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Grief & Loss Message Board

Grief & Loss Board Index

17 months ago, I lost my sweet daughter to SIDS. She was five weeks old when she died, and would be 19 months old now. I was the one who found her, and performed CPR on her, knowing that she was already gone.

I did better with my grief the first year, than I am now. I think I was numb, only allowing myself to feel enough to go through some motions, but never fully dived into it. On what would have been her first birthday, I delivered my son. They were both born eight weeks early, so having him was a BIG trigger for me. The first year I would have a few days filled with overwhelming grief--sadness, anger, depression. Then I would have a few days where I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. My days would make 'okay' status on occasion. For the last few months though (actually, about 7 months), I have been in such days are consistantly bad. I wake up crying, I fall asleep crying, and there's not a lot of breaks from the tears throughout the day. I'm having more nightmares and flashbacks from the morning I found her, than I have the entire time. Every little thing sets me off anymore....and I'm not able to find a relief from the depression. I have four little ones to take care of, and it's taking everything out of me just to function-let alone, be a wife and mother. I am going through counseling, am on Zoloft, and also taking a grief recovery class....but I feel like I'm going no where but deeper and deeper. Does this ever get easier? I am miserable...I don't know what I'm doing that is making this so difficult. I just feel hollow...and like I'm hanging on by a frayed thread. This is horrible!
I am so sorry for your loss,and have been told by a mother that the sorrow of losing a teen age boy (to taking his life) will be forever. I also have someone who helps with my housekeeping tasks.She is a dear friend,whom I've known her entiire
life.She had a stillborn,and it has been six years,and she is coping,but she knows that her precious one is in heaven.I lost my wife of many,many years,and know that some day,I will be able to go on.I take an anxiety med called Ativan which
is very helpful.You would get the generic; (Lorazapam).I only need it once in a while,but I am convinced that it is the best.I also take Paxil(controlled release a
must)every day.I take 37.5 mg. of it,the same dosage as my relative,who is a female and weighs 100 pounds less than me.Paxil is for depression.These are my tools,and hope that they would be yours,in our quest for "peace of mind". Best
of luck...Bill

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