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Grief & Loss Message Board


Grief & Loss Board Index


I do not really know how to start, I guess I should start with Nicole. We met in a college math class a little over a year and a half ago now. We became friends and I was interested in her from the beginning but unfortunately she was already seeing someone at the time. The semester ended and we drifted our ways until this February we found ourselves sharing another math class, differential equations this time. I saw her the first day of class and was happy and excited to see her again, I remember thinking to myself "She's still probably seeing someone else" but I decided I wanted to enjoy her company anyhow and sat next to her and said hello. Soon as class fell underway we began doing homework together in a group of friends and then eventually just ourselves together and I learned she was available and had ended her previous relationship over winter break. Armed with that knowledge we soon began dating in the month of April. I had never found someone that I had ever connected with so much and so quickly, and I do not say this simply because of the grief, I remember lying next to her and being amazed that I could feel so much for a person. I had never encountered something like this before. I had never been that happy before, and the best part was knowing how happy I could make her. We talked so much I racked up over a 200$ phone bill in May and had to change my plan so I could add her for unlimited talking. Never once did I not enjoy talking to her I loved it every time, I was always excited to talk to her, I remember her asking if she called too much and from that point I tried to make sure I called more often so she didn't feel that way. I was so happy. We made out a bucket list to finish this summer and had plans to try a 3day cruise at the end of August to finish out the summer. Neither of us had ever been on a cruise and it sounded like a great time. On July 16th I "surprised" ( I tried anyhow) her at her work, brought her favorite flowers (sunflowers), and a poem which I began to write on her car with an expo marker, (something I would do while school was in session was leave her little notes on her car). She saw me from her office window and caught me in the middle of writing the poem across the window of her car. She had gotten back from the field (She worked for the forestry department) early it was only about 3:15 and she usually didnt make it back until 4-4:30. After mocking my efforts, she brought me into her work and introduced me to some of her coworkers and we chatted for a bit while she finished up some last minute work and then took a shower at the office. That was our 3 month anniversary date. It was about 3:55 when we left the office and agreed to get some sushi for dinner before she went to meet her mother for a cake baking class she was taking. It was just up the street maybe 15minutes or so. We walked out towards the parking lot and she asked to drive my car, I had a Jeep Liberty and it was typical when we were driving both cars for her to want to drive mine. As usual I tossed her the keys, and we got on our way. She called me as we were driving out on the surface street to tease me, that was the last time I spoke to her, I just laughed and said goodbye and turned onto the freeway. A few minutes on the freeway I kept looking in my rear view mirror knowing I should see her behind me. I typically drive faster than her and I knew she got stopped by the light but I still thought I should see her behind me. I shrugged and kept driving to the sushi restaurant. I arrived at about 4:25 and waited for her. After waiting 10minutes or so I tried to call her and got no answer, and then sent her a a text at 4:37 asking what was up. 4:42 I sent another text to please call me. So I called her twice more and left a couple messages. It was very unlike her to not answer her phone. I thought she might have left her phone in her car, so I called the phone while searching the car and found nothing. I waited maybe another 30-45minutes after that and I began to get really concerned. I only thought maybe the car had broken down or maybe she got lost as we hadnt been to this place before, and her phone had died or whatever. I drove to my parents house as it was just up the street and thought she might have stopped there. I didnt find her there, so I called her mother to ask if she heard anything and she hadnt. MY Dad was home and he was good with cars so I asked him to come with me back down the freeway to see if she was on the side of the road and maybe he could help. We drove back down the route from the restaurant looking for her, and kept going and going and kept getting closer to where we got on, the traffic started to slow up and I really began to get worried, there was obviously a large accident. We were headed east bound to look for her while I had headed west bound to the restaurant, the westbound side was where the accident was. There was a large cement divider in the freeway so you could hardly see anything over the top. Eventually we got closer, I could just barely see a smashed black top of a Jeep, though you could hardly tell it was a jeep. There was a Bus and Big-rig involved in the accident. My dad pulled over next to the cement divider. I was freaking out I knew it was bad. I have never hit anything in my life, ever, not a wall, not my sister as kids, nothing. I broke my dads windshield and his camper trailer, I just wanted something else to hurt. I climbed over the divider screaming, and there was police officers and firetrucks grouped together. No one said anything to me. I didnt have to ask. Thank God she was gone when I got there. I called her mother and had to tell her. I didnt want some impersonal police officer to do it. I wanted to do what I thought Nicole would want me to do, to be the best I could for her family. I still to this day cannot believe this happened. My Jeep blew a front tire and she lost control and was knocked by the truck in front of the bus. I later spoke to a witness who was right behind her. This girl (the witness) was 22, the same age as Nicole. After the accident, the girl ran to the jeep to help her, she said she thought she was fine, as destroyed as the jeep was she was whole and complete. She was still alive at this point. The girl, Jessica, talked with her, held her hand and prayed with her when she realised Nicole couldnt move. Nicole's mother told me her neck broke in the accident from the whiplash. Nicole could still talk though, she said they prayed. And then, my baby girl, started calling for me and kept calling for me over and over and continued untill she passed away. Jessica said it was about 2-3minutes. She kept calling for me and I wasnt there, My Jeep feel apart on her and still she wanted me there. Im falling apart. I miss her so much, I love her, I never said it enough. She was 22, a premed student, wanted to be a doctor and was well on her way. Even though it certainly wasnt necessary, she wanted to get dual majors, one in Bio Chemistry for her Medical future, and one in Math simply because she enjoyed it. I never knew someone could make me that happy. I was so proud of her. And she loved me. Loves me. But I cant help but feel I killed her. I feel as if I took everything from her. And still she wanted me. I dont know how to handle this. I am still waiting on the police report to see if they had anything to say on the matter. I dont know what will happen if it shows it to be something I could prevent. But I know those tires were new, they had less than 6 thousand miles on them, so how did it blow? Its been 67 days since I lost her. And I feel as if its getting worse. I miss her so much, I love her so much. And I cant help but want to hate myself for this. I dont even know why I am writing this, I just need some help or perspective or something. How can you live with something like this? How am I supposed to live without her? I feel desperate and lost.
[QUOTE=Matt1;4083384]Thank you for responding. I am just hurting so much right now. I feel as if I am losing my mind. I have classes starting in 3 days again, I have no Idea how I am supposed to get through the days. I hate every morning that I wake up. As much as I did not know I could love someone so much, I could not fathom I could be hurt this much. And to make it worse, I barely had her for any real length of time, as bad as it is for me I can not imagine her family's pain. She had a younger sister and 2 older brothers. It breaks my heart every time I see her mother, they look very similar. And I know as much as anyone there's absolutely nothing anyone can do to ease the pain, and i wish I could help. But I cant.[/QUOTE]

