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My husband and I have been married for 7 years, a couple weeks a go my sister came to town to visit. I went shopping but when I returned I found my sister crying her eyes out and packing her things. Apparently, when she finished showering she stepped out of the tub only to see a spoon underneath the door, my husband was spying on her naked. This is the first time that I know of this ever happening, he tends to forget a lot of things we discuss and when he was younger he was sexually abused by his uncle. I know he needs help, please help me help him!
welcome to the board.
I don't think being abused by his Uncle has anything to do with sneaking a peek. He knows it's wrong. Honestly there isn't an excuse for invading someone's privacy. He violated her and it's wrong. I wouldn't just brush it off as a "guys thing". He needs to know how wrong it is. I would find out what his reasoning was for doing this. A serious apology to your sister is in order. Not much else you can really do. I feel sorry for your sister, I can't imagine how hurt she probably is. Good luck.
Dear Wife, :angel:
First of all, how old is your sister? How does someone spy on someone in the shower with a spoon? How reliable is sister's word? Could she be making it up? Maybe, your husband was sexually abused as a child, that doesn't meant that he has problems. I'm not saying that he does, but I want you to look at all the possibilities here. IF you husband admits doing it, OR you know that he has exhibited the symptoms of "sexual addiction" before, then he needs counseling, now.
Second of all, do you have small children that need to be protected from him? The "sexual offenders" that I worked with that didn't get help or counseling, usuallly "acted out", with their children, nephews, neices, or neighbors children.
Yours is a very serious problem! Please, don't be in Denial about what may be happening in your home! :nono:
If you have small children to protect, which a lot of "sexual offender" do, because they usually live with or marry women with children that can be their "potential victims".
No, I am not saying that your husband is a "sex addict" or a "sexual offender", but IF he is please.....don't continue to live with his sickness, insist that he either get some help---or LEAVE.
God loves you and so do I, Sally B. [Richmond, TX]
Seems like a lot to do about next to nothing.

Here people are almost claiming he should be separated to a planet without children.

It's not like the guy kicked the door in, or raped her or something.

Perspective.

I'm certain he couldn't possibly have seen one heck of a lot in a spoon.

Men do tend to be voyeuristic. Unless there is something more that supports that he's off-kilter, then I'd guess it's not a whole lot more significant than a boyish prank. He might have simply been trying to verify a true hair color. I don't advocate such behavior, but it doesn't seem significant enough to potentially ruin people's lives over. Especially without overt proof.

But, if the masses say to crucify, then don't let reason stand in the way.
What he did was wrong. Its plain and simple. He does need help. What kind of help is behond me.
Is there any other issues that need to be looked into?
[COLOR=Red][B]RESPONSE TO DOWNOTOWN BROWN (SORRY DID NOT PLACE RESPONSE IN CORRECT THREAD):[/B][/COLOR] My sister is in her mid-thirties and is married with a child. We don't have any kids. I know there would be no reason or motive for her to make something like this up. I need to know what kind of help I should seek and how can I fix things between my sister, my husband and I. I come from a large and close family of 6 sisters who now feel disgusted with my husband, which I don't blame them. However, I love my husband and I want to help him get better. But, I love my sisters and understand their disappointment and concern for me. I feel like I don't know my husband and I'm afraid if he would do something like this to someone so close to me what makes me think he would not do this to strangers. We were talking about making plans to have kids but now I just don't think that would be wise. I appreciate any help you can offer.
Not knowing your husband, this could go either way. You didn't say what age span you and he are in. If you are young, I would say maybe he gave into a moment of bad judgement. If he is older, I would be more concerned. Either way, I would make him go to a few sessions with me to a therapist and see if he has a real problem. Good Luck.
[QUOTE=Torque]Seems like a lot to do about next to nothing.

Here people are almost claiming he should be separated to a planet without children.

It's not like the guy kicked the door in, or raped her or something.

Perspective.

I'm certain he couldn't possibly have seen one heck of a lot in a spoon.

Unless there is something more that supports that he's off-kilter, then I'd guess it's not a whole lot more significant than a boyish prank. He might have simply been trying to verify a true hair color. I don't advocate such behavior, but it doesn't seem significant enough to potentially ruin people's lives over. Especially without overt proof.

But, if the masses say to crucify, then don't let reason stand in the way.[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with you on this one!

Voyeurism is a sexual addiction. I have worked with men [inmates], who had different forms of sexual addiction. There is an excellent book on Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes. Many people's lifes have been ruined by sexual addiction! :nono:
I have not said to crucify the man, and I did not tell anyone to get divorced. I suggested some options. Such as therapy. A normal man with no emotional problems or addictions--would NOT try to spy on, or look at someone's sister or Mother or cousin. It ain't normal! :eek:
Dear Wife in Crisis,
I already posted a short reply to one of the responders to your posting. I'm sorry, but ignorant people just piss me off.
I'm not sure how old you and your husband are, but if your sister is 30, then your probably around that age. ? I, also come from a large, close knit family of 6 too. If my brother-in-law tried to spy on me or one of my sisters in the shower or even came on to her. I can tell you--I would be really....pissed off! But...life goes on, and your married for 7 yrs, and if you and your sister are close, then she will get over it. IF he apoligizes, and promises to go to therapy for his problem. If he is an *** and says that he didn't do anything wrong, then my strategy would be a lot different.
A very good example of a "problem" and a "solution"--would be the fact that one of my brother-in-laws cheated on my sister. At first, yes the family was really pissed off at him, and felt bad for her. But...they had been married for 25 yrs. and besides his sexual addiction, he is a wonderful husband. He admitted that he did wrong and went to therapy. She has forgiven him and so have I and everyone else. I am blessed with a very loving and open-minded, Christian, and forgiving family.
I hope and pray that yours is too. You could try marriage counseling or individual therapy for him. Don't give up!
P.S. I forget to ask you if he has ever done anything like this before?
God bless you and yours, Sally B. Recovering Alcoholic/Addict
Gee, it appears I've been granted the title of ignorant person.

Let's review some facts.

It appears the lady in question has now blasphemed her husband with her family, without yet confronting him with the accusations.

And I'm an ignorant person.
oy.. it definately aint normal to spy on a relative.. even if he has the urge he should be able to control it. He needs counselling.
If your husband is guilty of watching your sister while in the shower HE IS A PERVERT!
Your sister should leave and never come back to visit again and if you were smart, you would go too.

Your husband's child abuse is no excuse for his behavior. The cycle of abuse must be broken. Look back and see if you have seen any other signs for perverted behavior in your husband. Be very suspicious of him.

If this is maybe a one-time thing, he needs to earn everyone's trust again. He owes you and your sister a lot for not beating him.





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