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Grief & Loss Message Board


Grief & Loss Board Index


I do not really know how to start, I guess I should start with Nicole. We met in a college math class a little over a year and a half ago now. We became friends and I was interested in her from the beginning but unfortunately she was already seeing someone at the time. The semester ended and we drifted our ways until this February we found ourselves sharing another math class, differential equations this time. I saw her the first day of class and was happy and excited to see her again, I remember thinking to myself "She's still probably seeing someone else" but I decided I wanted to enjoy her company anyhow and sat next to her and said hello. Soon as class fell underway we began doing homework together in a group of friends and then eventually just ourselves together and I learned she was available and had ended her previous relationship over winter break. Armed with that knowledge we soon began dating in the month of April. I had never found someone that I had ever connected with so much and so quickly, and I do not say this simply because of the grief, I remember lying next to her and being amazed that I could feel so much for a person. I had never encountered something like this before. I had never been that happy before, and the best part was knowing how happy I could make her. We talked so much I racked up over a 200$ phone bill in May and had to change my plan so I could add her for unlimited talking. Never once did I not enjoy talking to her I loved it every time, I was always excited to talk to her, I remember her asking if she called too much and from that point I tried to make sure I called more often so she didn't feel that way. I was so happy. We made out a bucket list to finish this summer and had plans to try a 3day cruise at the end of August to finish out the summer. Neither of us had ever been on a cruise and it sounded like a great time. On July 16th I "surprised" ( I tried anyhow) her at her work, brought her favorite flowers (sunflowers), and a poem which I began to write on her car with an expo marker, (something I would do while school was in session was leave her little notes on her car). She saw me from her office window and caught me in the middle of writing the poem across the window of her car. She had gotten back from the field (She worked for the forestry department) early it was only about 3:15 and she usually didnt make it back until 4-4:30. After mocking my efforts, she brought me into her work and introduced me to some of her coworkers and we chatted for a bit while she finished up some last minute work and then took a shower at the office. That was our 3 month anniversary date. It was about 3:55 when we left the office and agreed to get some sushi for dinner before she went to meet her mother for a cake baking class she was taking. It was just up the street maybe 15minutes or so. We walked out towards the parking lot and she asked to drive my car, I had a Jeep Liberty and it was typical when we were driving both cars for her to want to drive mine. As usual I tossed her the keys, and we got on our way. She called me as we were driving out on the surface street to tease me, that was the last time I spoke to her, I just laughed and said goodbye and turned onto the freeway. A few minutes on the freeway I kept looking in my rear view mirror knowing I should see her behind me. I typically drive faster than her and I knew she got stopped by the light but I still thought I should see her behind me. I shrugged and kept driving to the sushi restaurant. I arrived at about 4:25 and waited for her. After waiting 10minutes or so I tried to call her and got no answer, and then sent her a a text at 4:37 asking what was up. 4:42 I sent another text to please call me. So I called her twice more and left a couple messages. It was very unlike her to not answer her phone. I thought she might have left her phone in her car, so I called the phone while searching the car and found nothing. I waited maybe another 30-45minutes after that and I began to get really concerned. I only thought maybe the car had broken down or maybe she got lost as we hadnt been to this place before, and her phone had died or whatever. I drove to my parents house as it was just up the street and thought she might have stopped there. I didnt find her there, so I called her mother to ask if she heard anything and she hadnt. MY Dad was home and he was good with cars so I asked him to come with me back down the freeway to see if she was on the side of the road and maybe he could help. We drove back down the route from the restaurant looking for her, and kept going and going and kept getting closer to where we got on, the traffic started to slow up and I really began to get worried, there was obviously a large accident. We were headed east bound to look for her while I had headed west bound to the