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Grief & Loss Message Board

Grief & Loss Board Index

My mother died from a brain tumor when I had just turned 7 years old. I remember she had really bad headaches at first, then she began to have seizures. Her head would turn around, as if it was going to spin all the way, and she couldn't turn it back until the seizure was over. This was 63 years ago. In those days seizures were called "fits" Eventually she had to go into the hospital to have an operation to remove the tumor. I was not allowed to visit her because of my age. My mother and father were not married, I saw my father so seldom that I couldn't even remember what he looked like. He did not live in the state that we lived in. When my mother was in the hospital, I remember he came and took me to his mother's house, and that is where I was when my mother died. During those days they had the body lie in state at home. I came back home to my mother's body lying in a casket in the living room, with a lamp at either end. I was glad that my father was there, because everyone else was so grief stricken that nobody took time to talk to me or see how I was feeling. Every now and then someone would look at me and say "poor little thing." I was glad that my father was there, but I really didn't know him. I just felt alone, and I began to withdraw. My grandparents had adopted my older cousin because her mother was an alcoholic. My other two first cousins had a mother and a father, although at times they lived with my grandmother. I thought that my father's girlfriend would be my new mother, and I thought my father would be more responsible, instead he took advantage of my need for love and affection and he abused me starting at an early age. I Still only saw him every few years. I became more withdrawn, they called it bashful, but I just didn't talk because I didn't want people to know what was going on, and what my life was like. The death of my mother, and the abuse by my father has affected me all of my life. My father's family while they cared for me, I was not a legitimate child, so therefore they acknowledged me, but I was not accepted nor treated like the legitimate children. I also believe that they knew what my father was doing to me, but never intervened. My grandparents who raised me, loved me, but my grandmother seemed to love me because my mother was her favorite child. So, it was always "because I loved your mother so much." I began to feel unlovable. I always felt that I had to earn love, not that I deserved it. I took care of my grandfather when he had cancer, I was 15 years old. I tube fed him, and went to the hospital everyday to visit. When he was home, I took him to the hospital for therapy, and I took him for a walk in the wheelchair every day that he was able to go. I finished school and some college, and I have worked since before I finished high school. I am on my third marriage, I have had 4 children, both of my daughters died, one at 17 from brain tumors, the other at 45 from HIV. I lost one grandson (Kidney Failure) at 22 months. I suffer from severe depression, off and on, I have been in therapy individual and group several times throughout my life, and inpatient therapy a few years ago. I have had my good times since I started getting therapy when I needed it and understanding some of the issues of my life. One thing that I learned in my first and last therapy was the value of the grieving process. It is very important to allow yourself to go through all the grief stages, not just when someone close dies, but also when you loose or don't get important things in your life, and I don't mean material things. I mean love, care, protection, affection, and encouragement.

Thank you for bringing up this issue, and giving me the opportunity to talk about it.

I am still getting used to using this board, but I send everyone Hugs and smiles, Remember life is not the destination, it is the journey. Everything gets better if you have the courage to work on it, and make it better.

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