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Autobiography


**This is the first time I have ever shared my entire story with someone besides my fiancé. A few chosen friends know a few details, but that's as far as it goes. I'm writing this because I want to face this head on, and CONQUER it**

It all started when I was 10 years old. I couldn't escape. I couldn't run away. I couldn't ignore it. Most of all, I couldn't defeat it. Not only was there no reason, but there was no warning signs before it all started.

When it happened, at first, I would feel almost like it was a dream. I lost all sense of what was real and what was fake. I'd pinch myself to see if it hurt, and it always did, but the force was so strong that it still seemed like everything wasn't real, like it was a dream. I was only 10, I didn't know enough to tell someone. I definitely didn't know that things would only get worse with time.

Now before you go making assumptions about what this is, I'll tell you. It's depression, and I have it with a capital D. From the age of 10 on, it only got worse. Sometimes I could find ways to cure it for a while, sometimes I thought it would never subside.

By 11 I was having what I call "urges" (for lack of a better name). These "urges" made me do things more than once. I had to do them a set number of times. Like say the last word of every sentence 3 times, or check to see if the door was locked before I went to school 10 times. It was almost like I had obsessive compulsive disorder, but it would come and go.

By 12 these "urges" turned into sinister things. Like when one of my family members would ask me to get them something, like a glass of pop, I would get the "urge" to reach under the sink for some Lysol or other chemical spray and put some in the glass. The worst thing about them was that when I got them, I lost my sense of reality. So at these times, it seemed that if I did do it, nothing would actually happen as a result because "it wasn't real". The "urges" would come and go, on for 1 or 2 months and stop for 1 or 2 months. But every time I thought they were over, they would start back up again. I had way more self control than to act on them, but a person, let alone a 12 year old, wasn't supposed to have these thoughts in the first place. Were they?

By 13 I was having even stronger "urges". These "urges" ranged from stabbing my parents to death with a knife while they were sleeping to killing myself. Keep in mind I never WANTED to do these things. But my "urges" tried to get my body to act them out. Not only was it scary that I was having these thoughts in the first place, but that I lost my sense of reality when they happened. I would be fine for 2 or 3 months and then out of no where they would hit. Sometimes lasting 6 months straight. The "urges", or thoughts as I will call them from now on, most predominantly came at night or when I was alone in my room.

At 14, these thoughts became so strong that at one point I had a knife to my wrist. I was crying. I didn't really want to die, but I didn't want to kill my family. I was thinking that the only way out was to end my own life, before I ended someone else's. I thought about all of the people that loved me and how much I loved them, and I put the knife back in the drawer and told myself from then on, I would fight this mean son of a ***** until I won.

15 and 16 were almost the same. I started taking an anti-depressant called Effexor. The doctor said my depression was probably hereditary, since my dad has some depression also. But, I never really told the doctor any of what was really going on, just that I felt down most of the time. I had the thoughts now and then. More good days than days with them. They were still there, but wouldn't come off and on like they used to. Now everyday was different. One day I'd have no thoughts at all, the next my whole day was full of them. All I can say that I'm luck that I have great self control. Some days the thoughts got so strong that I would sit down for an hour and just fight them.

At 17 the thoughts were almost entirely gone. I mean, yeah, I would have one here and there, but no more than one or two a week, if that much. However, it wasn't over. I started questioning the point of life. Why we were here, what is there to live for, why not die and save myself a lot of trouble, things like that. These would come and go like the thoughts used to. They were extremely strong, sometimes to the point where I would think killing myself was the best thing. But I found a way to defeat them. I would think about all the delicate, awesome things that God put on this Earth. Insect, flowers, mountains, sunsets, stars, how things worked, and the intricate design of each and every living thing here. These things seemed to ease my mind from the bad. When these question weren't in my head, I loved life, would want to live forever if I could. I guess you could say that it was kind of like being bi-polar, extreme ups one minute, and extreme downs the next. However, I got a higher dosage of Effexor and at 17 1/2, I was my normal self again, no thoughts, no strong questions, no downs.

At 18, I was still feeling great. A thought maybe once a month, if that. Up until about November of 2003, that's when I had very extreme down. I am now 19 and am still stuck in this rut. I don't enjoy much. The things I do enjoy make my down go away, that is, of course, until the enjoyful activity stops. Going out on the weekends to bowling or lazertag, playing video games, playing with my daughter and seeing my fiancé are the only things that keep me from my extreme low. I have never been so bad in my life. I am not having "urges", thoughts, or questions, I just am down, almost ALL OF THE TIME. It has gotten to the point where I have been missing school, sleep 13 hours or more and am still tired, and just don't really care about anything. I can actually say right now, that if my fiancé and daughter weren't in my life, I wouldn't be here. I just don't care anymore. I try to get out of this rut, but nothing I seem to try works. The last 3 days have been good, no extreme low. But I have a feeling, like before, this being normal won't last for long.

