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Grief & Loss Message Board

Grief & Loss Board Index

Well, its been 4 years since my Mikey decided to accept the invitation of the heavenly angels. I have no idea why mentally this year seems to be the hardest.

My kids don't feel like cleaning up the house saying they're too busy (and they are with working and finishing up their college lives). I have no energy and really don't even care if X-mas decorations go up or not. I refuse to clean up the house just to mess it up with all the crap from the attic for 4 weeks worth of viewing

Mikey was Mr. Christmas -- this was his favorite holiday. I am giving family money this year (nominal amts, a lot lower than in previous years) because I don't know if I'll still be employed next year and my money isn't plentiful. Life insurance practically all gone now for all tense and purposes.

Before anyone says "you are depressed" the answer is, I recognize that. But the depression doesn't interfer with my functioning. i've been to a wonderful grief group shortly after Mikey died and I also had private 1 on 1 grief counseling. I still get up and go to to work each and every day. I still am dating a very sweet, wonderful guy, and extremely happy that my son is due to graduate with his full degree and my daughter will be getting her Associates -- both in the Education fields. Their accomplishments are entirely on their own accord. With Mikey's passing 7 weeks before my daughter graduated high school, their college was entirely paid for -- in full -- through their own hard work and perserverance. No student loans, no massive debt. Hard work yes, sense of accomplishment -- not that they feel it right now but I know in the future they will.

So why is year 4 so different? Why is it apparently feeling worse than year 1 Will year 5, be worse or better?

I guess I don't really want an answer to this observation. I'm just venting but its funny. My husband was very, very sick. My prayers bounce between wanting him to be okay and happy to praying that God end his suffering and make him happy in heaven.

Each breath I ever took was taken in the world of 'what can I do to make him happy today, to make his day better, to show him that I love him, love our lives, loved our family and friends". I do this everyday with my kids "what can I do to ease their burden, today -- right now" and I go through my day thinking "what can I do to help (boyfriend) and his life. Making it better, more mentally healthy and happy, so he'll know that I love him and I care deeply for him as well. He lost his wife in 2001 and so he was in a better mental place than I was when we met.

So dear friends -- Year 4? Why the difference? Stress of employment iffy, Stress of kids coming to a close on their education? Stress of life?

Did anyone else go through this?

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