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Hi, Sarafina... well, I'm still feeling depressingly non pregnant. How about you?

Yes, you and I sound like we had the same ambivalence towards having kids. I also wondered whether my body was unconsciously preventing me from conceiving due to all those mixed feelings. But once I finally married the right guy, I decided it was time to face my fears and start the family I always imagined that I would have someday. But, ha ha, little did I know it was just too darn late. It's just another thing I thank Momster for.

Speaking of Momster, I don't know what your parents' problem was, but my Momster (I believe) is an undiagnosed border personality disorder sufferer. UBPD for short! There's a website at [COLOR=Red][[removed]][/COLOR]
Meanwhile, I'm a mom to 4 kitties and 1 doggie. The kitties are hanging out with me now; one is snuggled up next to me and the other is sleeping on a pillow next to me with his paw outstretched to rest on my arm. People who say cats are aloof just don't know any cats, I think! And my doggie, well, he's my baby. I spend as much on doggie day care as some people spend on kiddie day care, I think! I go broke paying for that dog. But there's nothing like coming home after a long day at a stressful, unsatisfying job, only to be greeted by a little creature that is so happy to see me that he spins in circles and hops around like a crazy creature!!! I'm a hero just for coming home. Do you have any pets?

Well, here's keeping my fingers crossed for all of us! Maybe you or I or one of us will have ourselves a Christmas miracle! Stranger things have happened.

BCGirl
Hi, Sarafina... just thought it would make you laugh to hear how my Christmas Eve went.... first I got AF in the morning... nice Christmas present! Then in the afternoon when I looked through the mail, three bills totalling $600 showed up for the second IUI that didn't work.... no insurance coverage, of course. Then, in the evening, I had to keep an extremely jealous and crushed look off my face when my 26 year old step daughter announced she was pregnant after only a few months of trying. I am happy for them, of course, but it was just not a great day to get the happy news. I managed to keep any bad look off my face and give them all the congrats that they deserve, but geez. How much can a girl take in one day? Some days are just filled with cruel ironies, I guess.

So I spent most of Christmas being sad and crabby. Luckily DH understands why and was very supportive.

I hope you had a better few days. I am trying to decide whether to do IVF. I've always said I wouldn't, because it's so expensive and there are no guarantees. But now that I'm faced with a lifetime of no children, I'm feeling a little less certain...

BCGirl
Dear BCGirl and Sara,
I was trying to compare bowflex and crossbow exercise equipment and somehow ended up on this site. I read your responses to each other and it made alot of pain of infertility resurface. My husband and I tried for 4 years to have a baby and I've been on that roller coaster ride that you are experiencing. My heart goes out to you. We all are so in control (we think) of our lives and then we get a major curve thrown at us. Anyway, a little history here. I'm a pediatric nurse and at that time was practicing in pediatric home care. I'll never forget my second day back to work after a miscarriage(after 4 mo. of clomid), I visited a 13 year old girl that had a baby and was living in a smoke filled house. God got alot of questions that day. One of my job responsibilities was doing a first week home visit for all new moms from a local hospital. Anyway, I had to change areas of practice shortly after that. To make a long story short, I too felt IVF was a long shot. My dh and I decided to refocus our lives on renovating a old home. During renovations, we received a call from a very good friend,after many, many prayers. She had had lunch with a friend that had a daughter in college that had a roomate that was pregnant who wanted to give the child up for adoption. He was born the day we moved in to the new house. Speaking of ruining finances, a new house and adoption on the same day. I also failed to mention that I had a son from a previous marriage. It has been almost 5 years and we have the most beautiful, boy. He has filled our life with joy and contentment. Adoption is absolutely as fulfilling as natural child birth. I can say that, I've done both. The emotional bond is just as strong if not stronger than a natural birth. I'm truly sorry for all the pain that you both are experiencing but I felt like I had to let you know that prayers are answered in many ways and God is good all the time. We may never know the purpose of many things in our lives, especially infertility. But the one thing I do know is there can be alot of peace in prayer. I have returned to the pediatric field where I am a school nurse. I talk to high school girls every year on the positives of adoption instead of abortion. I hope I am making a small difference in someone's life. I know my baby is where he is suppose to be and his birth mother feels the same way. God bless you both. I would like to encourage both of you anytime you need some encouragement. Don't give up and by all means if you have the financial stability to do IVF, do so. There have been many successful stories from that procedure. But never forgo adoption. It's a wonderful option.
Thanks for the advice, Dsnap! It sounds like you were so lucky, to have your adopted baby kind of fall right in your lap! That definitely sounds like it was just meant to be. I sort of doubt anything that miraculous would ever happen to me, but hey, you never know. God does seem to work in mysterious ways, aned things do often work out for the best, I've noticed.

