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Mental Health Message Board

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Hi Punchy

Hugs to each of you here!

I don't know any one that can just accept each other as we are and stay off each others' backs. There is no specific fix for male sexual dysfunction, money or job problems. There is no safe or specific fix for females issues, either. We each have to come to terms with our own bodies. Life with the opposite sex is uncertain at best.

Most women go through completely normal menopause. Normal means any and all symptoms we might get. There is not a completely safe or easy or quick solution for menopause symptoms, just like there is no quick fix for male impotence...people are complicated. Let's imagine if you have a poor self-image, or are completely devastated by work or money issues or are having erection issues. Imagine if your wife kept telling you there is something wrong with you and that you need to get it fixed so she doesn't have to deal with it. I'm sure each of you would thank her and run right out and get it fixed so she wouldn't have to be subjected to it, right? I don't think so.

After a failed first marriage and 35 years of second marriage, I dearly empathize with how difficult male-female relationships are... there may be degrees of difficulty, but marriage is always difficult to say the least. If any couple always gets along, I quarantee that one of them is not speaking up.

However, I am astounded how nasty some of the judgements are along with statements of how much the wives are respected and loved; yet, these wives want a divorce or separation or are hoping there is someone else out there for her that is different than you. They must be only crazy menopausal, right? But they couldn't possibly be sick and tired of what they get from you?

Marriage conflict is always about two people, not ever just about one person. So please get a grip guys and take a look at yourselves, since ourselves are all we can control or change. I see a lot of resentment here...yes, mixed in with sadness and confusion. But how you feel doesn't justify blaming everything on her natural processes. I have seen a lot of normal marital conflicts in the messages here that are unrelated to menopause. This is not all about the natural processes.

NOT saying your wives are right, either. Just saying we each are only responsible for our own attitude. Maybe you guys need to read some co-dependency material to help you see yourselves and what you are responsible for.

Maybe instead of being angry and irritated you could be understanding that many females go through absolute hell and feelings of guilt about these things over which she has no control, and instead draw a warm bath for her, lay out some stems of flowers in the room, stop expecting sex or anything positive from her unless or until she lets you know she is ready for it, and treat her like an attractive woman that you LOVE. not like she is the worst possible trouble in your life. Would you act like that if she had cancer, or was in a train wreck? She very likely does feel like she is [U]in[/U] a train wreck.

Believe me, I know which message she is getting from you. You may believe she doesn't feel disrespected by you, but if you think that, you are wrong. Attitude cannot be hidden. I don't think it is your intention, but listen, relationships involve the dynamic of two people, and you guys really can be a huge turn off, just as we gals also can be. with yourselves.

So the answer is not about how you can make sure she changes, but really what can YOU do for yourself to get through it. If you get off her back and take care of your own attitude, needs and business, she will figure out what she needs to do for herself. You might not agree with or like the choices. But we can only effect change in ourselves. Stop dwelling on how you want her to change. You didn't win her over by dwelling on her negatives, and won't now.

Change your own attitudes...not so easy, is it? Not for us either.

If your woman is overthetop abusive, you can say where you are going (not angrily) and choose to go to the other bedroom, couch or extended family's house or take a walk. Remain open to talking if she will talk without blowing up. If not, quietly leave the area at least. Don't accept abuse. But don't ignore her need for not being judged or blamed for normal and stressful female processes, either. Leave that out of the subject.

Of the best working relationships each person respectfully leaves each others' personal responsibility (such as medical decisions, emotions, what to eat, etc.) to them, and takes care of one's own responsibilities. Start doing that yourself and it will be the best gift you can give your marriages.

Let the steaming hot anger die down, and you just may find that you do still have a mate to work things out with.

Or stay focused on her natural body functions and see how far that gets you.

Just sayin'

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