restaurant, the westbound side was where the accident was. There was a large cement divider in the freeway so you could hardly see anything over the top. Eventually we got closer, I could just barely see a smashed black top of a Jeep, though you could hardly tell it was a jeep. There was a Bus and Big-rig involved in the accident. My dad pulled over next to the cement divider. I was freaking out I knew it was bad. I have never hit anything in my life, ever, not a wall, not my sister as kids, nothing. I broke my dads windshield and his camper trailer, I just wanted something else to hurt. I climbed over the divider screaming, and there was police officers and firetrucks grouped together. No one said anything to me. I didnt have to ask. Thank God she was gone when I got there. I called her mother and had to tell her. I didnt want some impersonal police officer to do it. I wanted to do what I thought Nicole would want me to do, to be the best I could for her family. I still to this day cannot believe this happened. My Jeep blew a front tire and she lost control and was knocked by the truck in front of the bus. I later spoke to a witness who was right behind her. This girl (the witness) was 22, the same age as Nicole. After the accident, the girl ran to the jeep to help her, she said she thought she was fine, as destroyed as the jeep was she was whole and complete. She was still alive at this point. The girl, Jessica, talked with her, held her hand and prayed with her when she realised Nicole couldnt move. Nicole's mother told me her neck broke in the accident from the whiplash. Nicole could still talk though, she said they prayed. And then, my baby girl, started calling for me and kept calling for me over and over and continued untill she passed away. Jessica said it was about 2-3minutes. She kept calling for me and I wasnt there, My Jeep feel apart on her and still she wanted me there. Im falling apart. I miss her so much, I love her, I never said it enough. She was 22, a premed student, wanted to be a doctor and was well on her way. Even though it certainly wasnt necessary, she wanted to get dual majors, one in Bio Chemistry for her Medical future, and one in Math simply because she enjoyed it. I never knew someone could make me that happy. I was so proud of her. And she loved me. Loves me. But I cant help but feel I killed her. I feel as if I took everything from her. And still she wanted me. I dont know how to handle this. I am still waiting on the police report to see if they had anything to say on the matter. I dont know what will happen if it shows it to be something I could prevent. But I know those tires were new, they had less than 6 thousand miles on them, so how did it blow? Its been 67 days since I lost her. And I feel as if its getting worse. I miss her so much, I love her so much. And I cant help but want to hate myself for this. I dont even know why I am writing this, I just need some help or perspective or something. How can you live with something like this? How am I supposed to live without her? I feel desperate and lost.
[QUOTE=Matt1;4083357]I do not really know how to start, I guess I should start with Nicole. We met in a college math class a little over a year and a half ago now. We became friends and I was interested in her from the beginning but unfortunately she was already seeing someone at the time. The semester ended and we drifted our ways until this February we found ourselves sharing another math class, differential equations this time. I saw her the first day of class and was happy and excited to see her again, I remember thinking to myself "She's still probably seeing someone else" but I decided I wanted to enjoy her company anyhow and sat next to her and said hello. Soon as class fell underway we began doing homework together in a group of friends and then eventually just ourselves together and I learned she was available and had ended her previous relationship over winter break. Armed with that knowledge we soon began dating in the month of April. I had never found someone that I had ever connected with so much and so quickly, and I do not say this simply because of the grief, I remember lying next to her and being amazed that I could feel so much for a person. I had never encountered something like this before. I had never been that happy before, and the best part was knowing how happy I could make her. We talked so much I racked up over a 200$ phone bill in May and had to change my plan so I could add her for unlimited talking. Never once did I not enjoy talking to her I loved it every time, I was always excited to talk to her, I remember her asking if she called too much and from that point I tried to make sure I called more often so she didn't feel that way. I was so happy. We made out a bucket list to finish this summer and had plans to try a 3day cruise at the end of August to finish out the summer. Neither of us had ever been on a cruise and it