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Mental Health Message Board

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It's seems like my whole adult life has been a series of bad decisions.
I've been arrested for DWI, asault and criminal tresspass. I got my girlfriend pregnant then married her and I don't think I really love her. I often don't perform well at work. I cheat on my wife and then completely freak out that I've contracted Herpes or HIV which lasts for 6 months then I get over it and cheat again (cycle repeats). I've spent thousands of dollars at massage parlors - and not the reputable kind. We had a second child. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt because I'm financially irresponsible (my wife is also this way so its a bad combination) I often feel like I just don't care. I know there are consequences for my actions but I ignore them. I've been going to happy hour several nights a week with my female coworker whom I occasionally sleep with. I'm consumed by guilt, anxiety and depression. I constantly think I have something physically wrong with me. I've been to the doctors office dozens of times and they always say I'm healthy. On the outside I appear to be a respectable father and good husband. I live in a fairly nice home and make 70K/year. I work on a securities desk for a large financial services company, it's high stress and I hate everything about it especially my 32 year old boss (I'm 34). Why can't I get my s__t toghether, grow-up and take responsibility for my actions. I know my bad decisions are making me miserable but I can't stop making them. It's like I'm addicted. When I do try to walk the straight and narrow my life seems so empty. It's like I need to feel guilty/anxious/depressed/paranoid otherwise I only feel apathy and resentment. Am I just a bad person or is this a mental condition?

Thanks for listening.

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