im so sorry. and no there is nothing we can say or do to take the pain away. i lost my only son at the age of 26 through sucidide 10 years ago. i can relate with her mom so well. think of this. you did have her for a short time. its better to have than not to had her at all. thats what iv told myself for 10 years now. also m;y husband pass last Nov. he was the love of my life. my heart just aches for you. you need to talk and more talk, my hubby kept it in for 2 years after our son pass. and he had a break down. so please talk to someone and let this pain. out. dont keep it inside. you are young and you have experience dealth too early . she will always be in your heart honey and no body can take that away from you. please keep in touch and you writing on this board will help you. it has me. take care a friend in North Carolina faye:angel::angel::wave::wave:
[QUOTE=Matt1;4083357]I do not really know how to start, I guess I should start with Nicole. We met in a college math class a little over a year and a half ago now. We became friends and I was interested in her from the beginning but unfortunately she was already seeing someone at the time. The semester ended and we drifted our ways until this February we found ourselves sharing another math class, differential equations this time. I saw her the first day of class and was happy and excited to see her again, I remember thinking to myself "She's still probably seeing someone else" but I decided I wanted to enjoy her company anyhow and sat next to her and said hello. Soon as class fell underway we began doing homework together in a group of friends and then eventually just ourselves together and I learned she was available and had ended her previous relationship over winter break. Armed with that knowledge we soon began dating in the month of April. I had never found someone that I had ever connected with so much and so quickly, and I do not say this simply because of the grief, I remember lying next to her and being amazed that I could feel so much for a person. I had never encountered something like this before. I had never been that happy before, and the best part was knowing how happy I could make her. We talked so much I racked up over a 200$ phone bill in May and had to change my plan so I could add her for unlimited talking. Never once did I not enjoy talking to her I loved it every time, I was always excited to talk to her, I remember her asking if she called too much and from that point I tried to make sure I called more often so she didn't feel that way. I was so happy. We made out a bucket list to finish this summer and had plans to try a 3day cruise at the end of August to finish out the summer. Neither of us had ever been on a cruise and it sounded like a great time. On July 16th I "surprised" ( I tried anyhow) her at her work, brought her favorite flowers (sunflowers), and a poem which I began to write on her car with an expo marker, (something I would do while school was in session was leave her little notes on her car). She saw me from her office window and caught me in the middle of writing the poem across the window of her car. She had gotten back from the field (She worked for the forestry department) early it was only about 3:15 and she usually didnt make it back until 4-4:30. After mocking my efforts, she brought me into her work and introduced me to some of her coworkers and we chatted for a bit while she finished up some last minute work and then took a shower at the office. That was our 3 month anniversary date. It was about 3:55 when we left the office and agreed to get some sushi for dinner before she went to meet her mother for a cake baking class she was taking. It was just up the street maybe 15minutes or so. We walked out towards the parking lot and she asked to drive my car, I had a Jeep Liberty and it was typical when we were driving both cars for her to want to drive mine. As usual I tossed her the keys, and we got on our way. She called me as we were driving out on the surface street to tease me, that was the last time I spoke to her, I just laughed and said goodbye and turned onto the freeway. A few minutes on the freeway I kept looking in my rear view mirror knowing I should see her behind me. I typically drive faster than her and I knew she got stopped by the light but I still thought I should see her behind me. I shrugged and kept driving to the sushi restaurant. I arrived at about 4:25 and waited for her. After waiting 10minutes or so I tried to call her and got no answer, and then sent her a a text at 4:37 asking what was up. 4:42 I sent another text to please call me. So I called her twice more and left a couple messages. It was very unlike her to not answer her phone. I thought she might have left her phone in her car, so I called the phone while searching the car and found nothing. I waited maybe another 30-45minutes after that and I began to get really concerned. I only thought maybe the car had broken down or maybe she got lost as we