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i had the fight in me. i never missed a doctor appt, i did research, i took my medicines without fail.

i guess i just don't have it in me anymore. i'm so tired of it.

i just don't see the point of waking up each day, logging onto my laptop which rests next to me while i sleep, working all day in bed, then at night trying to get some sleep so i can wake up and do it again.

i can't stand the thought of sitting in this pigsty of a bedroom, listening to another spring and summer pass by outside.

about 2 months ago i had a good afternoon. for no reason that i can recall, i just felt better for a few hours. i jumped out of this stupid bed and grabbed my kids and we went outside and we weeded, raked, spread mulch, trimmed shrubs and swept the front walk and driveway. oh god it felt so good.

i was never a complainer. i could suffer through the crap that life handed me and i muddled through with flying colors.

but this ... this is just awful.

the only things left for me to try are flying out to kansas and spending a few weeks at jernigan's place and trying i.v. antibiotics.

i have no desire to see my llmd. she's the best lady on earth, but after 2 yrs of massive drugs, i don't feel as good as i should. my brain fog is better and my memory has improved. but i just feel like crap every day. i know i should call her but what is she going to do that we haven't already tried?

i read the words i'm writing and i sound so pitiful. i should slap myself in the face to snap out of this.

itsmylife, i've asked you before about the emotional pain of this disease and i asked you how you got out of it and you and i have talked about how to get angry and pull yourself out of a depression. you said some wise words to me. i'll go back and re-read your posts.

i remember when ekim111 and you posted about how deep your depression was. he wrote about wanting to end it all. i'll go back and read some of those posts also.

i know my kids need me. i can't imagine how effective a parent i am, sitting in bed for months at a time. the only productive thing i do nowadays is make money.

maybe i've been off abx too long and the bugs are taking over again. i don't know. i just want this to be over.

thanks for listening and for the support.

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