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Mental Health Message Board

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I am a compulsive liar and I need help. I am on the verge of losing my family. I have lied to my wife so many times that I don't even know what the truth is anymore. I love my wife very much and hate myself for the pain that I have put her through. I have been caught in the lies and instead of coming completely clean, I have hid behind more lies and half truths. Even when I'm lying, on the inside I am screaming the truth, it doesn't matter I cannot make the words formulate. I constantly feel ashamed and depressed by my actions. Nothing I do alleviates this pain. I hate myself. I even get upset with my wife when she doesn't believe me when I am telling her the truth, like she has any reason to believe me. But I expect her to trust me anyway. I told my wife that I was willing to take polygraph to bring all the truth/ lies out in the open. I am scared that I might not actually know the difference between my lies and truths, and pass a lie detector test because of it. That thought scares me beyond belief. I don't know if I can ever make it right, but I will do everything in my power to try. I can't ruin this family over my issues. Beyond this I need to get help for my constantly making destructive decisions that only feed the need to lie compulsively. Whenever things seem to be going well I find a reason to make a ridiculously poor decision. When my wife and I were in counselling, the counselor said to remember that your spouse has a good heart. I often worry that by heart is not good. I worry that I'm not a good person at all, and don't know what it means to be a good person. I know that my wife makes me feel like I can be a good person. I know that she is a good person. I know that she truly loves me. She has put up with so much of my stuff, that there is no way she doesn't love me. I know that I don't deserve her. I don't know how I would feel inside if I lost her. I know she makes me want to be a good man, father and husband. I need help to fix what is broken within me. I need her by my side to get through this, but I don't deserve for her to be there for me after all that I have done. I don't know how to reconcile that. Whether she will be by my side or not, I can't figure this out on my own. Even facing losing everything, I can't tell my wife the truth. I need help! The weight of my actions feel like an elephant sitting on my chest. When my wife brings up my transgressions I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I have an inner conflict that threatens to consume me and everyone around me. I can't let that happen. But I don't know how to stop it.

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