Happy New Year, Sara! :wave: You sound so upbeat, it's kind of infectious. I believe you should follow your heart. If you really want to be a Mom, then I think you can achieve it. It's all about what you are willing to sacrifice to get it. If you set your heart on this goal, you will get there. I still think you could legitimately try IUI another time or two, but if you want to skip right to IVF, I'm sure your RE would be happy to oblige. Mine has told me she won't even let me do any more IUI since it doesn't seem to be working. I don't disagree with that. Did you read that one of those women who just got pregnant from IVF did 25 IUI's? That seems like a lot. She must have spent a fortune. I am satisfied after three times that it is not going to work.

Anyhoo, I think you're right that it's ok to want motherhood. It's a natural thing that most people get to experience without any angst at all. In fact, so many (including my Momster) get pregnant by accident that their only angst is that they don't really want the kid. So we're put in this weird position of thinking, thinking, thinking about this, and analyzing exactly what we are willing to sacrifice to get it, and all the pros and cons about motherhood. Most people, like my stepdaughter, think to themselves, hey, I think I'd like to be a parent, it's about the right time, and they try for a few months and BOOM! They're pregnant. No self doubts about being punished by God, no thoughts about how much they are willing to spend chasing this dream, etc. I've got one friend who says I'm overthinking this problem and she's probably right. She says that $11,000 is not much money to spend, and that if I don't try IVF, in five years I will have a total meltdown for failing to try every possible option.

That's a seductive argument! I'm famous for making decisions that I regret later.

But I don't know, Sara. I'm still swimming in my sea of indecision. I liked your idea of stepping back from this for a week or so to just clear my head. But then I would come back to this Board and prowl around. Obsessed, I guess! :)

I think I will probably call my RE next week and sign up for the IVF class she wants me to take. I guess my RE gives it once a month, so I would take it sometime in January. I guess it couldn't hurt to have some more information.

By the way, my infertility is pretty much undiagosed, except we know dh's sperm is not the world's greatest. He had a vasectomy reversal which has impacted the amount available. They still swim around but there's not as many of them. I have been pregnant the natural way by him twice but neither pregnancy was successful. The most recent time was a miscarriage in September, 2002. My feeling is that I'm just kind of old, and when you combine that with dh's sperm problem, the result is infertility. The doctor said my miscarriage was no big deal, no reason I can't conceive again. He said 40% of women miscarry. But ...... that was well over a year ago, and all those months of great sex and four months of clomid and three rounds of IUI have not produced another pregnancy. Sigh.

Well, keep me posted on your thought process! I'm all ears.

BCGirl
Hello, Sara. I'm sorry I haven't replied; I was out of town.

I guess it's good that I have been pregnant.... but for me it's kind of a source of frustration since it was so long ago and I feel like my age is a real factor now. I think when you can't get pregnant, whether you ever have been before or not doesn't make you feel much better. Either way, you aren't pregnant now! I also spent a lot of money on birth control over the years... it's kind of ironic that now I need to spend all this money trying to GET pregnant.

I don't think I had quite as much FUN as you did in my 20's and 30's. I wish I could say I did, but I spent most of that time in a bad marriage. I just never felt that "now" was a good time to have a child so I never did. I didn't really get to the point where I thought it was a good idea until I was married to my second husband, and that didn't happen until I was 36. That's when I really started trying to have a baby in earnest, but it didn't work out. In some ways, I'm glad I didn't ever have a child with my ex-husband. It's better for me that I don't have to deal with him. He was always on the fence about kids anyway. I wanted to have them "someday" but he always told me that having a child with me would make him feel "trapped." Can you imagine that! We were already married and he would talk about being "trapped." The funny thing is that as soon as we split up, he hooked up with a girl 12 years his junior (he's the same age as me). And she was pregnant within months and guess what; they decided to have the baby. So now he's a father and after all this trying, I still can't get pregnant, and I am the one who professed to want kids. Another irony. Even he sees the irony in that. Every time I speak to him (which is practically never anyway) he says "aren't you pregnant yet?" That always makes me crazy, I can tell you!

I signed up for an IVF class on February 10. It seems that I will have the money by then if I want to do IVF. DH says he will totally support me if I want to undergo IVF; he has basically ceded this decision to me. But I still feel as if I am leaning against it, Sarafina. The idea of being a mother seems to be slowly seeping away from me. I really cannot fathom spending all that money if the procedure fails. I believe I should just get used to my life the way it is. It is not so bad, and this way my DH will not spend the rest of his years bringing up another child. I am going to go to the class but am really leaning away from IVF.

My kitty is so funny, she lies next to me when I'm typing and she puts out her little paw on my arm. Kitties are great, aren't they?

