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Grief & Loss Message Board

Grief & Loss Board Index

[QUOTE=cme1017;4902403]I lost my Mom suddenly on Christmas Day. She had been disabled with COPD and heart problems for many years, but that's not what killed her - it was an aneurysm that burst. I had been her sole caretaker for the last 10 years and unfortunately, I was resentful and stymied by her stubbornness to help herself. She was extremely grateful to me, and expressed it all the time, - said she would have had to leave her house if it wasn't for me - but I should have been so much kinder to her. I was always there for her, and I'm sure she was comforted by that, but I did as little as possible and did not spend enough quality time with her. The last few years I lost patience with her more times that I can count and felt she was a burden and a responsibility I did not feel I could handle. I worried about her all the time. Also, seeing your mom deteriorate is horrible. She was a wonderful mother when we were growing up, and my biggest supporter and best friend and the last few years I had forgotten that. I am so sad and heartbroken. I am not much of a believer in God because she suffered so much with the COPD and it limited her so that she was a shell of the person she once was - vibrant and active, and she was such a good Christian that I lost faith because if there is a God, why did my Mom suffer so much? We were poor, her whole family (except her kids) were dead. I have 2 older brothers who did very little to help her or me, and I was angry at them which upset my mother so much - it upset her so to see bad feelings between the kids, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut - thinking only of myself. She had a wonderful last night on Earth - Christmas Eve (when we celebrate Christmas) with all her kids and grand kids and surprising (for our family) there were no fights and a lot of laughs. But I don't know how I can go on without her here with me. I've been either crying, throwing up, or in a daze, and it hasn't let up. I've been told that I'll always miss her, but I will start to remember the good times, not the last years when she was helpless and disabled. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying and feeling sad. I just want to be numb.[/QUOTE]

First I want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your mother. It sounds like she was a wonderful Christian woman and a great mom to you and your siblings. It's very difficult to take care of someone you love and care about and watch their health go downhill for so long. The feelings you're experiencing are normal. If your mom was under the care of a hospice program then you're eligible to receive free counseling and attend their support groups. I really encourage you to contact them and take advantage of their counseling they offer. If you have a friend or another member you can talk with about your feelings then do it. Be kind and gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up with what you would've,could've,should haves. You did want you could do at that time.
I am a certified home health aide with a hospice program in Sunnyvale,CA. and I see patients hang on to life until certain events take place then they feel the peace in their heart enough to let go of life very soon after the event has passed. It sounds as though that might have been the case with your mom and that's why she lived until she spent her last Christmas Eve with her family and then was able to let go on Christmas Day. One way to look at this to think about that she spent Christmas with Jesus her Lord and Savior. You may be to think about this in your brain but so much harder to do it in your heart because you feel so brokenhearted. I always feel so bad for families that lose a loved one around the holidays. It always seems like it's so much harder to deal with grieving around the holidays. May God Bless You for all that you did for your mom !

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