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[QUOTE=kleaf]Hey,

I don't even know if this is the place to be writing about my problems, but I guess it can't hurt. I'm sure you'll redirect me if I'm wrong.

I have this problem that is really affecting my relationships with everyone in my life. It's really hard to explain and I don't even really understand it, so stick with me.

I think I have this idea in my head that everyone is against me, or that everyone is out to hurt me. I've always been paranoid, but over the past few years it's gotten so much worse. If I'm secrely worrying about something, even if I KNOW it's stupid, I keep stressing about it until it consumes me and then I cause a fight with a bf or a family member or friend because of it. I'm alienating everyone.

My bf and I have been together 6 months and in the last 6 weeks we've nearly broken up twice because of it. I cause fights over nothing, and I don't even want to be doing it.. mostly it happens on the computer when we have to communicate there because we're both at home, but it's happened a few times in perosn too. We'll be sitting here talking and I'll get some stupid idea in my head about something random and it'll upset me or bother me a bit so I start getting stupid about it and saying things I don't even mean. The stupid thing is that I can sit here bawling my eyes out not wanting to fight but I can't stop saying what I'm saying.

Last night we had a fight about something coming up this weekend, he was being really awesome and trying to compromise, and I KNEW that.. but I felt like everyone was letting me down and ****ing things up so I was just going off at him even though he was doing his best to stay cool and sort it out so that everyone involved was happy. I'm so lucky he hasn't walked away from me, I've done this to him so much. I just attack him repeatedly and say **** I don't even mean, there's no way I want to hurt him so why am I doing this? I got so upset last night that I was having pain on the left side of my chest for about half an hour, I have no clue what it was though.

On three occasions in the last 6 months when this has gotten really bad I've turned into a hysterical mess. I've been seriously on the floor virtually screaming I'm crying so hard and I hate myself so much at those times that I just wanna hurt myself, and I've stupidly cut myself. I've only done it those three times but to me that is three times too many. And the next day when I have calmed down I am so ashamed of that.

I'm a mum who lives alone with her son, my bf isn't his dad, and he has some disablities.. so I don't know if I'm overly stressed or what it is. Either way it's getting out of control. I don't want to alienate everyone and end up alone. I don't know how to stop this though considering when I'm doing it I KNOW it's wrong, but I can't help myself.

I spoke to a social worker who said I should see my doctor.. she put me on some anti depressant that she said would help me 'settle' at night. I'm only on half a tablet at night, she said some people take it for anxiety. And wrote me a referral for a mental health clinic who I'm waiting on to call me back about an appointment and such.

Anyway, has anyone ever been like this? Does anyone know what I should do? I can go for a few weeks being the happiest thing in the world, then all of a sudden I turn. I can't stand it. I'm really starting to hate being me. I hope someone can help. I'm sorry if this hasnn't made much sense, it's so hard to put into words, feel free to query anything you don't understand.[/QUOTE]

I don't know why or how, but it sounds like you have been lead to believe you are unworthy of receiving love, so much so you can't even love yourself so you hurt yourself....perhaps doing that subconciously to get attention and love you crave, or just out of anger at yourself for not being worthy of love.....and naturally you can't believe your boyfriend loves you either, so you are constantly testing him and if you can get him to leave, that will further prove to yourself you are not worth love.

It's self sabotage, self hate...why? Because most likely and probably someone you looked (or expected naturally) to for love as a child did not give that to you, and that made you feel unworthy of being loved.

Hey, it's just a guess, I'm no psychologist, but I've heard this type of story before from others, and they have always had that sort of rejection from someone who was supposed to love them (usually expected love like from a mom or dad) but either didn't or didn't act like they did...and this isn't limited to one person always either.





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