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Cancer: Lung Message Board

Cancer: Lung Board Index

Hi ~

I just wanted to comment on the fact that I too think of my life w/out my husband. I too wonder WHY he still goes for chemo at this point...he is stage four, he was given six months to live nine months ago yet he has responded WELL to chemo. He had a brief remission, yet that did not last too long. :( He is now on Gemzar and he did well, but today we went to get it and they said, "Nope...your white cell count is WAAAAY low." So they gave him a shot of, "neupogen" (sp?)...I have NO clue what that is even for, but I would imagine it is to bring his white cell count up. He said they told him something about his bone marrow? I am confused. He is to go in the morning for another shot and attempt chemo Friday. It is sad, so so sad. I mean I wish this was not happening, but it is. I wish he would have been stage ONE, not FOUR. I wish I didn't HAVE TO think of MY future - but I do, we ALL do. We will be left here to live and that will not be easy, ESP in the beginning after they pass...but we WILL heal. It won't be easy AT ALL...but we will get through this. I had him make a will, we moved, I cut up the credit cards and got all of our affairs in order and why? Because I want MY future somewhat secure so I can mourn his passing w/out all that other 'stuff' to worry about. He never properly provided for me; i.e., life insurance - he does have ONE SMALL policy, he never secured us w/insurance and because of that we were forced to sell our home, we were forced to find homes for our dogs, we were forced to downsize, we lost a LOT of our pride as before we lived VERY comfortably and now it is a financial struggle. I believe it is OK to think of "us" here - we are a part of this too whether or not we have the cancer or our spouse has it. It is a family illness and it affects us too! I too sometimes wish he would just stop the chemo and ENJOY what time he has left not battling low white cell counts, exhaustion, anemia, illnesses - he gets every cold as his immune system cannot ward off illnesses as it used to due to the cancer impairing it AND the chemo impairing it even more. I asked him, "Are you happy? Are you content? Do you wish to continue on THIS WAY - suffering so...dealing w/bills and financial issues and stress DAILY?" He said that is the way of it then. I support that - I may not agree w/it, but I support it as it is HIS DECISION alone and I will support it as I would want him to do if I were the one w/the cancer.

I do feel guilt at times as I sometimes wish it was over - all over. All his pain - over. All my pain - over. I wish I could just get through it and move on with my life. It is a daily struggle and battle and he gets the chemo and he gets so ill and he just starts being himself again and BOOM - it is time for chemo AGAIN.

I hope no one feels I am cold-hearted, I am being HONEST. I love my husband and I WANT HIM TO LIVE forever...I never thought at 35 years old I would be losing my husband. :( I will fall apart when he dies...I won't attend the wake or the mass...I do not believe in them and he does so we did discuss that and I told the family. I will visit him at the cemetary often. When I go I want to be creamated (sp?) and I just want a mass and I want my ashes throw to the I am at peace. I DON'T want people to "see" me dead!! I don't want them to remember 'that image' of me EVER. My husband wants that for himself, and so be it. I will NOT see him dead...I cannot and will not do way no how.

When we discuss end of life stuff he says to me, "I am not even dead yet and you have me dead and buried." WELL HELLO...this is a man who NEVER properly insured our future...he never cared enough, he took me for granted, he lied excessively, he stole from me - yes he did, he emotionally abused me, he cheated on me once years ago (WE NEVER GET OVER THAT), but I cheated on him after that to "pay him back"...yet I never told him about it - but I think he knew, I never trusted him - how can one trust a habitual liar?!, we had MAJOR marital problems for years and years yet I stayed and I settled. How SHOULD I feel?! I love him and I feel for him and his death will keep me in bed for months - but one day I will notice the sun again, and one day I will meet someone else, and one day I will heal...I will never completely get over it - who does?

Just my thoughts...we are entitled to have our feelings too. This affects us too...


[This message has been edited by MaryP (edited 01-15-2003).]

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