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Grief & Loss Message Board

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Jul 23, 2008
Hi all - my name is Sherrie, I'm 22 and recently lost my boyfriend. I guess I sought this board out to help with the daily struggles I've been facing since his death. No one in my life can really relate, no matter how hard they try, so I was hoping someone here might have had a similar experience, or at least know how painful and traumatizing this can be...

About 2 and a half months ago, my boyfriend died in his sleep of a grand mal seizure. He was not epileptic but suffered from stress-related seizures. We were together for 3 years and I had recently moved back home due to financial issues that had been going on for the past year. The stress of him thinking he'd lost me, the lack of money and abundance of bills, work, etc. caused this final seizure to take place. His seizures always happened in his sleep and after he had come to terms with what had been stressing him out.

On Thursday May 8th, something came over me and forced me to tell him how much I loved him. I reassured him we could make it through yet another bump in the road and while I may be living farther away and not sharing the same bed or apartment anymore, I was still very much there. The following day, we seemed closer than ever, although I did not even see him that day. On Saturday, when he didn't return my calls or texts, I went to check on him. On the way to his/our apartment, I called his work and learned that he did not come in that day - very unlike him. I had a friend of ours meet me at the apartment and when I let myself in, we found him lying on the floor of the bedroom. He'd been gone for about 14 hours.

The dispatcher for 911 made us move him, because she was unaware that this hadn't just happened and that he was really gone. I'd never touched, seen or smelled a dead body before, let alone one that belonged to the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

The next few days were a complete blur. I personally delivered the news to his mother and step father on Mother's Day... I had no choice. It took me an entire day to find her because he was very estranged from her for many reasons... He hadn't spoken to her in over 2 years and literally hid from her - though they only lived blocks from one another. There's a pending lawsuit with her, which is a whole different story that I can't even legally get into, but it just adds to the pain, suffering and grief that I face.

I recently started seeing a psychologist and taking Ativan before bed (although a very, very low dose). I was having flash backs and nightmares because of the trauma I went through when I found him. I've been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and suffer from panic attacks every now and again.

After one of the nightmares I recently had, I realized the reason I was having them... I blame myself for Dave's death. Had I done this or had I not done that, he would not have died that night. Now I know that fate or God or whatever you choose to believe in decided it was his time to go, and I'm not allowed to interfere with that. I just wish I had. I know that if I had been there that night, I could have saved him... he had nearly 10 seizures in the time we were together and I saved him each and every time. He only had them around me. I knew he was due for one, I knew that given the circumstances it could be any night now... The same force that made me tell him how much I loved him, basically say goodbye to him, was the same force that would not allow me to save him. It was like the thoughts were in my subconscious until after he died. Then it dawned on me that something wasn't right and I needed to go check on him.

While I can rationalize and justify the situation by saying yes I could have saved him but I know I was not supposed to, it was not part of the plan, it doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make the guilt or the blame subside whatsoever. I wish I could just go back in time and choose to go see him that night... even if he died in my arms, I would have held him one last time and he wouldn't have died alone...

Although I think my biggest issue is the blame game I've been playing with myself, I'm also having trouble deciding what it is that I want. Part of me wants to move on, find someone new even if it's only Mr. Right Now and not Mr. Right, but I know that no one right now is going to fill Dave's shoes. Part of me wants to just hide away from the world and pretend I don't exist.

Everyone has just raved about how well I've handled this and while that makes me feel great, I don't feel like I had a choice. Someone had to plan his memorial service and his mother didn't care enough to have one, so I did. I had to go back to work and face the world. I had to be their for our friends who lost just as much as I did. I had to keep going forward with my life even if it is excruciating at times. But now, I wish I had allowed myself to feel the pain when it first happened. Now I'm numb and can't feel it. I can't feel his presence like I once did, I can't cry, I can't describe my feelings or put them into words... I guess I'm frustrated, I'm angry - not that he was taken from me but that people don't seem to understand - I'm lonely even while surrounded by wonderful people who love me... I'm a million different things yet nothing at all.

Does any of this make sense or am I just babbling on like an idiot? I think I'll wrap this up now, go read through others' experiences and maybe help someone the way I hope someone can help me... if nothing else, thanks for reading :)

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