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I know I said "last post on this topic" like a week ago. But if you are wondering about why I pulled off treatment then I'll tell you. Besides I really dig watching the folder burn up. It is soooo cool. I started combination therapy shortly after it was approved for general population. It was still in trials when I was diagnosed. First of all I didn't have enough information to start treatment. My doc was in a hurry (or I thought so) to get me on it. I was told about some side effects, but only briefly. It seems like there was a lot less information available then. I also didn't have computer access so my resources were limited. I was already being treated for anxiety and depression then. I had just left a very bad relationship and I started treatment the first day that I moved in with the guy I had dated in '78. My kids were staying out of town with my dad to finish the school year and I should not have started any kind of interferon when I was in that kind of emotional shape, but I didn't know that. I had very promising and almost immediate response to treatment. The doc was really suprised. My wbc stayed normal too. I was really careful about rest and diet and fluids and taking my shots at the exact same time of day. All good. But I became so depressed that I couldn't function. Everyone was worried about me. It was really hard on my family and I still had to work. 3rd shift then, of all things. Any way it got worse and the doc upped my antidepressant. But it didn't help. I wasn't completely honest with him either about how bad it was. Then one day I went to pick up my 2 week supply from the pharmacy and they were out. They had to order it from IL. By the time they got it I had been off it for 11/2 weeks. I was already starting to feel better in my head. So I just stopped and didn't go back to the doctor. My reaction was unusual because it happened fast. I didn't try to hurt myself, but I wouldn't of cared if someone else did. I think the timing was really bad all the way around. anyway I found another doctor after a few years and he said wait for pegasus because it looked really promising. He said it was still an interferon and could have the same side effects, but if I wanted it he could get a psyche team on board before treatment. By the time pegasus got approved, my insurance had changed. The new doctor said that since I pulled myself off and disappeared the first time he wouldn't give me any treatment. He thought I might be a suicide risk and I think he didn't want the liability. But I feel pretty good most of the time. I work too much and don't rest enough and that is my worst enemy, but I haven't figured out another way to get by yet. I am not on any medication except 2 pills a day for colitis. I think that I could probably do treatment now with the right information and support. I don't know if I want too anymore. I've learned to feel like more than the disease and it doesn't scare me anymore. I might try again in the future if I find the right doctor, but it is not a priority. What helps me most is knowing there are other people out there asking questions, looking for answers, wondering about this ache and that pain. You not being alone with it. I'm not depressed (well sometimes when I hit 60+ hours a week at work). I am tired alot, but that could just be because I'm tired alot. All and all what's meant to be will be and I'm good with that. I have faith that there is a greater purpose for our lives than we may understand. It keeps me moving even when I'm tired. so there is my long-winded answer. The greatest risk of asking me a question is always that I might answer it. Peace

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