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HIV Prevention Message Board

HIV Prevention Board Index

Hi all. I'm glad I found this board. I have been stressing for what seems like weeks now although it has been a slow progression. It started in January when the dental hygienist found a small red area (lesion) near a tooth.
I didn't think much of it except it didn't go away. Then, I had a dental appointment for a filling and asked questions of the dentist. I was worried about cancer or something but he didn't seem overly concerned. He said it could be viral, fungal ("we come in contact with these things all the time") he said, and he also asked if I had allergies and other questions. I have some sinus/allergies especially in the spring sometimes but not a big deal usually.
That was on March 14. I had hoped he would just say that there is some inflammation of the gum and the tooth needs work on it but he said that particular tooth had never had any dental work done on it. I had thought my trip to the dentist would end my slight HIV concern but it only heightened it.
BTW, I take good care of my teeth and gums, flossing, etc. on regular basis.

As it so happened I had an annual physical on April 4 and I talked about all this to my doctor. He looked at the red spot and said "it doesn't look like anything serious" but I'll refer you to an Ear-Nose-Throat specialist (scheduled May 3.) I told him I was worried sick about HIV and he suggested we do the test (among other blood tests for cholesterol, etc.) and put my mind at ease but that he thought (based on what I had told him) that everything was ok.

I also had a lump in my groin that turned out to be a hernia. I had convinced myself before going to the doctor that it was a swollen lymph node and was quite wrong about that. Now I've been to a urologist and have to have an operation (although not urgent) to help with the hernia but I'm not worried about that.

My concern is with my sexual activity and although I do not fall into the high risk category, I still cannot seem to shake off my obsession. I am gay and my partner and I have been together fifteen years in July. I am somewhat embarassed to admit that we have played with others both together and separately on several occasions - but I realize the guilt is useless at this point.

On those occasions I have ONLY ONCE allowed someone to penetrate me anally and that was with a condom. The guy did not ejaculate at all. I did not perform oral on him and I don't believe he performed oral on me either.
In the other situations there were a couple of times where I performed oral for a fairly brief period of time and w/o ejaculation into my mouth by the other person. I would never permit this (except once in the 15 years since I've been with my partner - in which I allowed him to ejaculate in my mouth.)
Also, my partner and I always practice safe sex (condoms) with anal sex but we probably only have anal sex a few times a year. Once last year the condom sort of slipped as he was exiting me and I worried that semen got around my anus. We usually perform oral sex on each other and mutual masturbation.

That said, I am very trusting of my partner. He is as safe as I am. He has not been a recipient of anal sex from anyone other than me (w/condom) but he has performed oral sex on a few other guys (w/o them ejaculating) -

Writing all this down helps my feelings. I'm sorry to write so much. I know that our behavior falls into the 'low - risk' category but somehow I just feel almost hysterical at times - with fear. My partner is so much less concerned than I am; it's just not something that he obsesses about (he worries about money, lol) which doesn't bother me much.

Also, there was an incident where a guy in a club kissed me - not a deep french kiss - but a bit wet - I am so paranoid about these things that I usually stop short of what I really want to do.

We do not use drugs (except prescription) and we are not heavy drinkers.

I would appreciate an uplifiting comment from someone as I am suppose to find out about my HIV test this week. I was tested on Monday, April 10.
I am so obsessed and panicked that I'm doubling up on my anxiety medication.
My back is in knots - and I still have the little red spot near the tooth that started my whole concern with HIV.

Thanks for any positive feedback and thank goodness for the kind people on this board. Please say a prayer for my partner and me. He has promised to get tested, as well.

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