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Grief & Loss Message Board

Grief & Loss Board Index

It was my first day at a new school. I was in the 4th grade. I walked into class so nervous. After a few days a girl walked up to me. She asked me if I wanted to be her best friend. It seems so silly now but back then it seemed amazing. Making new friends was always hard for me. She lived just down the street from me so we spent every day together from then on. Her name was Brittney. Time went on, eventually we were in middle school. We thought that we were so cool. Other friends came and went but me and brittney never left each others side. My parents divorced. My dad moved out of state. But Brittney was always there. We loved the movie Titanic. We went and saw it in the theaters almost every weekend. One day my mom came to us and said that we were going to Aspen for the 4th of July and that Brittney was coming to. It was just the three of us. It was a fun trip. But within a week of coming home my mom told me that we were going to be moving to Colorado. I was so angry. I hated moving. I had been moved around my whole life. Brittney assured me that we would still be close, and we were. High School came and Brittney and I talked every day! We never lost touch. We talked about boys, music, clothes. Just like if we still sat in the same classroom everyday! I got the news that her parents were splitting up and that her mom and her were moving to minnesota. I wanted her to come spend spring break with me and her mom said that after they got settled into her new house she would come. The last time I talked to her was right before they left Texas. Brittney was so excited to come back to Colorado. She loved the mountains here. But a few weeks went on and I didn't hear from her. March 30th, 2001 I came home from school just like any other day. There was a message on the answering machine from Brittneys mom. Just asking my mother to call her. I was a little weirded out but didn't think too much of it. We tried calling but there was no answer. At about 9:30 right after I had fallen asleep, my mother came into the room and woke me. She told me that on the way to Minnesota Brittney was in a car accident. That she didn't make it. I was 14. I didn't leave my room for two weeks. Who was there for me to talk to? I have never been able to rely on my mother for anything. I learned that at a very young age. I felt so alone. How could she have been gone? It just didn't make sense. I denied it for a long time. If I just didn't say the words than it wasn't true, right? Within two months I was experimenting with cocaine, alcohol. Soon meth. I dropped out of school. I wrote in my diaries about how much i wanted to die. I overdosed on cold pills when I was 15. I took a whole box of them. I almost did die. They put me on anti-depressants and for a while i seemed ok. But it got worse. I realized that I couldn't drink with them so I started selling them to make my mom think I was taking them. This went on and on until I was 17. By that time I was totally hooked on meth and couldn't remember why. I missed Brittney. I had no one there to tell me not to do it. My mom sure as hell didn't notice. I met Ryan. He was fun....thats what I remember most from those days. He was fun. He was also a big meth dealer so we got along great! We had a few months of fun until one night we were getting high and I told him that I was late. I thought I was just dope sick and that it would come in a few days. He insisted that we take a test now. It was positive. Still thinking it was just the dope, I went home and made an appointment with planned parenthood. Yep, I was 17 and very pregnant! I was shocked, to say the least. I thought about abortion. How was I supposed to be responsible for someone else? But I thought, what if I can. Who says my life can't change? Will he change with me? Probably not. But I can't give up without trying. So that was the last night I smoked meth. I told my mom. I won't go into that! But Ryan didn't stop doing drugs. We started living together and he would leave for days at a time. Coming home to sleep. I was ready to leave him. I actually did. He called me every day telling me that he was changing. I had heard it before. I drove over to give him a pair of work boots one day. He begged me to talk to him. He was down on his knees begging for another chance. I gave it to him. That was the last time he ever did meth. He started working. He put me through school. I gave birth to a little girl who we named Brittney. I figured that if Brittney was here and she could say anything to me it would be stop killing yourself. And since she couldn't tell me with words, she told me through this expeirience. My little Brittney is 2 1/2 now. I am a stay at home mom. Ryan is a CDL driver. He is so amazing. I love him with all my heart. We are getting married this spring. Who knew that a fun drug dealer would turn into a wonderful father and such a loving husband. But something is still not right. My life at this point seems to be such a fairytale. Everyone says that we are the perfect couple. And we are. I still think about Brittney every day. Its been over 6 years since she died and I still wonder what she would think of me now. If she know that I got over my drug problem. If she knows how good a mother I have become, and what she would think of ryan. I haven't called anyone my best friend since she died. It doesn't seem right. I can't talk to anyone about it. They all think I am ok now. But I am not. Everything that has happened in my entire life since i was 14 has happened from that one moment. Its like a chain of events starting with my mom saying ".......and Brittney didn't make it, baby. Im so sorry" Last month would have been her 21st Birthday. I wish she was here for mine. I want to pick up the phone and call her. I write her letters sometimes. Nothing helps. I am so good at putting on a happy face. But at night after Ryan and Brittney go to sleep I sit and think about her. That day, in the fourth grade. Wanna be my best friend? It still hurts just as bad as that first day. What stage of grief is it that you are ok with it. It still seems so unfair. She was too young. I want to know what her babies would have looked like. She was always better than me. I looked to her for what was cool. More importantly, what was right. I haven't been able to go to church in 6 years. If it was Him that took her, how could I praise Him? I hate Him. It will never make sense to me.

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