sounded like a great time. On July 16th I "surprised" ( I tried anyhow) her at her work, brought her favorite flowers (sunflowers), and a poem which I began to write on her car with an expo marker, (something I would do while school was in session was leave her little notes on her car). She saw me from her office window and caught me in the middle of writing the poem across the window of her car. She had gotten back from the field (She worked for the forestry department) early it was only about 3:15 and she usually didnt make it back until 4-4:30. After mocking my efforts, she brought me into her work and introduced me to some of her coworkers and we chatted for a bit while she finished up some last minute work and then took a shower at the office. That was our 3 month anniversary date. It was about 3:55 when we left the office and agreed to get some sushi for dinner before she went to meet her mother for a cake baking class she was taking. It was just up the street maybe 15minutes or so. We walked out towards the parking lot and she asked to drive my car, I had a Jeep Liberty and it was typical when we were driving both cars for her to want to drive mine. As usual I tossed her the keys, and we got on our way. She called me as we were driving out on the surface street to tease me, that was the last time I spoke to her, I just laughed and said goodbye and turned onto the freeway. A few minutes on the freeway I kept looking in my rear view mirror knowing I should see her behind me. I typically drive faster than her and I knew she got stopped by the light but I still thought I should see her behind me. I shrugged and kept driving to the sushi restaurant. I arrived at about 4:25 and waited for her. After waiting 10minutes or so I tried to call her and got no answer, and then sent her a a text at 4:37 asking what was up. 4:42 I sent another text to please call me. So I called her twice more and left a couple messages. It was very unlike her to not answer her phone. I thought she might have left her phone in her car, so I called the phone while searching the car and found nothing. I waited maybe another 30-45minutes after that and I began to get really concerned. I only thought maybe the car had broken down or maybe she got lost as we hadnt been to this place before, and her phone had died or whatever. I drove to my parents house as it was just up the street and thought she might have stopped there. I didnt find her there, so I called her mother to ask if she heard anything and she hadnt. MY Dad was home and he was good with cars so I asked him to come with me back down the freeway to see if she was on the side of the road and maybe he could help. We drove back down the route from the restaurant looking for her, and kept going and going and kept getting closer to where we got on, the traffic started to slow up and I really began to get worried, there was obviously a large accident. We were headed east bound to look for her while I had headed west bound to the restaurant, the westbound side was where the accident was. There was a large cement divider in the freeway so you could hardly see anything over the top. Eventually we got closer, I could just barely see a smashed black top of a Jeep, though you could hardly tell it was a jeep. There was a Bus and Big-rig involved in the accident. My dad pulled over next to the cement divider. I was freaking out I knew it was bad. I have never hit anything in my life, ever, not a wall, not my sister as kids, nothing. I broke my dads windshield and his camper trailer, I just wanted something else to hurt. I climbed over the divider screaming, and there was police officers and firetrucks grouped together. No one said anything to me. I didnt have to ask. Thank God she was gone when I got there. I called her mother and had to tell her. I didnt want some impersonal police officer to do it. I wanted to do what I thought Nicole would want me to do, to be the best I could for her family. I still to this day cannot believe this happened. My Jeep blew a front tire and she lost control and was knocked by the truck in front of the bus. I later spoke to a witness who was right behind her. This girl (the witness) was 22, the same age as Nicole. After the accident, the girl ran to the jeep to help her, she said she thought she was fine, as destroyed as the jeep was she was whole and complete. She was still alive at this point. The girl, Jessica, talked with her, held her hand and prayed with her when she realised Nicole couldnt move. Nicole's mother told me her neck broke in the accident from the whiplash. Nicole could still talk though, she said they prayed. And then, my baby girl, started calling for me and kept calling for me over and over and continued untill she passed away. Jessica said it was about 2-3minutes. She kept calling for me and I wasnt there, My Jeep feel apart on her and still she wanted me there. Im falling apart. I miss her so much, I love her, I