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I'm sorry to hear about your wife. Have you guys considered a second opinion? From what I've read, the pain is common with CLL, but I don't know to what severty. The only thing I can suggest is to find another hemotologist, and see what he says.

I do plan on writing everything down. I guess I'm just really scared. I'm just waiting to exhale. If it's cancer, I can deal with it, but not knowing what it is, is just really scary. I get anemic very often, and the doctor has mentioned it to me before. I just don't know why my WBC is so high. I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.

How does your wife deal with it? I know you said you guys don't even think about it anymore. I'm really more concerned about my family than me. I know I can handle anything they throw at me, but I have two small children, and parents who will break down. I don't know.

Thank you for keeping in touch. Keep me posted on your wife, I hope she is feeling better. I'll let you know how everything turns out.

Marie Francis
Hi there. Sorry it took me so long to reply, it's been a crazy week.

My husband went with me to the hemotologist, he's very supportive. I didn't really like the doctor. The nurses took more blood, and the other nurse checked me, and the doctor came in and talked to me for two seconds, and it seemed like he was in a real hurry, and we had a lot of questions for him. He said that as of right now there are no cancerous cells in my blood, but that my WBC is still high and my red blood cells look funny (I guess some of them are smaller than normal, and some of them are hollow). I knew a lot of what he said because I had done research, which I don't think they counted on because they were explaining things to us like we were 5. I asked if it could develop into CML, and he was taken aback by that question. He said he didn't know, and that if he had something else to call it, then he could say it isn't cancer, but he couldn't. So I have to go in for more tests next week. It's a waiting game now...what's wrong with me, is it just something that is there. They said I looked healthy though, which is good. I still have the fatigue, which seems to be getting worse. I feel like they are keeping me in the dark. They don't really tell you what you want to hear I guess. But for now, I'm content.

I wanted to touch on what you said about death. I am afraid of death too. I don't know if it's because I've never been particularly religious or because I'm a bit worry wart, but I think about it daily. What I do, and I don't know if this helps any, but I think about the greater sceem of things. I think about the moon and how it has been here for millions of years, it has been here before us, and it will be here after us, somehow that is comforting to me. I also think about the total circle of life, you are born, you live, you die a sort of recycling process. When I was younger I used to believe in reencarnation, only because I couldn't imagine not being here, now I'm not so sure. Perhaps this isn't it, perhaps when you die there is something greater out there, and when you pass into it, you'll wonder how you could have ever been afraid. I'm not expert by all means, I just think that your spirit lives on in memories, and somehow you are returned to that in which you came from. I don't know if that helps. I really applaud you though, I know it must be hard for you. Your wife is a very lucky woman to have such a wonderful man who will support her and take care of her.

I was also surprised that you guys haven't told anyone. I don't know why it surprised me, and what you said made sense. People treat you differently when they know something. In fact, I actually have a story about that. When I first had to go and see the doctor, I had called my husband at work, well, I told him what was going on, and I had to go to the cancer center. He came home early that day and took me shopping to cheer me up. The only person he told why he was leaving was his boss, and when he went in the next day, every body knew, and they were all saying, I'm so sorry, is your wife okay. Well, he is a very private guy, so he wasn't too happy about that. And I too felt like, I'm not dying, I would really like to keep this private. So I guess I do understand, and I applaud your wife for making that desicion.

My son is glued to the TV, the wiggles are on, they are this australian band, that sing and dance, he loves them!! I have to go to my daughter's school today for a decoration party. I volunteer there on Wednesdays, and I couldn't go this past wednesday, I felt so guilty!!!

I hope you are well, and I hope your wife is well, tell her she is in my prayers, and I know she'll beat this, because when it comes right down to it, what other choice do we have?

Marie





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