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Am I alone?
Mar 27, 2006
For years I have worried something is wrong with me. But its a bit more complicated than that. I think I am going insane sometimes, then I will realise I am not, then I will think I ought to go insane because I have to travel to other dimensions to discover true reality underlying all things, then I will get scared and worry that I have pushed too far, dabbled too much with forces I can't control and that I will go insane. Yet I know thinking I might go mad is a good indication I won't but I can't stop worrying about it. When I am around other people (which is not often as I am quite solitary) I often overhear them saying "she's crazy" "yeah she's losing it" "she's so ****ed up" "she's going to get thrown out of university because she is... (undeterminable due to muffled sound) ...shes really odd" etc but at the same time I kinda accept they could be talking about anyone really, but then they glare at me, people are always glaring at me and I never even considered the possibility I was misinterpreting things (I dont think I am but it never even crossed my mind) before some woman doing research asked me if I thought they really were or not. I mean, why would I bring it up even if I didn't beleive it. And how can you be mistaken about a thing like that.

When I was younger (13ish) I was scared one day I'd get schizophrenia, as I got older and deeper into adolesence with all the hormons I changed my prediction and thought I had bipolar. I've always been a hypochondriac, as an 8 year old I read the family medical book every day, over and over and every day concluded I had meningitis, I never told anyone I had menengitis and I went to school feeling so proud of my martyrdom that despite being struck with a terrible disease of menengitis I was still going. So I know thats an issue for me. Hypochondria. And nowadays it is significantly focused on the psychological.

I don't think I am depressed (or have ever experienced depression - angst, alienation, sparkly sadness behind the veil yes, profound apathy, yes depression no) and I don't any longer think I get manic (I thought about it, and I realised that when I am euphoric its a very solitary self contained introverted introspective thing, I may bounce around my room, but in public I am as withdrawn and introverted as ever. Also the whole "goal directed activity" thing, I don't do that, when I feel hyperactive my mind becomes way to distractible to make plans and act on them, I just do random ****, open doors, close them, get up sit down, walk one way, then the other without reasons, pick up a pen put it down, squirt toothpaste on my hands then become grossed out by the sensations and scream and wash it off, bounce on the bed etc).

I don't really think I am at risk for psychosis because I am so self aware, because it is a persistant fear (and people always say if you are scared of going insane your not) and because the concept is pretty absurd. Other people can go mad because other people are already a little out of step with reality AS IS. But I can't because I am generally significantly better than others at determining the reality content of things. I don't beleive in new age bollox or homeopathy or that humans are actually dragons trapped in humans bodies (otherkin) I am a very sceptical person. That said I obsess over psychosis over and over I know its not happened yet but I fear that it will happen, or that people will misinterpret things that will happen related to my spiritual growth as actually being psychotic and then they'll destroy me.

Anyway, I want to know, really, what I really want to know is if anyone else in the world feels the way I do. I will warn you if you claim to I will instantly be suspicious of you because people who have identified with the things I have said in the past have then proceeded to deliberatly **** with my head and its got me on my guard, but I still long not to be alone, so here goes.

I am doing badly at uni, I didn't attend for a month or so (and I only attended erraticly prior to that). I don;t have the organisational skills to be as self directive with the work as people want me to be, so I have basically done very little of it and in all likelyhood I will either have to drop out or repete the year. Another thing that makes it hard is I am nocturnal and no lectures cater for this (most are at like 9am!!!)
This is not helped by the fact I get very preoccupied with ideas, its all very well that I have a lecture or whatevr to go to but in the end why my head is swimming with ideas, well who cares right? I mean what is more important, pursuing these ideas, which could be the key to TRUTH and at the very least contain awesome power and the potential to reshape creation, or go to some stupid irrelevant mundane lecture to learn information that may well be useful, but doesn't contain the profound REALITY of the ideas that have landed in my head.
I really don't know how people expect me to keep up with a course with that going on, because its not so much a lack of motivation or desire to learn but just that things descend upon me and I can't not pursue them, they seem all important at the time, that they will be the keys to enlightenment.

Some common preoccupations of mine are: words beginning with d (destruction, disintegration, darkness etc), infection (of ideas more than of biological agents, ideas which have a mind of their own and impose themselves upon you to fulfil a purpose, but also the infultration of ones self by "others" which get between the cracks and pull you apart), various diseases (posting at forums like this lol, and also checking my emails over and over), mind control (nanobots especially), demonic possession, being demonic (this comes from when I was younger I thought I might be possessed but various things led me to the conclusion far from being possessed I was actually a possessing agent... lots of weird stuff happened when I was growing up), otherkin (even though I think most otherkin are attention seeking wannabes who long to be considered more than human, some otherkin make sense and in some ways I relate but not to the reincarnation thing, or the whole "elves faries dragons wearwolves vampires" thing). Being Nietszche (its complicated, suffice it to say time is not what it sometimes seems), TRUTH, beauty, continuous creation (sometimes I do admit I feel as though I am the prime mover bring the universe into being - but several confruntations with my powerlessness to help people I wanted to help have made it impossible to have this sense symultanious with out guilt to an extereme i cannot stand... i dont know, i think i am more destroyer than creator really).

Sometimes I figure the whole world as I know it is a videogame and I am just taking it too seriously and thats where all the trouble comes from, videogames are meant to be scary after all (I cant play my computer games anymore because they make me too scared). Some evidence I have for this hypothesis is:

Visual disturbances that seem like "graphics card" issues.
No-one I meet in real life seems like a real person, some of the main characters (my parents, my best freind) have quite well done characterisation but even so you can pick up on the fact they are not really human.
Strangely dramatic stuff happens.
I don't beleive that most people are malevolent, just trying their best and ****ing up. Also I always survive. I have come close to death\destruction many times, yet remain here and well.
Storyline of my life is bizzarly linier "leading up to" and most information in my sphere of perception has some "plot" or "subplot" purpose.

I sometimes joke that the purpose of my life is to find the cheatcodes for the game.

My main problem in life is anxiety, it is quite frankly crippling. My second from main problem is that I find focusing very hard, when I watch my DVD's for instance I can't watch for more than 2 lines of dialogue before my mind wanders my body feels restless and I have to get up, do something else, say something, or move my body (often in odd ways that don't seem entirely mine - which I think might be torrets syndrome).

Sometimes I feel very very ****ed up, but then othertimes I think I am completly fine, maybe its just part of the game? Also my parents, and my best freind, I do love them, which causes lots of conflict with the "they don't exist they're just characters" thing, also I have this irrational fear that I was abused and repressed the memories, I know this didn't happen, my parents made mistakes but nothing worse than your average parents, I know they're not perfect but they are not evil satanic ritual abusers either and god there is this whole thing with that. I think christians (including all the people at the child adolescent mental health clinic I went to a couple of years ago) are trying to make me think I am a SRA case and just dont remeber it and it has been a major issue point because I basically feel I have to come accross as totally together and happy (if exccentric, cuz I cant hide it - I dont know how people do the putting on a mask thing, everyone who knows me says I'm "different" even if they follow that with a "in a good way") because if I am ****ed up they'll blame my parents and I will fall for it and end up hurting them so much.





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