never said it enough. She was 22, a premed student, wanted to be a doctor and was well on her way. Even though it certainly wasnt necessary, she wanted to get dual majors, one in Bio Chemistry for her Medical future, and one in Math simply because she enjoyed it. I never knew someone could make me that happy. I was so proud of her. And she loved me. Loves me. But I cant help but feel I killed her. I feel as if I took everything from her. And still she wanted me. I dont know how to handle this. I am still waiting on the police report to see if they had anything to say on the matter. I dont know what will happen if it shows it to be something I could prevent. But I know those tires were new, they had less than 6 thousand miles on them, so how did it blow? Its been 67 days since I lost her. And I feel as if its getting worse. I miss her so much, I love her so much. And I cant help but want to hate myself for this. I dont even know why I am writing this, I just need some help or perspective or something. How can you live with something like this? How am I supposed to live without her? I feel desperate and lost.[/QUOTE]


Hey Matt, I have just read your post and your love story with Nicole and ill tell you it is one of the saddest stories ive ever heard!! I wanted to reply to this thread just to see how you are doing. I know I am a stranger but I believe we all need someone to talk to once in a while, to have someone that cares to check up on us. I dont know why this happened but just try to be happy and think about how much she loves you, not loved but loves b/c I know she is watching you down from heaven missing, thinking and caring about you. Whether you find somebody else or not like her, always know that she brought a beautiful meaning to your life. I came across this b/c my gf of 4 yrs has just broken up with me a few hours ago and I feel really depressed I just googled i lost my gf, and your story came up. However your situation is far more sad than mine and I feel for you man, and just know that its not your fault, who knows why that happened with the car. I hope your doing a bit better and I wish you my deepest condolence and sympathy and for sure keep checking in with her family from time to time. Take care buddy
I'm sorry for your loss, and I am able to relate. 2 months ago, I lost my girlfriend of 8 years, and the love of my life. I'm 33, she was 48. When we got together, I was 25, she was 40. I'd had a HUGE crush on her from the moment I saw her at the Ford dealership where we both worked. She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, I figured a woman like that, was way out of my league, and must have a big, muscular, rich, well endowed husband. She knew who I was, but barely just through after work get togethers we'd both be at, which I go out of my way to attend if I knew she'd be there, and found out she wasn't married, but was dating a guy from the accounting department, and he made good money. I left the dealership to pursue my career in E.M.S., I went to an ambulance transport company. About 2 years later, I was sent out to do an M.R.I. transport, and when I walked in the room, there was Joy(her name). She was there with her dad who was to be my patient. My jaw must've hit the floor. I was single, and was trying to pick up his nurse, and she shot me down, so just as I was about to walk out of the room, I mustered every ounce of my courage and asked her out. We got together that night, and it was instant fireworks. Not only was she the most beautiful woman in the World to me, but I quickly discovered she was the ultimate woman and lover, she was classy, reserved, sexy, well moraled, heart of Gold, FAITHFUL to the core. She'd been pregnant and married at 16, and had 2 sons just a few years younger than me, she'd lived in Cape Coral, a wealthy area here in FL. Her husband of 18 years had struggled with drug and alcohol addiction for years, but she'd stuck by him, their marriage was just about over when he killed himself. It wrecked her World. But she worked through it, worked, raised her 2 boys alone, and also got to go out and live and learn since she hadn't got to do that through her teens and 20's. She learned how to become a woman, did her share of dating and such. When she moved up to New Port Richey,FL., she'd had A serious relationship that ended, the the man from Ford before me, and had been single for 9 months. All of the events and experiences she'd had in life had prepared her and seasoned her to be perfect, for me. Anyways, once we got together, it was almost immediately apparent that we were meant to be. She obviously was the ultimate woman in every way to me, and she quickly made it clear and apparent that I was the greatest man and lover she'd EVER had. After a short period of casual hook ups, we made it an official relationship. I'd recently gotten hired on at my city Fire Dept., and was in Paramedic school, but also was finding my enjoyment of