This is the story of my depression (or whatever it is), to the current: 02/08/04. I'm not sure if this is a call for help, or an information type paper. Maybe you'll better understand what someone having depression might go through after reading this. Maybe you know someone who can help. Whatever the case is, all I know, is that I'm fighting my best, but it seems like I'm getting beat, no matter how hard I try.



*** That was about 6 months ago since I wrote it. Since then I've been to counseling and they say the only thing that can help is meds. I got out of the depressed rut for about 1 month, then I went back in. I continue to have urges to kill family members and friends. And they get more and more intense. I'm only 19 years old. I have gotten very intense urges to commit suicide lately. They want me to go into a padded cell for a while, I'm scared (I'd have to drop out of school and I only have 1 month left etc), but I think cognitive therapy or something may be the best answer, I don't believe all of the med hype. I've tried Effexor and Paxil, both of which made me intensely suicidal and worse. I'm scared and not sure what to do. I cannot find an underlying cause for this, nor how to stop it. My NP diagnosed me with anxiety, obsessive compulsive thoughts, and severe depression. Any Ideas? Have you ever heard of this (a surreal feeling to kill people, like it feels at the time if I would actually do it, I would wake up and none of it would have happened). My family has locked up all of the knives and chemicals per my request. Please respond, I'm not sure in what direction to go to get help. Thank YOU.
[QUOTE=A_Phobia_J]Autobiography


**This is the first time I have ever shared my entire story with someone besides my fiancé. A few chosen friends know a few details, but that's as far as it goes. I'm writing this because I want to face this head on, and CONQUER it**

It all started when I was 10 years old. I couldn't escape. I couldn't run away. I couldn't ignore it. Most of all, I couldn't defeat it. Not only was there no reason, but there was no warning signs before it all started.

When it happened, at first, I would feel almost like it was a dream. I lost all sense of what was real and what was fake. I'd pinch myself to see if it hurt, and it always did, but the force was so strong that it still seemed like everything wasn't real, like it was a dream. I was only 10, I didn't know enough to tell someone. I definitely didn't know that things would only get worse with time.

Now before you go making assumptions about what this is, I'll tell you. It's depression, and I have it with a capital D. From the age of 10 on, it only got worse. Sometimes I could find ways to cure it for a while, sometimes I thought it would never subside.

By 11 I was having what I call "urges" (for lack of a better name). These "urges" made me do things more than once. I had to do them a set number of times. Like say the last word of every sentence 3 times, or check to see if the door was locked before I went to school 10 times. It was almost like I had obsessive compulsive disorder, but it would come and go.

By 12 these "urges" turned into sinister things. Like when one of my family members would ask me to get them something, like a glass of pop, I would get the "urge" to reach under the sink for some Lysol or other chemical spray and put some in the glass. The worst thing about them was that when I got them, I lost my sense of reality. So at these times, it seemed that if I did do it, nothing would actually happen as a result because "it wasn't real". The "urges" would come and go, on for 1 or 2 months and stop for 1 or 2 months. But every time I thought they were over, they would start back up again. I had way more self control than to act on them, but a person, let alone a 12 year old, wasn't supposed to have these thoughts in the first place. Were they?

By 13 I was having even stronger "urges". These "urges" ranged from stabbing my parents to death with a knife while they were sleeping to killing myself. Keep in mind I never WANTED to do these things. But my "urges" tried to get my body to act them out. Not only was it scary that I was having these thoughts in the first place, but that I lost my sense of reality when they happened. I would be fine for 2 or 3 months and then out of no where they would hit. Sometimes lasting 6 months straight. The "urges", or thoughts as I will call them from now on, most predominantly came at night or when I was alone in my room.

At 14, these thoughts became so strong that at one point I had a knife to my wrist. I was crying. I didn't really want to die, but I didn't want to kill my family. I was thinking that the only way out was to end my own life, before I ended someone else's. I thought about all of the people that loved me and how much I loved them, and I put the knife back in the drawer and told myself from then on, I would fight this mean son of a ***** until I won.

15 and 16 were almost the same. I started taking an anti-depressant called Effexor. The doctor said my depression was probably hereditary, since my dad has some depression also. But, I never really told the doctor any of what was really going on, just that I felt down most of the time. I had the thoughts now and then. More good days than days with them. They were still there, but wouldn't come off and on like they used to. Now everyday was different. One day I'd have no thoughts at all, the next my whole day was full of them. All I can say that I'm luck that I have great self control. Some days the thoughts got so strong that I would sit down for an hour and just fight them.

