either. After much discussion, he decided it was okay and he would like to have us there. The way he'd get to play Santa and all that stuff. Dad is doing okay somedays. It was hard on Christmas every time one of the boys called (I have 4 brothers), then he would get emotional. It was a busy day with two of the brothers and their families stopping in. At about 7pm, we packed up all the kids toys/gifts and overnight bags and it was time to head back to our own house. We only live a mile away. I said goodnight and Merry Christmas and gave him a kiss. He asked what we were doing later. I said nothing, and he asked if it was okay if he came over later. We had been at his house for over 24 hrs. but I guess he just didn't want to be alone. So he came over for tea/cake later that night. It would be so much easier if we lived in the same house sometimes! Which has come up in conversation, but we'll wait and see.

What will be difficult, is January. It will be Mom and Dad's 59th anniversary. It is the day before my daughter's 10th birthday.

I think I'm doing okay now. I still have my moments, but I have pictures of Mom all over and I wear two of her rings every day. I think of her every time I look at them. It has gotten easier being at Dad's without her there. I actually love being there. It seems to make me feel better alot. Dad has mom in the living room (as he puts it). Her urn is on one of the cabinets with pictures of her, her mom's crusifix and flowers that we refresh every week. That's been one of the little things I like doing. I buy Mom flowers every week. When we sleep over, the sofabed is near 'Mom' so we say goodnight to her too. I guess it could be considered wierd, but everyone's different I guess. It's hard to find a new 'normal' without her. But we're adjusting I guess. Dad still is having a harder time than I wish he'd have. He cries alot. Has been taking different rx's for sleep--none of which really work.

We are taking a family vacation in Feb...compliments of one of my brothers. Dad, me, husband,2 girls and brother are going away for a week. We all desperately need it. My 9 yr old keeps saying that maybe "we'll be able to refresh and start over" (which surprised me for a 9 yr old!) I'm hoping that is the case. Dad is upset about going without Mom, but she never would have traveled. He keeps saying " I wish we did this last year" but deep down he knows she wouldn't have gone.

Our 6 yr old still cries and says "she misses Grammy" at times, but not as often as she used to. She has a picture of Grammy right by her bed, she wanted it there. She looks at it and says she misses playing house with Grammy.

I'm sorry for rambling so much. It's been so long since I've written, it makes me feel better to vent and let it all out. New Years Eve, the girls are staying at Dad's. They used to watch the ball drop with Grammy,. So IF they can stay awake, they'll do it with Pop this year. That is, IF he can stay awake!

Thank you all for responses and sharing your stories and experiences. I doubt any of this has helped anyone, but it helps me to write it all down. And thank you for listening. I hope the holidays were okay for everyone. We also did put the tree up, but wasn't really into it. It sat there for 4 days before I decorated it. The girls weren't really that excited about doing it either. I can't wait to take it down. I hate staring at it. maybe that's a good Saturday activity for today. I just want to put all the Holiday stuff away and forget about it sometimes. Thank you again. I'll try to write more often.

---mmmcoffee

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Re: Miss My Mom
Mar 27, 2008
Two years ago this week, mom had her lung surgery, she never recovered. I am still missing her horribly. There are days that it is almost unbearable. I find that I miss her wisdom and words most. I am getting on with life but I still miss her. This week my son has been home from school, we would always go out and do something fun, I haven't been out of the house yet. I decided that I am going to go to the mall with him because that is what she would have wanted. I love you mom.





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