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[QUOTE=annarayne]im not sure if this is nothing or something. i've always felt that something was up with me since i was very young. i never felt the same as other kids, never saw things as they did.. i started insomnia very young.. probably around the age of 10. i do think i was depressed as a kid, not sure how it's possible but looking back i do think i was. i don't think i am now, mostly because i've realized it and have found out life is better to look at positively then just negatively so much.

i do think i still have some kind of issue though. i don't know what but it's getting in the way a lot. i don't think it's depression (unless it's just a different kind from before..). here's a basic rundown.. i don't get along very well with people my age (i'm 19 at the current moment) and this has happened my entirely life sinc ei was young, i can associate better with those who are older then i am. i don't feel i'm better then anyone, just the opposit.. i feel i'm below everyone else. i feel like i'm constantly trying to make others happy, not make them think better of myself.. i do worry that people aren't genuine with me. i stress and worry often, frustrate easily.. i sometimes can get very irritated by the littlest thing and annoyed by something that after i look at it, was just rediculous to do so. with work, i'm very confident about my job, i know what to do... but i get very overwhelmed by it. i can't even relax for 2 minutes to just enjoy whatever i'm doing. people don't really make me feel better when they say things like "you should smile, you look angry".. when i'm really just not even thinking about that because i'm just overwhelmed. i can get very emotional.. it tends to go from one extreem to the next. i often feel i'm at fault for a lot of things.. i apologize for everything. not that i don't mean the apology... i just feel i need to always. i bottle up things a lot, then at the most inappropriate time it comes out.. i also have this other thing, these obssessive thoughts. they're very disturbing.. i'm not sure a normal person would just think that sort of stuff? here's an example, one that's probably the most common. if there's a knife around me, or in my hands.. i get a very strong urge or thought to stab.. of course i dont.. but the thought is so persistent to just take the knife and stab myself.. i'm not sure if that's normal for some people to get these weird urges. when i do actually relax, it feels like my body won't let me.. i get these shakes, well.. more of a few seconds kind of thing where my whole body just jolts and the air in my lungs escapes.. like my body is shocking itself.. often this happens when i'm getting those images in my head. i'm not sure if it's relalted, or really even has anything to do with this.. at times i feel cold, emotionless.. i know i can feel but at times it's like there's nothing in me. just an uncaring attitude mostly.. not a hateful one or a down one.. just a huge void inside. i also get headaches and migraines very often.. more then necessary.

i guess the biggest thing i'm worried about are those urges i get. i know people will think odd things.. and that ocd is a possibility.. i think it's just more so concering in how strong it is. it's not just a thought, but a force, a pull, something that tells me "you want to do this"... though i know i don't actually want to. sometimes i worry it could happen and its caused a huge irrational fear of sharp things. i tend to avoid that stuff as much as possible especially when i know i'll have these urges.

that's really all i can think of. my bf is kind of concerned and thinks that something is wrong with me. i guess that's kind of why i came here looking for answers. he feels that i'm closed off and don't show emotion... in contrast to before hand.. my feelings for him have not changed so it's not a matter of that. he thinks it may be caused by something beyond my control and i guess it's possible. any help would be great. thanks[/QUOTE]

You sound almost EXACTLY like me at those ages. I wasn't mistreated as a young child yet I felt depressed and disconnected at a very early age. I remember wondering why I felt so sad, because I couldn't find a reason. At age 19 I was ragingly angry and depressed and had urges to hurt myself - sometimes I'd slam my fist against a wall out of self-hatred. I got the same reaction from people - Why in the world do you look so angry?? The whole world seemed hateful and gloomy to me. I couldn't see happiness in my future, or hope.
Many of my problems were solved by a good psychiatrist. You may need to spend good money, but it will be well worth it. Many of your symptoms can be treated with medication, believe it or not. You won't suddenly turn into Little Miss Mary Sunshine, but you will feel more normal, stronger and more confident wtih the right prescription. Your rage won't be as intense, and your depression will lift. You should be able to sleep through the night, wake up in the morning and deal with whatever comes your way. A good doctor can help you get there, and sooner than you think - just please don't wait!! Trust me, I've been there.

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