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Hi, everyone.

Here's my story in brief: 33 yrs. old, ttc for almost 4 1/2 yrs. After 4 yrs. of dealing with an incompetent doc, we've gone to see a fertility specialist. We've done the sperm counts (all low), and the tube block test (clean). Our next step is IUI.

Here's my confusion: I am feeling so many mixed emotions about doing the IUI. When I was a little kid, I would say that when I grew up I wanted to be: a mommy. When we first started ttc, I wanted a child so badly. Now, some days I do, and some days I don't. It is soooo confusing to me. My dh has said that he's ready to do the IUI any time I'm ready, and whenever I make up my mind, just let him know. Some days I really want to do this, and become a mommy and have little ones around. It makes me cry to read books about other couples and their struggles to conceive. It's such an emotional and overwhelming feeling, and when I think about how much I love my dh, I know for certain that I want to have children and we should proceed. But then, there are days when I am so busy, or tired, or we get into a little tiff, and the first thing that runs through my mind is: well, i sure don't want to have kids. I try to tell myself that if I get pregnant, and as soon as the baby is born, it will all be worth it, and I'll be glad I did this. But, having 4 1/2 yrs. almost to think about it, I see it some days as a sacrifice of my current daily routine. I know that sounds awful, but that's not how it is every day...just every other day, because on the other day, I want kids. :confused:

Here's my question: Has anybody else gone through this mental torture? Am I just being self-protective, and have my barrier walls up keeping me from getting hurt? Or do I really not want kids? Oh, please help me...if I knew I wasn't the only one going through this, I wouldn't feel like such an indecisive dork. I am feeling more like a loser, and less like a woman because I can't make up my mind if I want children (and it's much more serious than it sounds...it sounds as if I'm deciding between McDonald's or pizza, but that's not the way it's meant). Please help me with my confusion!

Thanks so much,
Squirt





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