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So I'm 21 years old. My life has been a constant uphill battle since I was 13 or so. I don't know what is wrong with me and I'm emotionally hurting everyday of my life.

I'll try to touch into my history a bit to help better understand me. I grew up with divorced parents. My dad was especially hard to get along with and a difficult person all around. He was very mean and hostile towards my mother, and would often use me to hurt her. In 7th grade my grades began to slip and he blamed my mother. He illegally forced me to stay at his house during the week and every other weekend. He would threaten me and my mom with lawyers and court if we ever tried to stop it. My mother wasn't financially well off like my dad, and me being a kid I was afraid of him. He would get really mean about my grades. He would yell so loudly the windows would shake. He would yell at me for not understanding my homework, or even not having any homework. I would beg my teachers to assign me work to avoid that. He worked 12 hour shifts as a nurse and would make me come home to sit by myself at the kitchen table. We lived in the middle of nowhere so it was lonely and for a kid even scary. I wasn't allowed to watch tv or call my mom even. I was only allowed to do my homework until he got home at 8pm. If I finished my homework I had to sit there and review it. I was miserable.

So in 2007 when I was 13 years old, my dad was killed by a drunk driver while he was on his motorcycle. It was a very sad time as losing a parent at a young age is never good. I had to leave my school and my friends behind to go to a school closer to my mom's house. Although this was a terrible time, I was relieved that nothing could stand in the way of me and my mom's relationship any longer. For so many years she took so much emotional abuse and never once spoke ill of my dad.

My grades did take a toll after my dad's passing. I was depressed and unmotivated. I barely got through 8th grade and 9th was even worse. In 9th grade, my sister had a baby that passed away due to sids. It was very disturbing seeing such a small infant in a casket. Just horrible. I refused to go back to school and was homeschooled until I finally dropped out altogether.

So let's fast forward to early 2011 when I was 17. I found my mom unresponsive in the bathroom one morning and called an ambulance. A few hours later my step dad called to tell me she had pneumonia. When I got to the hospital it turned out to be worse. My mom was a 30 year smoker and had no oxygen going to the brain. She had blood clots in her lungs and the doctor said she could very well die that night. I remember how shocked and helpless I felt. My whole family crying around me and all I wanted to do was hit something. She spent a month in a coma before improving. The doctor called her a "medical miracle". So when she got home it was the best feeling ever. I felt like the luckiest person in the world because a month before her doctor told us she was going to die. Now here she is walking and talking again.

Obviously her health never fully restored. She had to quit smoking. They said her next cigarette could be her last. She had another lengthy hospital stay in 2012 but it wasn't as serious as last time. But in 2013 her health began to deteriorate. On mother's day 2013, I once again had to get her an ambulance. During this time I felt especially guilty because I was off with my friends every night being a 19 year old. I never thought that her health was getting worse. So after two weeks or so in her last hospital stay, they sent her to hospice. Which we all knew what that meant. She spent a few days in hospice before sending her home. Then she passed shortly after that.

My step dad was so heartbroken by my mom's passing. He hit a depression that he couldn't get out of. Not to mention the overwhelming hospital bills left to pay for my mom. I remember being so isolated from my family and partying all the time as a way to cope with my own emotions. In January 2014, roughly 7 months after my mom passed, I found my step dad cold and lifeless on his bed. The coroner called it a heart attack. He had dental work done the day before and he had high blood pressure so they thought maybe his heart couldn't take it. AndI couldn't believe this was actually happening. I had officially lost everything. My parents, my home, my pets and many personal belongings. I had to move into my grandparents house. I started abusing pain pills and cocaine. And drinking heavily.

I never thought my life would have gotten to that point. I was so depressed but I'd keep myself busy by work. There was this wonderful coworker of mine who I spent a lot of time talking to. She knew I had just been through a horrible time. We would spend everyday talking. From morning to night literally. I never got tired of her company. She made me feel so important and happy. I finally felt good for the first time in years.

She had a boyfriend at the time, and when they broke up it was time for me to return the favor of being there for her. I never felt like I knew someone better. We were both emotionally hurting and we were both there for each other. Needless to say I fell so deeply in love with her. I definitely was wanting more out of the relationship. She left our work for a new job but we stayed close. I found out she had kept a sexual relationship with her ex and I didn't take the news well. I confessed my feelings and she gently turned me down. It felt like a knife had gone through my heart. I said many hurtful things that I later regretted. This just proves how wonderful she was, because she forgave me. Unfortunately my addictions were still very bad.

I left town to try to clear my mind and get sober. I spent a few months in Northern California before returning home. I still spoke to this girl almost everyday and I still had strong feelings for her but I didn't mention them anymore because I couldn't afford to lose such a great friend.

So I got to where I was missing home. I thought I was sober enough and mentally well enough to go back home. One thing she stressed to me though was she wouldn't put up with my anger and I had to stay sober. I managed to for a month or so and relapsed. When I told her she obviously was very angry because she wouldn't speak to me.

So here I am, four months later and still not a peep from her. I miss her so badly and I've sent her probably 30 apologies and none of them got a response. I do not want it to seem like I'm playing the victim because all of this could have been prevented by me. But it hurts to lose someone so special. In fact, out of everything I've ever been through this is the most traumatic experience of my life. It's one thing to grieve over a passed loved one, but it hurts so much more grieving over someone you could never have and eventually lost altogether because of your own stupidity. I'm sober now, which is good, but every day is so hurtful. I feel so depressed and alone. I can't get my family or friends to see my pain. I have so many emotions. Anger, Sadness are the main two. I just want to be normal again. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel so alone anymore. Is there any hope for me?





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