hadnt been to this place before, and her phone had died or whatever. I drove to my parents house as it was just up the street and thought she might have stopped there. I didnt find her there, so I called her mother to ask if she heard anything and she hadnt. MY Dad was home and he was good with cars so I asked him to come with me back down the freeway to see if she was on the side of the road and maybe he could help. We drove back down the route from the restaurant looking for her, and kept going and going and kept getting closer to where we got on, the traffic started to slow up and I really began to get worried, there was obviously a large accident. We were headed east bound to look for her while I had headed west bound to the restaurant, the westbound side was where the accident was. There was a large cement divider in the freeway so you could hardly see anything over the top. Eventually we got closer, I could just barely see a smashed black top of a Jeep, though you could hardly tell it was a jeep. There was a Bus and Big-rig involved in the accident. My dad pulled over next to the cement divider. I was freaking out I knew it was bad. I have never hit anything in my life, ever, not a wall, not my sister as kids, nothing. I broke my dads windshield and his camper trailer, I just wanted something else to hurt. I climbed over the divider screaming, and there was police officers and firetrucks grouped together. No one said anything to me. I didnt have to ask. Thank God she was gone when I got there. I called her mother and had to tell her. I didnt want some impersonal police officer to do it. I wanted to do what I thought Nicole would want me to do, to be the best I could for her family. I still to this day cannot believe this happened. My Jeep blew a front tire and she lost control and was knocked by the truck in front of the bus. I later spoke to a witness who was right behind her. This girl (the witness) was 22, the same age as Nicole. After the accident, the girl ran to the jeep to help her, she said she thought she was fine, as destroyed as the jeep was she was whole and complete. She was still alive at this point. The girl, Jessica, talked with her, held her hand and prayed with her when she realised Nicole couldnt move. Nicole's mother told me her neck broke in the accident from the whiplash. Nicole could still talk though, she said they prayed. And then, my baby girl, started calling for me and kept calling for me over and over and continued untill she passed away. Jessica said it was about 2-3minutes. She kept calling for me and I wasnt there, My Jeep feel apart on her and still she wanted me there. Im falling apart. I miss her so much, I love her, I never said it enough. She was 22, a premed student, wanted to be a doctor and was well on her way. Even though it certainly wasnt necessary, she wanted to get dual majors, one in Bio Chemistry for her Medical future, and one in Math simply because she enjoyed it. I never knew someone could make me that happy. I was so proud of her. And she loved me. Loves me. But I cant help but feel I killed her. I feel as if I took everything from her. And still she wanted me. I dont know how to handle this. I am still waiting on the police report to see if they had anything to say on the matter. I dont know what will happen if it shows it to be something I could prevent. But I know those tires were new, they had less than 6 thousand miles on them, so how did it blow? Its been 67 days since I lost her. And I feel as if its getting worse. I miss her so much, I love her so much. And I cant help but want to hate myself for this. I dont even know why I am writing this, I just need some help or perspective or something. How can you live with something like this? How am I supposed to live without her? I feel desperate and lost.[/QUOTE]


Hey Matt, I have just read your post and your love story with Nicole and ill tell you it is one of the saddest stories ive ever heard!! I wanted to reply to this thread just to see how you are doing. I know I am a stranger but I believe we all need someone to talk to once in a while, to have someone that cares to check up on us. I dont know why this happened but just try to be happy and think about how much she loves you, not loved but loves b/c I know she is watching you down from heaven missing, thinking and caring about you. Whether you find somebody else or not like her, always know that she brought a beautiful meaning to your life. I came across this b/c my gf of 4 yrs has just broken up with me a few hours ago and I feel really depressed I just googled i lost my gf, and your story came up. However your situation is far more sad than mine and I feel for you man, and just know that its not your fault, who knows why that happened with the car. I hope your doing a bit better and I wish you my deepest condolence and sympathy and for sure keep checking in with her family from time to time. Take care buddy





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