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Grief & Loss Message Board


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Hi Topa,
Im so sorry for your loss. I know the fog, going through the motions and not really being able to enjoy anything around you as you are just numb...
I lost my dear sweet mother 9 years ago on the 16th June, 2000. Like you, I too tended to my mother, she was ill for a long time and ended up in hospital finally her body just gave out, and went home to die, she only lasted a week more. Her three youngest children including me (38years old at the time) were at her side, it was actually a wonderful passing, but still no matter how peaceful no matter how much prepared one might be, it doesnt take away the empty feeling and it is not something that you can put a time line to be done with the grief, as everyone is different and even now I have hard times, I miss her terribly, she was my best friend, like sisters we were, and one of the most loving wise people ive ever known.. And she is gone..... My family went in different directions, all 7 of her children were really only glued together with family gatherings and such by only one person, her, she was the hub to the wheel. We are now just starting to do things as family celibrations go.
It hasnt even been a year for you, bless you, all i can offer is my heart and a shoulder any time... My neice said to me one day, to not be selfish in my suffering, that is something that many do, as we feel either we cant talk to anyone as they wont understand or we feel that most everyone has heard it and arent interested anymore.
Hope that if the grief therapy is coming to a close that there is someone that is there that maybe you can talk with sometimes. (dont know if it a group therapy or not) All I can say is it takes time and one day you will start to do things, one day you will see life again without the empty numbness, one day you will smile again and laugh and mean it when you do. But for now, its ok to be numb and it is certainly ok for you to truly miss her. Bless you
Thank you. That is very kind of you to say and it sounds like our relationships with our mothers were similar. Before I moved to Florida to be her caregiver, I lived in California for ten years and prior to that in NY for 6. We still spoke everyday at least once a day and we would often visit each other. She would come for my birthday usually. Friday is my birthday and this week, it's all coming up. I am very emotional. I have even decided to take Friday off work because I think it will be too emotional. If I had siblings who were loving and caring, then it would be different. I knew they wouldn't be there for me, though. My mom so hoped we would be close but we were dysfunctional while she was alive and nothing has changed. If anything, there is resentment on both sides. Me for them not being there for my mom to the point that I had to move cross country to care for her because neither one of them who lived close by wanted to help her and them to me because I was so close to mom and they don't have that now. They always criticized me as being the baby, as never growing up, as being too reliant on her. How is that when I lived apart from her for 16 years? We were just close. There was a very strong bond and neither of them got it. I feel fortunate that I at least shared the special bond with my mom.

I miss her. Colleagues at work wanted to take me out for my birthday but I declined. I really don't want to be around anyone. I don't know these people very well, I work with them and I just feel that the wound is still fresh and I don't want to reveal that side of myself with them.

The bereavement group helps but sometimes, I just want to leave. I cannot deal with the pain that starts erupting in some of those sessions. I have two weeks left. It is not an ongoing thing. In fact, I have to pay for it.
Hi Topa,

We share some similarities as far as siblings go. I have some resentment towards mine because they could have done so much more for my Mom. One of them lives only 15 minutes away from her and yet only saw her maybe 3 times a year. She could call if she needed anything but still that's different than someone (like me) who tried to actually be proactive with her needs and help her without her having to ask. I would travel for hours just to do basic things. They did NOTHING. My whole life my siblings have been jealous about the bond me and my Mom have. And now that she's gone, I find myself wanting to yell at them for not doing more. They don't even care and are too self-absorbed to even notice. It was something that hurt my Mom because she always talked about wishing they would come over more. And now they come to her house a lot and always call, they talk about how we should all stay closer and so on, and I'm thinking WTH didn't they do this when she was alive.

Another thing I relate to is that my B-day is right around the corner too. It will be the first time I don't have a Mom to share it with. It's the little things I'll miss, like how she would decorate the B-Day card she'd give me or have some really creative way of wrapping a gift. There will never be anyone who loves me like my Mom did.

She just recently passed away so it's still raw. I think I'm in denial in many ways and then the reality overcomes me. The poster who asked about why you don't have a significant other struck a nerve for me because for some odd reason a few people have felt the need to remind me that my Mom will never see me settled down or with my own family. Like I don't feel bad enough that she's gone they have to throw that in too. I don't think people try to be insensitive but it happens. In reality, my Mom was divorced and knew how tough marriage could be. It's not the fantasy people make it out to be and just because you have a husband doesn't mean you have support. Regardless, in an ideal world I would have loved for her to see that but I haven't met the man who I could spend the rest of my life with. I don't think she would have wanted me to settle just so she could see it. She'd rather me wait to find who I really need forever.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I understand the fog you're in. Mine is very new and I'm scared it will keep getting worse. I'm very isolated right now and will be for a while, so it scares me. I hope you're feeling okay. I understand not wanting to go out for your B-day but maybe you should reconsider. Just go for an hour or two if you can. That's nice that your co-workers invited you. I'm not working right now so I'm basically alone. Even my best friend is getting impatient with me on the phone because she thinks I'm dwelling on things. It JUST happened though so of course I will dwell. It's hard to find support, so if you can, try to go out for your B-day.
[QUOTE=TopamaxKillsMe;4042274]Thank you. That is very kind of you to say and it sounds like our relationships with our mothers were similar. Before I moved to Florida to be her caregiver, I lived in California for ten years and prior to that in NY for 6. We still spoke everyday at least once a day and we would often visit each other. She would come for my birthday usually. Friday is my birthday and this week, it's all coming up. I am very emotional. I have even decided to take Friday off work because I think it will be too emotional. If I had siblings who were loving and caring, then it would be different. I knew they wouldn't be there for me, though. My mom so hoped we would be close but we were dysfunctional while she was alive and nothing has changed. If anything, there is resentment on both sides. Me for them not being there for my mom to the point that I had to move cross country to care for her because neither one of them who lived close by wanted to help her and them to me because I was so close to mom and they don't have that now. They always criticized me as being the baby, as never growing up, as being too reliant on her. How is that when I lived apart from her for 16 years? We were just close. There was a very strong bond and neither of them got it. I feel fortunate that I at least shared the special bond with my mom.

I miss her. Colleagues at work wanted to take me out for my birthday but I declined. I really don't want to be around anyone. I don't know these people very well, I work with them and I just feel that the wound is still fresh and I don't want to reveal that side of myself with them.

The bereavement group helps but sometimes, I just want to leave. I cannot deal with the pain that starts erupting in some of those sessions. I have two weeks left. It is not an ongoing thing. In fact, I have to pay for it.[/QUOTE]
Hi to you Top and Green,
Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing?
My neice told me the other day, "I think im finding my sunshine again, its coming back to me" She has had some huge ordeals in her life and sometimes when things get real bad she shuts everyone out, her way of keeping it closed off so she doesnt bring anyone down with her, but it only makes things worse when she does that because she stays there too long, kind of comfortably miserable. I was so please she has found the sun again, at least she is trying. Hope you too are letting the sun back in. Try not to be so hard on yourself, let others in if you can even just for a bit, and give yourself credit for you made a difference in your mothers life. Joy will return, baby steps ok.
Love and Light
Shannyk





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