prescription pain killers. Joy was no longer working, she'd had a back injury, and opted for surgery that wasn't successful, and was now on disability. She had a prescription for Vicodin, but I was getting into the harder stuff. Now for the worst part, I introduced her in to them. They essentially ruined my only 2 year in career at the Fire Dept., and that caused depression, which made me use even more. She was using too, but kept it very controlled. I didnt, and it caused financial problems between us, so I had to move to my mom's house. We stayed together, but she told me I'd have to straighten up if I wanted to move back in. I didn't, so we had problems, and on and off seperations, though we were never really seperated. She'd do it when she got frustrated at me and to scare me. I ended up getting in to intravenous use, and of course followed, she'd gotten in a situation, were she got banged up, and when I couldn't find what she usually used, I'd said, I can get what I do (Diluadid), but you know how I do it. She let me put that first needle in her skin(worst decision of my life) and off we were. I ended up getting in to some trouble and knew I'd be doing some short jail time. The morning of my sentencing, we both agreed, we were both doing our last pill, I obviously was getting clean, the hard way, in jail, and she was doing it with me while I was in. Well, 3 months later, I came out clean, healthy, back in shape, but she hadn't quit. I got back to work as a mechanic, and we continued in our very loving, VERY PASSIONATE relationship. We were an awesome couple, a beautiful couple, I saw guys checking her out, and giving me the, lucky s.o.b. look, and now it was me staying on her to quit. Well she didnt. She got worse, she got discharged out of her pain clinic, and was now always broke feeding her addiction, and I was always broke too, helping her, I couldnt have my Joy Baby dopesick, and if she didnt have her daily dose, she'd be laying in bed, going through it, and we couldnt do the couples thing, especially not sex, which was the cement of our relationship, and A 45 year old hottie loves her sex, and so did I. She had this shady life, that I knew about, but she tried to keep it out of my site, and wouldnt let me officially move back in, she was terrified I'd start using again. Well, it just stayed that bad, her arms getting tore up, from being a hard stick, less doing things, going out, making love. So, Valentine's day this year(2014) I'd bought her a few pills so she could function, we had a nice evening, come home made love (I went above and beyond our normal, she was so satisfied, she asked if I'd had someone teaching me new tricks, nope, she was just that into it, and we were that good). And I had the talk with her, about how bad she was, and how worried I was, because she wasnt going to her primary, for check ups, and her thyroid, she had hyperthyroidism, and was not keeping up with her daily med. I made it clear to her that I was still madly in love with her, and I'd told her several times over the years that I could never lose her, because I could not make it through this World without her. I needed her. And I told her I was become so scared that one day I was gonna get "the phone call", and she need to at the very least, back down to at least oxycodone 30mg (blues) and go back to snorting, and stop shooting. She was crying, saying how she knew she needed to stop, she could see the drugs taking their toll on her body, and starting to age her. (at 40, everone thought she was 33, was the highest guess we ever got, at 45, still being guessed at 35, now at 48, with all the using, she was looking 40, still smoking hot, but still), making her broke, tearing her life and our relationship apart. I said I'll do anything to help you babe. That was a friday, the 14th. I got laid off Monday the 17th. On thursday the 27th, I was broke, but got someone to give me a Dilaudid, which I took to her, because she was at home, dope sick, and I hadn't seen her in a few days because of that. She did it, but she was also actual sick, so she didnt want to anything, eat, make love, she laid back down, looking ill, coughing, etc. If we didnt see each other, we would always call each other every night, and say our g'nite, I love you's, even if we were mad, fighting, we ALWAYS said I love you every night. Tuesday, March 4, her phone had been shut off sometime after the last time I talked to her that day and 10p.m. when I called to say our thing. I couldnt sleep, something told me to just go over and say gnite in person, or stay the night, but I had barely any gas, and no $ to get her a pill, so I knew she'd be dope sick and cranky, and I knew I'd have $ the next day, so I figured I'd wait. But I COULD NOT SLEEP! Wed morning, the 5th, I was getting ready to go do a lil side work, at about 10a.m., my phone rang. It was her younger son Pat 28 years old. I thought it was her calling from his phone, it was