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Hi, Sarafina... well, I'm still feeling depressingly non pregnant. How about you?

Yes, you and I sound like we had the same ambivalence towards having kids. I also wondered whether my body was unconsciously preventing me from conceiving due to all those mixed feelings. But once I finally married the right guy, I decided it was time to face my fears and start the family I always imagined that I would have someday. But, ha ha, little did I know it was just too darn late. It's just another thing I thank Momster for.

Speaking of Momster, I don't know what your parents' problem was, but my Momster (I believe) is an undiagnosed border personality disorder sufferer. UBPD for short! There's a website at [COLOR=Red][[removed]][/COLOR]
Meanwhile, I'm a mom to 4 kitties and 1 doggie. The kitties are hanging out with me now; one is snuggled up next to me and the other is sleeping on a pillow next to me with his paw outstretched to rest on my arm. People who say cats are aloof just don't know any cats, I think! And my doggie, well, he's my baby. I spend as much on doggie day care as some people spend on kiddie day care, I think! I go broke paying for that dog. But there's nothing like coming home after a long day at a stressful, unsatisfying job, only to be greeted by a little creature that is so happy to see me that he spins in circles and hops around like a crazy creature!!! I'm a hero just for coming home. Do you have any pets?

Well, here's keeping my fingers crossed for all of us! Maybe you or I or one of us will have ourselves a Christmas miracle! Stranger things have happened.

BCGirl
Hi BCGirl, It is awesome that you can get pg, don't you think? I'm not even sure if I can. Looking back on my life, I used to think I was just really lucky - I used birth control about 85% of the time, but there were those times that I didn't. And of course I believed that if you had sex without birth control you would get pg. How silly! So, I have never been pg and now I wonder if it is even possible for me. I think a person would be more hopeful if they knew that it could happen because it has. Do I make sense?
Well, last night my dh told me that I have to stop stressing about ttc. He is right. I am a basketcase most times. I am so overwhelmed by all of this that I have been on the verge of losing it. Wonder if everyone gets like that? I will try one more IUI. It won't be an option to move onto IVF for a few months, so I thought I may as well get the IUI out of the way - and take the follistim which I swear made me gain weight and feel crazy - so I can at least have a real rest before looking at IVF. Of course we keep trying naturally, but that is really exhausting (boy, I must be old!) - but we are on an everyday schedule for the week when I think I will ovulate, and today is day 5 and both dh and I are tired.
Is your dh doing anything to improve his sperm? - Like vitamins or acupuncture or anything? Have you done anything? I tried acupuncture and gave up coffee. I can't believe I gave up coffee - that is proof positive that I am very serious about getting pg. I really miss caffine. I told dh I thought maybe colonics would be the answer ( read a book recently called "Inconceivable" and author talked about the things she did to get pg at 43) that is when dh thought I was off the deep end. I've done a little research on colonics and maybe I won't go rushing in for one this month. Have you gone through the "I'll-try-anything" phase? I need to listen to my dh and find a way to relax. I started going for long walks last week, but today with the windchill it is like -25 degrees outside, so I better come up with another plan because winters are long here. Well, keep in touch, and let me know how the IVF seminar goes! Regards-Sara
Hello, Sara. I'm sorry I haven't replied; I was out of town.

I guess it's good that I have been pregnant.... but for me it's kind of a source of frustration since it was so long ago and I feel like my age is a real factor now. I think when you can't get pregnant, whether you ever have been before or not doesn't make you feel much better. Either way, you aren't pregnant now! I also spent a lot of money on birth control over the years... it's kind of ironic that now I need to spend all this money trying to GET pregnant.

I don't think I had quite as much FUN as you did in my 20's and 30's. I wish I could say I did, but I spent most of that time in a bad marriage. I just never felt that "now" was a good time to have a child so I never did. I didn't really get to the point where I thought it was a good idea until I was married to my second husband, and that didn't happen until I was 36. That's when I really started trying to have a baby in earnest, but it didn't work out. In some ways, I'm glad I didn't ever have a child with my ex-husband. It's better for me that I don't have to deal with him. He was always on the fence about kids anyway. I wanted to have them "someday" but he always told me that having a child with me would make him feel "trapped." Can you imagine that! We were already married and he would talk about being "trapped." The funny thing is that as soon as we split up, he hooked up with a girl 12 years his junior (he's the same age as me). And she was pregnant within months and guess what; they decided to have the baby. So now he's a father and after all this trying, I still can't get pregnant, and I am the one who professed to want kids. Another irony. Even he sees the irony in that. Every time I speak to him (which is practically never anyway) he says "aren't you pregnant yet?" That always makes me crazy, I can tell you!

I signed up for an IVF class on February 10. It seems that I will have the money by then if I want to do IVF. DH says he will totally support me if I want to undergo IVF; he has basically ceded this decision to me. But I still feel as if I am leaning against it, Sarafina. The idea of being a mother seems to be slowly seeping away from me. I really cannot fathom spending all that money if the procedure fails. I believe I should just get used to my life the way it is. It is not so bad, and this way my DH will not spend the rest of his years bringing up another child. I am going to go to the class but am really leaning away from IVF.

My kitty is so funny, she lies next to me when I'm typing and she puts out her little paw on my arm. Kitties are great, aren't they?

I guess there is some corner of me that still hopes for a miracle, natural conception. Since it has happened before, it's not impossible.

When are you going to have your next IUI? I hope very much that it will work for you. It would make me happy to hear that you are pregnant. Let me know when you are going in for IUI again.

BCGirl
Hello, Sara:

I'm so sorry to hear the bad news. I can't think of anything clever to say that might make you feel better. I really can't think of anything to do except cluck sympathtically and give you a cyberhug. You were so brave and strong to take this chance; much braver and stronger than I was. I wish the outcome had been better because I think you have a lot to offer as a Mom.

You should definitely spend a few days feeling badly about it... after all you've been through, you deserve to allow yourself a period of grief over this. But you know, it doesn't have to be the end if you decide you don't want it to be. You and your DH can decide whatever you want for the future. You could do herbs and acupuncture.... you could go into debt and do another IVF cycle.... you could try to adopt (just lie about your family).... a few more rounds of much cheaper IUI...

You've had a long streak of bad luck but who's to say it's not "gone at last" as the song goes. Don't you have a vacation to Oregon coming up? I hope you will take your vacation and try to rest and relax with your hubby. As you know, I don't believe in God but I do believe that most things just have a way of working out for the best, like air bubbling to the surface. It just happens. In a few years it will become clear to you why this was ok. With the exception of the death of loved ones (which still confounds my order of things), every bad thing that's ever happened to me has turned out to be good in the end.

I haven't even opened the packaging on my Clearblue Fertility Monitor. It's sitting on a shelf in my office. I have turned a bit of a corner, psychologically, regarding motherhood. I'm thinking this whole thing (meaning my inability to get pregnant) is really the best thing. Could I really be a Mom? I don't know. My life is pretty good now. Last night I dreamed I had a little baby and I kept accidentally harming him. One minute he was drowning, the next I had cut his eyebrow. This is not good!!!! Me and DH watched our grandson a couple of days ago for the day b/c his daycare had tanked for the day. He just turned one. He's adorable but man is he needy. I was so exhausted at the end of the day. Could I really do this every day? His Mom is only 27... she has a lot more energy than I do. I've lived 38 3/4 on the planet with me being the center of my world. Don't know if I could switch it around now.

Well, Sara, please feel better soon. I really do admire your courage in going through what is a daunting and scary medical procedure. You are blessed with many things, a fine intellect, a great sense of humour, and a strong will. You will find the way that is best for you.

BCGirl





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