At 17 the thoughts were almost entirely gone. I mean, yeah, I would have one here and there, but no more than one or two a week, if that much. However, it wasn't over. I started questioning the point of life. Why we were here, what is there to live for, why not die and save myself a lot of trouble, things like that. These would come and go like the thoughts used to. They were extremely strong, sometimes to the point where I would think killing myself was the best thing. But I found a way to defeat them. I would think about all the delicate, awesome things that God put on this Earth. Insect, flowers, mountains, sunsets, stars, how things worked, and the intricate design of each and every living thing here. These things seemed to ease my mind from the bad. When these question weren't in my head, I loved life, would want to live forever if I could. I guess you could say that it was kind of like being bi-polar, extreme ups one minute, and extreme downs the next. However, I got a higher dosage of Effexor and at 17 1/2, I was my normal self again, no thoughts, no strong questions, no downs.

At 18, I was still feeling great. A thought maybe once a month, if that. Up until about November of 2003, that's when I had very extreme down. I am now 19 and am still stuck in this rut. I don't enjoy much. The things I do enjoy make my down go away, that is, of course, until the enjoyful activity stops. Going out on the weekends to bowling or lazertag, playing video games, playing with my daughter and seeing my fiancé are the only things that keep me from my extreme low. I have never been so bad in my life. I am not having "urges", thoughts, or questions, I just am down, almost ALL OF THE TIME. It has gotten to the point where I have been missing school, sleep 13 hours or more and am still tired, and just don't really care about anything. I can actually say right now, that if my fiancé and daughter weren't in my life, I wouldn't be here. I just don't care anymore. I try to get out of this rut, but nothing I seem to try works. The last 3 days have been good, no extreme low. But I have a feeling, like before, this being normal won't last for long.

This is the story of my depression (or whatever it is), to the current: 02/08/04. I'm not sure if this is a call for help, or an information type paper. Maybe you'll better understand what someone having depression might go through after reading this. Maybe you know someone who can help. Whatever the case is, all I know, is that I'm fighting my best, but it seems like I'm getting beat, no matter how hard I try.



*** That was about 6 months ago since I wrote it. Since then I've been to counseling and they say the only thing that can help is meds. I got out of the depressed rut for about 1 month, then I went back in. I continue to have urges to kill family members and friends. And they get more and more intense. I'm only 19 years old. I have gotten very intense urges to commit suicide lately. They want me to go into a padded cell for a while, I'm scared (I'd have to drop out of school and I only have 1 month left etc), but I think cognitive therapy or something may be the best answer, I don't believe all of the med hype. I've tried Effexor and Paxil, both of which made me intensely suicidal and worse. I'm scared and not sure what to do. I cannot find an underlying cause for this, nor how to stop it. My NP diagnosed me with anxiety, obsessive compulsive thoughts, and severe depression. Any Ideas? Have you ever heard of this (a surreal feeling to kill people, like it feels at the time if I would actually do it, I would wake up and none of it would have happened). My family has locked up all of the knives and chemicals per my request. Please respond, I'm not sure in what direction to go to get help. Thank YOU.[/QUOTE]

This sounds severe, and perhaps meds are the only answer for all I know (I'm very anti-meds). But this sounds serious.

It also sounds like there may be a reason for it, however, since it abruptly began when you were ten. Is there anything you can remember around that time that would make you feel you and your family needed to die at your hand? Did something with that sort of outcome effect/scare/impact you, such as a newstory, movie, event, etc?

It only seems to effect you and your family, so was there any problems there? Obviously, since it doesn't spill over to other people like your daughter and fiance', it isn't something about just your nature, but something to do with your family, how you feel about them or yourself or both. It could be based on anger (abuse?) or fear of death. I think psychotherapy should be intensified if you can find a doctor who does that these days.

Think back, long and hard. You may not even remember the event for awhile. The reason I mention this is for years I had an eye/blindness fear and didn't know why when I was very young. It got so severe sometimes I wished blindness so I could stop being afraid of it! I feared I might hurt my eyes as a result, and call it an urge if you will.

But only when the whole incident was brought up out of the blue by my mom one day as an adult , did I remember an incident when my mom and I went to a mall when I was very young.... and a blind man was there begging.

I suddenly remembered the intense, sudden fear I felt when I saw his half-white eyes, since I was too young to understand it. I immediately realized that's what triggered the fear, after all these years. Luckily, I did get over it(no pills for kids in those days) but what I am saying is that I never realized such a simple thing could have caused it.

So I do hope you find the reason for your feelings. Once you know the source, that can help you finish off your fight to be rid of them. Good luck to you!





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