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Mental Health Message Board


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Hi all,

For my whole life, I have struggled with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Dyslexia, Central Auditory Processing Disorder, and Dyscalculia. Which, has created a ton of problems... I was, misdiagnosed a ton in school with things, I never had... when, I entered high school... my mother realized, I wasn't in the right placement and something was wrong with my diagnosis. She, took me to a private neuropsychologist and psychologist, who was a pediatrician at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia... and she, was amazing and really helped me, so much. Once, I met with the neuropsychologist she, diagnosed me with those four things, I listed up above... and it really changed my life. We, ended up hiring a special education lawyer and suing the school district to have them pay for me to go to another school. We, won and case and I went to a private boarding school in Colorado, which helped me more than, I could ever express.

Before, all of this... I was told, I would never make it out of middle school, I would be on social security disability, I would never go to college, or do the things most people consider "normal"... and I didn't want that, nor did my mother. I couldn't read, until I was in third grade... I ended up having to go to special school, just to learn how to read. I came out reading above grade level and reading. I ended up going to a Catholic school after that... until, I started to have more problems, when middle school came... I wasn't doing well at all... I started flunking school and worst of all, I decided, I wouldn't go to school... because, I didn't understand and people made fun of me for my learning issues. My principle at my Catholic school, said they couldn't handle me and I needed to go to public school, where they could offer the services, I needed. So my mother did what she, thought was best and what my current school recommend... which, was going to public school. So, I left in the middle of the year and my mother registered me for our public middle school. It was the hardest transition in my life, I ever made... going from one middle school to another in the middle of the year... not knowing anyone. As, all of these issues started to happen... my anxiety increased more and more... and all of irrational fears started to come back... and it started to eat me alive. When, I entered high school, it started to become worse and worse... my anxiety, not doing well, thinking of my future, and just life, itself.

When, I was younger... I always had a dumb fear of death and would ask my mother every night, if, I was going to die in my sleep and she, said no... and of course she, was right. Then, I started asking everyday, if, I would die... and if, I would live for a long time. My mother, always told me, I wouldn't die and she, knows, I will live into my eighties, if not... until, I am 100. I know, my mother wouldn't lie to me and she, always told the truth and was right on everything. But, I still couldn't shake the fear... that was the one fear, that was practically eating me alive and stopping me from living my life. I would, always ask in my head... "I won't die for a long time... yes, or no"... and if, I got a strong feeling my head/face... to me that meant, I wasn't going to die for a long time... but, if, I didn't get any feeling... that meant, I was going to die... and I would, always ask myself the same question, until my mind gave me the answer, I wanted. Crazy, right? I know... I started asking my grandparents, those questions and my aunt and they would give me the same answer, as my mother... and my aunt... she, is an anesthesiologist and for goodness sake... she, was a doctor and knew my health, like the back of her hand. I was, even told by my uncle, who, is an emergency room physician, I wouldn't die. It started to become obsessive... and whenever something bad happened to someone, I knew... I thought, I was going to die, or that problem would happen to me. I was, so scared to drive because, I never wanted to get into a car accident and die. Then, I started to feel like, I was psychic and I knew when, I was going to die, or when something was going to happen... and of course, none of it happened... but, I continued to keep thinking that way. I couldn't stop myself... or my mind, I should say.

When, I started ninth grade... I hated it... I had a special education aide and special education classes, that weren't helping... they put me in regular classes and I still did poorly, no matter what. The aide, I had was horrible... she, would always put me down and wouldn't help at all. My mother went to the school many times and complained... but nothing was done... but, I pushed through ninth grade barely passing and my mother knew a change had to happen and it had to be soon. When, tenth grade started... I only went for three weeks of school... before, I started to refuse to go to school... I would lock the door to my room in the morning, so my mother couldn't get in and wouldn't try to get me to go... she, would bang on the door and try to get me out... but she, was a lawyer and most days had to be in court... so she, couldn't fight me for too long. She, had gotten in touch with a lawyer, as soon as my ninth grade year ended, but it would be a long road to haul, before we, say the results we, wanted. I ended up, not going to school that whole year... and became more and more stressed and anxious. I started to become more irritated and that's when my health issues started... I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome... which made my life... well... hell and everyone else's lives hell. I was, on a terrible hormonal problem... my mother took me to a children's hospital in Delaware to have my issues fixed and diagnosed. I was diagnosed with type two diabetes and started to gain tons of weight, which destroyed my self-confidence and made my life, so much more worse. I ended up having problems breathing at night and sore throats... I had to have my tonsils and adenoids taken out. But my fears of death, were still there... they never went away and I always had to ask my mother, if, I was going to die and I wanted to stop asking, but, I couldn't.

Once, I was finally put in the right placement and school... I started to do, so well and made nationals and big meets for swimming... but, I was still having the thoughts of death and it was holding me back, so much. I am a Roman Catholic and made all of my sacraments... but, I just couldn't understand why, I couldn't push the thoughts away. I thought, it was, just the way, I was wired. Once, twelfth grade came along, I started not to think, about it as much... I became busy... thinking, about college, what, I wanted to do with my life... and my grades and things started to look optimistic for once. I applied to all of the colleges, I really wanted to go to and was accepted. I ended up choosing to go to Duke University... where, I met my husband... he, was not attending school there, but his sister was. My husband went to the USNA in Annapolis, MD... we, kept a long distance relationship. Once we, both graduated college... he went to serve in the Navy... and I decided, I wanted go to medical school. I went to medical school at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine... in my third year, my husband and I got married. When, I started my residency, I became pregnant with my first child. At that point, I decided, I was going to enlist in the Navy as a doctor. Once, my son was born... those thoughts came back... not, just about me... but, about my son... I started to have emotional breakdowns and it got worse when my husband, wasn't around. When, my turned one... in May a few months later... I found out, I was pregnant again and due in June. My fears seemed at bay... because of how well, I started to do with my son and that my irrational fears weren't there. My son turned two and then my other son was born in the middle of June... and of course my fears were back and worse this time... but as my sons grew, I started to feel better and my fears were once again at bay... two years later, I became pregnant again and was serving in local military hospitals and clinics. Then, my third son was born in July... and my fears were back and worse than ever... I started to imagine the worst happening to my sons and my husband and I... then my family... it became, so bad... I had to have my mother come and help... I felt, almost paralyzed by fear. I felt, maybe, I wasn't being a good mother and I was a head case and my children would have my problems... my mother and husband promised me they were fine, I was a good mother and I needed to take some time to myself. I did exactly that... my mother watched my sons and my husband and I went to the U.S. Virgin Islands for a week... it seemed to help a bit... but, I was freaking out, thinking maybe something would happen to my kids and that we, would die on a plane crash and all of these crazy thoughts. By time, my sons were seven, five, three... I became pregnant again with my daughter. I had my daughter in late October and I started to picture myself in her and didn't want her to go through what, I went through... and was scared out of my mind. I went on anxiety medication and it seemed to help, but not really... I still couldn't stop being obsessive and worried everything my kids did, I worried... when they, started going to school... I started to worry... I would call my husband every day when, I was done seeing patients to make sure... he, thought the kids were okay... then the day when, I wasn't satisfied with the answer... I would call the school and they would tell me they were okay and there was no need to worry.

Now, I constantly worry and I think, I am psychic and I know, when people are going to die... or I get these weird feelings and of course, none of them happened. I don't know, why, I think this... but, I can't stop and my one son, will be in sixth grade this coming fall... I am, beyond worried and scared. As, anyone been through this? Is this normal? What should, I do?

Thank you!





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