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Re: I'm numb
Oct 12, 2009
I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

[QUOTE=Nightmare21;4096600]I’m still numb. I don’t really feel much of anything right now. She left no note and left so many unanswered questions. I feel bad because I don't feel anything. I was devastated, crying uncontrolably when we got word of her suicide. But now I feel nothing.


...I feel guilty not feeling more sad about this. I [B]should[/B] be feeling something. Anything.[/QUOTE]

The word [B]should [/B]is the basis of the guilt you are feeling. It sounds like you have a high expectation on yourself that you are not meeting. Are you placing the expectations of others upon yourself?

[QUOTE=Nightmare21;4096600]Even my boss was shocked that I returned so quickly.[/QUOTE]

There is nothing wrong with the way you feel at any given moment. Don't [I]expect [/I]to feel a certain way because of comments other people might make or they way you view other people dealing with death. It's okay to feel what you feel.

It is very understandable that you would be numb after such a traumatic experience. There still could be traces of shock or denial (as was previously mentioned). Everyone is different, and where ever you are emotionally, that is where you are supposed to be at this moment. That is tangible. That will help you deal with your real feelings.

Possibly, there will be other feelings beside extreme hurt, sadness, and devastation (that you've already experienced) but just because you are not feeling those feelings as strongly at the moment, doesn't mean that your grieving process is over. Don't be surprised if you feel angry, at some point. If that arises, talk about it. Even if you feel angry, it doesn't mean you don't love someone and don't miss them. You have a right to feel anything... even anger.

Sadly, this was your daughter's decision. If she had clearly asked for help, I assuredly assume that you and your husband would have gone to the ends of the Earth to be of assistance. Don't blame yourself.

My brother's first wife took her own life when she was in her late 20's. There were obvious signs that she was headed in that direction. Problems as you have mentioned: alcohol, (possible drugs), depression, and an eating disorder. It was a rollercoaster ride for several years. Help was offered to her - sometimes accepted, sometimes rejected. She checked herself out of a treatment facility - without the staff calling my brother. (We're still unsure how that happened.) That same day, she visited one of his friends, posing to buy a gun that was for sale. Not knowing the condition she was in, he loaded the gun and handed it to her - then she commited suicide.

It's hard to understand why people kill themselves and I'm certain there is more than one single reason, but the people that are left behind also handle it differently. My sister-in-law's oldest daughter was 9 years old (now 25) and I don't think I have ever heard her mention anything about it. We don't want to push the issue - we just let her deal with it in her own way, letting her know we would listen. Her youngest daughter was 4, and there were many, many nights of crying to sleep and even today there are unanswered questions and moments of sadness. Me personally, I am matter-of-fact. I still have emotions but my grieving times are usually brief. My wife lost her father three months ago after years of sickness and decline. She is still grieving and honestly, I don't know when it will end for her. I said all of that to say this... You are not alone. We are all different and yet we are all the same. <><





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