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Grief & Loss Message Board

Grief & Loss Board Index

i lost my 8 month old baby girl Siena May on 4/12/08 to what we don't know yet but it seems more and more to sids.......i was layed off from the ibew so i took care of my Siena after her mothers maternity leave was up.she made us so happy she doubled her birth weight of 3.13 lbs in the first few months,she was never sick,siena barely cried she was such a good girl.
on 4/12 i left the house to go meet a friend for lunch and to give Siena's mom some alone time with her.on my way home i called her mom to see if she wanted anything to eat.she answered the phone in a panic and said they were at the hospital,Siena had stopped breathing on her afternoon nap but she was ok now.i raced to the hospital and ran into the emergency room where my baby girl was lying lifeless doctors and nurses around that point i was told it wasn't good i was able to get right beside Siena and cry in her ear fight it baby fight it daddy is here now,it did know good the doctors told me she was gone my Siena was first reaction was to grab a pair of scissors and try to cut my wrist my baby couldn't make this journey without me she was to young,i'll leave out the rest of the details.i just can't understand why i havn't broken down since the funeral i miss her so much my brain won't even let me remember her face,all i keep thinking what if i never went out would she still be with us,did her mom do something wrong[i know she didn't] but all these thought's i think i'm going crazy.we started going to see a counciler last week but it seems things will never get better.i just feel so guilty why did i go out,why?then part of me wants to have a second baby right away to help with the hurt but then it seems so wrong my Siena deserves more time but we are both 38 and our time is running out.even this message i'm writing seems to make sense but my head is so crazy right now i don't know,,,,,,,can someone please help with the pain,i just want to cry and be able to see my Siena again in my mind...............ty Siena May's daddy

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