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Grief & Loss Message Board


Grief & Loss Board Index


Hello everyone, this is my first post.

I've decided to go try the internet message board route to try to deal with my grief I've been dealing with. I've found that the internet can be a great way to deal with problems in your life and relate to others dealing with the same thing, so why not give this a try too. The source of my grief is the loss of my mother when I was 5 years old. I'm 27 now, and I still routinely grieve about her absence in my life. Here's my story.

My mother was born and raised in Davison, Michigan (little town outside of Flint). My father was born and raised in Terre Haute, IN. When my father and mother got married, my mother moved down here to Indiana, which is where I was born, raised, and still live today. My mother died when I was 5 years old. My maternal grandfather, and one aunt and her children (my cousins) still live in Michigan. My grandpa still lives in Davison, and my aunt lives in northern Michigan. My father remarried when I was about 8 years old, and is still married to her today.

We just visited my grandpa and my aunt & kids this last weekend, and as usual these visits are always very hard on me. When we go up to see them, everything about my mother comes back to life for me. My grandpa has pictures all over his house of my mother when she was alive, and I get to be in the house where she used to live and grew up in. Every time I'm in that house, all sorts of memories of my childhood come back alive and as soon as I step foot in the house, usually a wave of emotions come over me.

As I said, she died when I was 5. The only memories I have of her are just brief photographic memories, but nothing of any real substance. I can't remember a single time of really connecting to her. I can't even remember her voice. I see plenty of pictures of us together, but it kills me to not be able to really remember connecting with her. Because of this I feel this huge sense of emptiness and lack of closure. I'd to anything to just be able to see her again for 5 minutes, just to tell her how much I love her and miss her. All I want to do is run to her and have her hold me in her arms. Everyone tells me that I took after her in so many ways, from looks, to personality, and everything in between. We could have been so close. She is the biggest missing piece of my soul. A huge part of me that has been missing ever since she past away.

Right now as I sit here and think of her, the pain I feel is so intense. I sit here and am yearning for her to just walk in the door, and sit down with me, but I know that will never happen when I'm on this earth. It just doesn't seem right for a little boy's mommy to be ripped away from him when he was only 5 years old. It would be different if I NEVER knew her, but I did. Right as I was reaching the point of my life whre I'd be able to really relate to her, she was taken away. Now all I'm left with are just photographic memories with very little substance. I feel so sorry for myself.

How am I supposed to deal with these feelings? She died so long ago, but I have never felt like I've gotten the closure from her death that I need. I don't know if I ever will. I have other family members that have died, but I had relationships with them as I got older. I have never felt the closure I need from my mother's death. I think it's because of the fact that I have no memories of her. I didn't attend her funeral, because I think I told my dad I didn't want to go. I remember my dad coming home and telling me that she died, and just feeling like a little boy who didn't know what hit him. That's it.

Other than that I have nothing. I'd do anything to be able to tell her I love her and how much I miss her. I just want to hear her voice, and hear her say she loves me. Don't really know what kind of responses I'm looking for. I guess to hear that someone may understand and feel the same way, it could help. Thank you for listening.

Brandon





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