I guess there is some corner of me that still hopes for a miracle, natural conception. Since it has happened before, it's not impossible.

When are you going to have your next IUI? I hope very much that it will work for you. It would make me happy to hear that you are pregnant. Let me know when you are going in for IUI again.

BCGirl
Hello, Sara:

I'm so sorry to hear the bad news. I can't think of anything clever to say that might make you feel better. I really can't think of anything to do except cluck sympathtically and give you a cyberhug. You were so brave and strong to take this chance; much braver and stronger than I was. I wish the outcome had been better because I think you have a lot to offer as a Mom.

You should definitely spend a few days feeling badly about it... after all you've been through, you deserve to allow yourself a period of grief over this. But you know, it doesn't have to be the end if you decide you don't want it to be. You and your DH can decide whatever you want for the future. You could do herbs and acupuncture.... you could go into debt and do another IVF cycle.... you could try to adopt (just lie about your family).... a few more rounds of much cheaper IUI...

You've had a long streak of bad luck but who's to say it's not "gone at last" as the song goes. Don't you have a vacation to Oregon coming up? I hope you will take your vacation and try to rest and relax with your hubby. As you know, I don't believe in God but I do believe that most things just have a way of working out for the best, like air bubbling to the surface. It just happens. In a few years it will become clear to you why this was ok. With the exception of the death of loved ones (which still confounds my order of things), every bad thing that's ever happened to me has turned out to be good in the end.

I haven't even opened the packaging on my Clearblue Fertility Monitor. It's sitting on a shelf in my office. I have turned a bit of a corner, psychologically, regarding motherhood. I'm thinking this whole thing (meaning my inability to get pregnant) is really the best thing. Could I really be a Mom? I don't know. My life is pretty good now. Last night I dreamed I had a little baby and I kept accidentally harming him. One minute he was drowning, the next I had cut his eyebrow. This is not good!!!! Me and DH watched our grandson a couple of days ago for the day b/c his daycare had tanked for the day. He just turned one. He's adorable but man is he needy. I was so exhausted at the end of the day. Could I really do this every day? His Mom is only 27... she has a lot more energy than I do. I've lived 38 3/4 on the planet with me being the center of my world. Don't know if I could switch it around now.

Well, Sara, please feel better soon. I really do admire your courage in going through what is a daunting and scary medical procedure. You are blessed with many things, a fine intellect, a great sense of humour, and a strong will. You will find the way that is best for you.

BCGirl
Hello, Sara, are you out there? I hope you are feeling better since the last time you posted. Been wondering how you've been.

I've had about the worst couple of days of my life. First I thought I was pregnant! Yep, the old fashioned way. I could hardly believe it but was late on AF and thought I saw a line on the EPT. So when I told DH (we've been fighting a lot lately) I was stunned when he STARTED TO CRY and said he was too old and would not see the baby grow up. (He's only 52 and in perfect health). As the day wore on, he was similarly morose and by evening, he was positively saying he didn't want the baby. HELLLLOOOO, what have we been doing for the past two years? Wouldn't before we conceived have been the time to tell me this? I tried not to yell at him (because frankly I need the support of the father!!!!) but inside I was truly dying... anxious and completely freaked out. I've been pregnant by him twice before (neither took) and he was thrilled each time. So I don't know where this came from. (can you say affair?) Only two months ago I bought a fertility monitor with his FULL BLESSING. He never mentioned that he had COMPLETELY CHANGED HIS MIND. He claims he never thought I would actually conceive so it just wasn't a problem for him.

Needless to say, AF showed up this morning, cancelling aforementioned pregnancy. Luckily, I guess. He conceded being "relieved." I feel completely rejected and still cannot believe that my husband has decided he wants no more children. After telling me four years ago how much he loves kids; would love to be a Dad again. Can you even believe this? It's like a bad dream. I am totally numb, even though now it appears that in fact, I will never be a Mom. Let's face it, Sara, even if I wanted to divorce him and find a more willing partner, it's TOO DARN LATE. I'm almost 39; have no more time to find Mr. Right. I take this as a rejection of me; doesn't love me anymore or whatever. My girlfriend says, no, he really just feels old and doesn't want the burden of another kid for the last part of his life. WHATEVER, but it's a LITTLE LATE for this, no?

Sigh. Well, Sara, something tells me that you cannot be having a worse day than me, and I certainly hope you are not. I suppose I won't be able to lurk around on this board anymore after I'm forced to go back on the pill. There's probably ordinances prohibiting women who take birth control from even being on here!

Drop a line sometime if you are still out there.

BCGirl

My life is so pathetic that really it's pretty comical. This stuff only happens to me.





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