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Mental Health Message Board

Mental Health Board Index

We went to hide at my mothers work at then a few days later he called and said he's no longer on the prozac or whatever and we basically negotiated. He didn't get into the violent mood anymore but the new stuff he took (think it was valium or vicodin?) made him really depressed. He'd overdose on it and he'd be in a cranky mood or a really depressed mood and stutter his words. He would always say thing how he wishes he was as smart as us or how he couldn't run a business, while I was trying to run one my self it didn't do to well. He basically completely lost him self.

Alright moving on this is where he just completely became a different person. My dad I remember went into the garage and turned on the generator (gas powered) and I guess he tried to breathe in the fumes to kill him self then got panicked and called an ambulance. I remember I was talking to my girlfriend online in the basement (my computer was screwed up) and some police walked downstairs asking about my dad, they also saw gas containers in the basement saying they were dangerous. My dad walked out of the ambulance and he looked really tired and he looked half dead. Stuttered his words. I called my mother and she basically said "damnit I knew this would happen". He never snapped out of this phase. We went to the wavepool the nextday and weren't going to go with my dad, he came along but again his eyes were read, he was stuttering his words and he just looked like a mess. He confused 3 woman as my mother and he was just completely screwed up. It was like a zombie. I remember when we went to eat he just sat there and looked dead my mother couldn't stand to be near him. He wouldn't go in the pool just sat on the chair looking at the ground. He would also never get out of bed. Constantly would go to KFC as he didn't give a crap anymore (which is sorta symbolic to me and for some reason I cannot eat KFC or it reminds me of my father).

This is the last time I saw my dad. He went to his rusty van and had a black leather case and he looked all screwy, I listened to one of his calls (he recorded them all to his computer) and dorthy said she was in the hospital he went there to visit her. From whatI heard he pulled a gun out and said he was going to kill all the hospital staff and police in the world for making there lives the way they were. The police arrested him and I guess he was put in some sorta mental facility again. Except this time he had access to a phone. I was very depressed and my mother tried getting us out of the house taking us to Michigan where my aunt used to live, and then we went to some GENCON event in Wisconsin. My dad cut off my mothers cell again. I remember the next day I went downstairs on one of my dads computers in the basement and my mother said "Matt we're moving". My heart raced because I couldn't believe it. She said we were moving by my aunt in Florida. I just called the friends I had and let them know because it was august and almost time for school as a junior (august 2002).

My dad kept trying to call and talk to us but I wouldn't talk to him. He sounded sane but had a personality like "I'm innocent don't listen to what your moms says". My mother wouldn't talk to him, my aunts came over to help us pack and we had a long drive to Florida (2 days). School had already started in Florida but we weren't enrolled yet. When we started school I hated it. Around December 2002 I started up a company which became quite succesful later on, but also in that month my dad had found out some information where we lived through a social security search. He was battling for custody of us and had the DCFS come to our house claiming our mother was abusing us an all kinds of sick games. He would contact me online claiming how messed up my mother was (still have the conversations saved on my computer) and how she was the sick one and not him. We had to go to court but I said I didn't want to see my dad and I never did but I talked to the lawyer. My dad called us on the phone claiming I was just a puppet and I refused to talk to him on the phone.

We were living out of a rental house and I remember my moms old friend said that my dad was at their house with a camera around his neck and asked them if they had seen his wife. She said he needed to leave and I guess he was wearing dirty clothes and unshaven, a big mess. Also he was diagnosed as Psychotic I believe it was. They tried shock therapy but that failed. He would contact me online time to time saying he could track us by GPS installed on my mothers van and hidden cameras on our computers (I highly doubt he had any but I know that he had these small fiber optic looking cameras he would install sometimes on customers computers). I rebuilt my computer when we moved so I knew he couldn't have.

Sometime in the middle of March of 2003 was a different day. I remember my dad had not contacted me the entire month of March and I thought that was strange. I just figured it was a relief. I remember at my votec I was talking to my instructer about the most painful ways to die just because somehow the discussion was brought up. I was really good friends with my instructor who taught a computer course but was also a doctor. I figured the rest of the day would be alright. But when I went to wait for my mother to pick me up my aunts van was there and both my mother and my aunt sounded upset. She asked if I wanted something to eat and then we went to my house and my mother said she needed to tell me something. I said "Is dad dead? good!" not really meaning it. Then she said "I received a call this morning from alabama police that they found dad in his car". "He was dead". I couldn't believe it and I felt like everything I did in my life was useless. It was a horrible feeling, I just wanted to die, I went to my computer and smashed the keyboard over my head and I left a pretty bad bump on my head. My mother tried to calm me down and we sat in the living room and my aunt said that we'd be finacically secure the rest of our life. (my dad always talked about how the family would be happy if he was dead because we could live like kings and hence the reason he always talked about suicide, he also had 500,000 dollar life insurance policyh while working with abbot). I didn't care at all about money. I couldn't sleep at all and missed the next 2 days of school.

We had to schedule a funeral and had to fly in to Chicago. My dad was cremated and at the funeral I felt weird, I was sad but I wasn't crying like everyone else, it was strange to see family I had never seen and everything seemed unreal, I felt like he shouldn't have died the way he did alone in a car with the feeling of failure. 2 months later we received the money and the happiness lasted a while and it boosted my business huge to the point I made a name for my self.

After a while though I had a lot of depression issues and feel much the same way my dad did. My company went under about 5 months ago and although we bought a house and everything we ever wanted I have lost a lot of interest in what I used to have interest in. I cannot let the fact that my father died get out of my head, everyday, every minute, every hour it comes accross my mind that I did something that caused it. When my dad died we received everything he owned, he had 2 laptops in his car that were meant for us, we weren't able to access the harddrives because they were locked with a level 1 read with password protection so we never got through those but I did find my dads computer as he took most of his things from the house. I cracked the password to that and found many things, documents, invoices, history, phone recordings, pictures, just his whole life saved on his computer. There were years of data from all the way back from 1991 up to march 1st 2001 when he decided to leave to try to come to our house. The strange thing was many of his log entrys were either lies or somewhat of a truth but in his version and the thing is he fell into most of those lies or half truths and believed them himself.

My mother always said that we would end up being either emotionally damaged or end up visiting psychirachists but while that hasn't happened I can't seem to get through life as I have dissastisfaction of everything, nothing seems to be as special as it once was, and I can never sleep at night. The mental illness runs in my fathers family, when he died I was told he was bipolar, scizifrenic, multi personality, psychotic, and some other stuff. From the medications he took I don't know if he was better off without them or taking them but I am really concerned about my future and if it will become what his ended as.

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