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Infant Care (up to 18 months old) Message Board

Infant Care (up to 18 months old) Board Index

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I know it's hard. I can relate to some of the things you've said. I have learned a lot about my DH these last six months. I've learned that he didn't have the best upbringing himself, while I had a good childhood. He would never talk about it before we had a child. DH honestly does the things he does because he seriously doesn't know better or he hasn't learned how to do them differently. I'm realizing that his own parents were lazy and neglectful, so everything he learns about getting up when you don't want to, changing the diapers often, etc. he learns from me. I have honestly had to love him through it and be patient. He didn't even change a diaper for 4 months! He doesn't like to get up and sleeps through anything. He doesn't clean up even if he does something like feed the baby.
The thing that works best for me is to wait until it all blows over, go ahead and get up myself (be the bigger person and the better parent) and then have a discussion with him later in the day when he is wide awake. Then he usually understands better and works on it next time rather than arguing about it.
I usually tell myself, "If I were single, I would have to get up every morning myself" so I've lowered my expectations of DH and I changed my perspective. I realize I have to teach him everything. I have to be specific, gentle and loving about it. For example, I ask him to come in and watch me change DD and say "This has to be done at least every hour so that she doesn't develop a diaper rash." He listens to me and watches me and then I hear him doing the same things when he changes her. But if I expect or demand things from him, he doesn't do it. I seriously think that's because he wants to view himself as a good dad and doesn't want me bossing him around, but he doesn't know things I would expect him to know (things that seem obvious). I also had to get though to him the idea that DD is dependent on US, not just me. She NEEDS both of us. That really made sense to him. Then, getting up in the morning was not just for me but for our baby.
Bottom line advice: try to be patient and loving. Remember that the little issues add up but you can deal with them if you keep showing your boyfriend respect, even if he's not being the father you hoped for! It might take a while. Hang in there and just try not to argue but talk about the issues when you're calm!

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