not. "Jim. It's Pat. I just called Mike,(his older brother), and now I had to call you, my mom just passed away." "What? C'mon Pat." (sobbing) "She just passed away, I went to go get a cigarette, and she was just laying there, stuff coming out of her nose, I called 911, they said she was too gone." The M.E. is coming to get her". I can't describe the feeling, I obviously know you know it. The sickening, painful acid in your stomach, the rock in your throat. Warp speed to her house. Pat and Mike are there. M.E. clears it as a crime scene. They bring her out, already in the body bag, flipped down to her chest. I put my hand on her cheek, kiss her lips, forehead. "Oh baby why? What did you do? I love you, I love you so much, I'll never forget you, but I can't make it through this World without you." I fall to my knees, you know the drill the wailing, crying, snot, bawling as they close the bag and take her away. They give me the Thomas Kincaid necklace she's always wore. Here I am, 3 months later, the love of my life, and the absolutely HOTTEST, sexiest, best woman in every way I could've dreamed of, and had as mine for almost 8 years. Every day gets worse for me. I cant sleep, when I do, she's there, and I'm awoken with stabbing pain as reality hits. I fell back in to using the day she died, the only coping mechanism I knew. Now a 33 year old, career gone, out of shape(she kept the body of a swimsuit model, and never worked out a day in her life) out of work, stuck in my mom's ******, hoarded up, single wide trailer. She was the best thing to ever happen to me, the last, but most important part of my once awesome life, now she's gone. Everyone's giving the, it's just gonna take time, you'll find someone else when it's time, everything happens for a reason, when 1 door closes, another 1 opens. It's all ******** to me. Time is just making it worse, I don't want anyone else, and I'm terrified of even trying to start over, she found me perfect, even the things that are not perfect to me, things I know I could use a little help with, flaws, insecurities, she loved all of me, not anyone else will the way she did. Anyone else will just be a runner up, and not a close one. I'm being told to go to a grieving support group, why? So peolpe can tell me they know what I'm going through? No, they don't. They dont know I lost a woman that might have even been part Goddess, or a Goddess in a previous life. A guy like me doesn't get a woman like Joy, it was some weird glitch in life, like I hit the lottery of Love. I know I didnt make her keep using, but I'm damn sure the reason she started. I think of her every minute of every day. I can't even think of playing a guitar, she loved when I played, especially to her. So many songs have me pulling over because I break down in tears. I know she'd want me to not be sad, to move on and find happiness again. I can't she was my happiness. If it was me, she could move on on easily find someone to replace me. She' a smoking hot, especially for her age, 48 year old woman, it's not that easy for me. And the pressure is on the guys, all she had to do that first nght of intimacy was lay back and enjoy, and see if I was able to do the trick. It's up to the man to perform well, she just had to enjoy it if done right. I'd be terrified to be intimate with a stranger now. I knew every inch of her body, and our souls were entwined as well. Believe me, I feel desperate and lost too, that's just 2 of the thousands of things a feel. Part of me just wants to join her, if that's even true, Actually most of me wants to join her, but I just can't do it to myself, so I'm stuck here alive, without her, don't wanna be, but am, supposed to try and move on, but don't feel like it. Move on to what? Nothing worth it to me. She was my everything, my reason to live. I don't even know what to say. If you'd like to see the Goddess that I lost, my Facebook page is my name, Jim McCormick, New Port Richey, FL. My pic is a pic of her and I, the day we became official. Maybe you found some kind of answer you can give me, if you even read this, and all the way to this point. I know people, who don't live life at all, the guy I'm kinda working for, A 67 year old, crazy old man, ridden with mental illness, probably dementia, but all he knows in life are the pianos we repair. He's never had a woman, or sex, he's a space cadet, has no friends, lives in the shop we work at, only person he talks to but me is his 96 year old Aunt, Eays nothing but egg whites, grilled chicken breast and vegatables, EVERYDAY! Will eat nothing else. How does this crazy old man, who's NEVER had a life, or experienced life in ANY way, get tolive, but my Joy, who was full of life, even with her vise, has kids, a man, a great relationship and sex life, friends, like by everyone gets taken away at 48? It's unfair ********, and I just can't take it, but have no choice. IDK.





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